Published on 12, July, 2020
When it was first suggested to me that I might be autistic I began watching various autistic influencers on YouTube and read books by similar people.
But one glaring thing stuck out for me, and I’ve just come across another example. Specifically, these influencers without exception seem to be married, be in a relationship, have children.
And yet for me the single most life-ruining aspect of my condition is my utter inability to form relationships. It’s like everyone else has telepathy and I don’t. I thought this was one of the defining characteristics of autism.
So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people or am I the sad exception?
Amerantin (former member) said:So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people or am I the sad exception?
i think what happens is the autists who are married and/or have kids are probably in the following categories:
1 - their presentation of autism is not affecting their abilities to communicate with others at a relationship level and this also helps them with presenting well on video (ie a degree of charisma).
2 - their partners have helped them adapt and possibly mask well enough to be able to present on video
3 - Their autistic traits are in very different areas to yours and this enables them to communicate well on video while having a relationship but possibly suffering terribly in other areas.
It seems to be the nature of a spectrum condition that the third point is the most likely,
Agreed, there is a selection bias here. People who struggle greatly with communication are unlikely to be making videos on the internet. Those who (despite their autism) are charismatic, sociable and very good at masking are both more likely to be making videos and more likely to be in a relationship.
I have also noticed that most of the autistic influencers seem to be women, (although there are some male ones), They are also usually pretty women (which will lead to more views, and also means they are more likely to have a relationship).
I have noticed in general, for example on this forum, and the wider internet, that autistic women are much more likely to be in a relationship and have past relationships than autistic men.
I'm not exactly sure why this is, but it's probably a combination of greater masking or social ability and the fact it is greatly easier to find a partner as a woman than as a man, due to dating dynamics and the imbalance of demand.
As a woman, you are the one who is approached, and generally choose from a number of men which one to accept. Whereas it's expected for the man to make the approach, to lead in the relationship, to be entertaining, charming etc. and you have to pursue multiple women until you find one who doesn't reject you (which might never happen).
If a woman is not very good at talking, it often won't matter because the man is interested and will put all the effort in, or not even care how good she is socially. Whereas a man being bad socially is a big turn off or red flag for many women (seen as creepy etc).
For a man, dating can be a challenge even if you aren't autistic, but when you have autism and cannot read signals or subtext or body language or know how to make small talk or make conversation, it can be hopeless, which is why so many autistic men just don't ever have a relationship.
I think this is the thing, but you also can't say it's always like that, it's just a generalization. My father is the autistic one of my parents and I have been able to deduce from family anecdotes he won my mother over by being the 1970s (when they met) equivalent of adorkable (an adorable dork).
🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:adorkable (an adorable dork).
Love it xxx