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Because of my oh so autistic brain I had a meltdown because I got in the post

Goosey
11 months ago

I was feeling brave the other day so I  decided to push the boat and when the postman knocked on the door I answered it. I didn’t want to who does?

It’s a stranger at the door

In seconds my brain had created loads of negative scenarios
What if the postman is ill and I get ill?
What if I he comments on me?
What if I faint?
What if he starts talking and I have to commit to a conversation?

This and more was going through my head

Before I reached the door I was filled with terrible anxiety, my
stomach became swollen and painful, chest hurt, heart racing and I was feeling sweaty like I had a fever

But like a crazy person I answered the door anyway

Guess I was expecting it to go well for some weird reason

it was the postman. he had a parcel and some letters. He asked the name and I said yes

And then he decided to make small talk. Nice weather isn’t it. Looking back now I’m guessing this was a humour statement as it’s clearly not nice weather

at the time I said no and then fearing he was going to
say something again and I was really starting to feel ill by now I said bye and closed the door

The look he gave me as the door closed was... I don’t know not a nice look

He probably thought me an arrogant and rude woma jad he seen what took place after he wouldn’t have thought that hope not anyway

Afterwards I fell to pieces. Crying and shaking I was sick twice. And now I’m left feeling totally exhausted and my body is aching all over

My muscles are tense painful headache like someone’s squeezing my head

I went from feeling brave and confident answering the door to feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and feeling a complete failure

Confidence shattered in a heartbeat

Now in bed resting and feeling terrible online I can be so sociable feel happy calm and safe

In person I’m shy and awkward.

Times like this I feel nothing but hate towards myself

This was days ago and I'm still tired and aching. It's like a bomb goes off in me and my body has to heal again after.

I'm going to rest again now I'm super tired right now x

Parents
  • 11 months ago

    You shouldn't feel hate, you should feel proud of yourself for doing this. It might not have gone as intended but you answered the door and proceeded to talk to someone you didn't know, that's amazing, what an achievement! 

    It's been a long time since I did that. I never answer the door, I hide until people have gone. Wink You're bound to be tired but once you have recovered you should feel proud and take this in your stride.

Reply
  • 11 months ago

    You shouldn't feel hate, you should feel proud of yourself for doing this. It might not have gone as intended but you answered the door and proceeded to talk to someone you didn't know, that's amazing, what an achievement! 

    It's been a long time since I did that. I never answer the door, I hide until people have gone. Wink You're bound to be tired but once you have recovered you should feel proud and take this in your stride.

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