Alone

Hello NAS89458, I am Number.

Yes I can relate to what you have written above.

I am also "high masking" (in your words) and have suffered from protracted periods of burnout that have lasted years and involved being wholly "hollow", hopeless and self-loathing.  Feeling "so alone" is second nature to me, even in the good times.

Life can be very hard sister, sometimes it feels far too hard to bear.....but more importantly, it seems almost pointless to even TRY and bear...because what is the point?!

I have never read anyone here say that there is an easy or immediate fix to your woes......but I have read PLENTY of people on here report how they somehow managed to crawl back up from inside that dark hopeless hole.  A more functional and optimistic state of mind is available to you.....but perhaps not quite just yet.  It is worth waiting for.....you just need to retain some sanity for long enough.

Do not give up on yourself nor on life in general.  I'm living proof that quitting when it is REALLY dark is the wrong decision.

Don't start trying to address ALL your woes in one go....it can take a long time to recover.

Personally, I needed to start REALLY small....in order to get myself better.  I rested a hell of a lot, but I also did just one thing everyday that made that day feel worthwhile.  Sometimes, that was just a walk by myself, sometimes a tiny bit of interaction with another human, sometimes I learned something new etc.  Gradually, you find yourself in a better position - even though you can't really put your finger on why.  From that point, you can continue making progress, and probably at a faster rate.........but PLEASE start small - but definite.

I hope you may find this place useful too.  I think I may have been able to get better much quicker if I had known of, and had access to, some of the truly wise and wonderful souls that creep about in this place.

Anyways, I hope the above makes you feel a little less alone.  I am with you in spirit sister.  Stay sane.  It gets better.

Kindest regards

Number.

NAS89458 said:

The waiting list to get diagnosed is 1-3 years

Unless you live in Scotland, you should be able to ask your GP for the "right to choose" a private assessment - this should shorten the wait significantly and cost you nothing (they don't like to advertise it as the NHS has to pay).

Have you had much therapy around your mental health? I would suggest finding a therapist who has experience of autism to talk through your specific issues with - at around £50/hour they are not cheap but if you can focus on what is troubling you most then they can be remarkably useful. I have used one for a few years since my diagnosis and they have helped me tremendously.

You can discuss how you feel here and should find a lot of people who have gone through similar experiences themselves so know how you feel. All we ask is that if you do start any threads talking about suicide that you add (in brackets to the title) the letters TW) - this means trigger warning as the subject has a triggering effect on some people here.

Welcome to the club.

Dear NAS89458,

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. 

If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: 

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/ 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org. 

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.  

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. 

You can find more information here: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

Kind Regards,

Rosie Mod

Hello, 

Are you having suicidal thoughts? 

I struggle throughout winter months and temperature is dropping.

A few years ago I was very unwell with the lingering flu. Had suicidal thoughts when turned up and said I wasn't required.

Pattern was emerging that nobody helps me when was having those thoughts and hallucinations (during the day time); people think it's a joke and an accident may happen one day. I couldn't tell anyone as 'walls have ears" that's why I'd started to write things down.

Have you spoken to your manager? GP appointments difficult to get. Can you take annual leave? I used to do this when needed to take a break. Now in a safe group which meets twice a month.

The last resort is to phone Samaritans on 116 123. Email jo@samaritans.org 

Karin Mod

Rosie Mod

Chloe Mod

Hopefully gave some good advice.