What helps you with releasing anger/dealing with PDA?

I think you have a good understanding of some of the dynamics of what’s going on. I almost feel like you and your parents need to ‘wipe the slate clean’ and have a fresh start. Forgive and forget past issues and try to lay down some ground rules on all sides that will keep things more positive. A fresh start. For our family (my immediate family I mean) we really do try to always treat each other with respect. We don’t always manage to avoid sometimes being snappy or angry or whatever - but if that happens we apologise and don’t hold grudges. Not holding grudges is a big advantage because we all make mistakes but it’s important to be able to move on. Not being afraid to admit we’re wrong, having no problem with saying sorry. Just basically us all knowing that we are on each others side - even if at some points we might lose our cool or whatever. That way we manage to know we are working together, even though we have lots of difficulties like anxiety, ocd, etc etc. 

If you could build bridges with your family it would be great - because not getting on with the people you live with is so stressful, and that’s the last thing you need. Maybe you could start by handing out an olive branch by saying “I know things have not been great between us  these last few months (or years), but I want things to be better, and I would really ike us to work together if possible to make things better for all of us. I know I’ve not been easy to live with, and I know we sometimes don’t get on, but I really want us to get on. Can we forget the past and have a fresh start?’

I think the events of the last few months really exacerbated it. There's both a sense of "things can't possibly get worse than every friend I ever had hating me" and "things could absolutely get worse". My parents made me feel worse about it when I eventually opened up about it.

I feel like I'm made to feel like I'm being "disrespectful" when I merely answer back and I dislike my parents' backchatting anyway. Some of the things they've said are just plain cruel and can't be explained away by it coming from a place of love or whatever.

I think I'm at that point though where I'm so frustrated and angry a lot of the time that I am exaggerating some of the things. Like with the driving, I convince myself that they won't be happy unless I'm locked in my room all day. It's almost like I WANT that to be the case so I can be like "see? All those thoughts I had were completely right".

I haven't spoken as in depth about the parent situation with my therapist but I did bring up the guide I did and my struggles with speaking up. I spoke about wanting to self-advocate better but I feel like I need someone to basically do it all for me at this point.

My son often feels like that: that he’s past caring almost. I’ve sometimes felt like that too. It’s easy to feel stuck and lose hope of anything improving. I’m sorry you feel that way. But things really can change. 

It sounds like your parents are struggling to recognise that you are an adult, and it’s impacting on how you see yourself and damaging your confidence (on top of all the other reasons why most autistic people can struggle to feel good about themselves). 
re. driving - you don’t have to answer their million questions. Be polite but firm about what you do and don’t want to tell your parents. It’s your choice what information you choose to share with them. You’re 26, you can drive and you have a car and you can go where you like - which is great. I get the sense that it would be good if your parents could respect you more as the adult that you are. If they can treat your siblings with respect then they can do it with you. You’re autistic - the challenges you face are not weakness or your failings - autism is a neurological difference that you are trying to manage. They should respect the fact that you are dealing with a lot of challenges. It’s not easy for you, they should acknowledge that and respect that. You deserve respect from your parents (and of course you should be having respect for them too - it should be a two way street). 
Thank you for your offer to share the guide you put together - but I’ve read a lot about autism and probably don’t have the energy to read more right now! I think it was a great idea to give that to your parents though - and it sounds like it was quite a successful idea - for a while anyway. That’s a positive and it shows that good communication is still possible between you all. What advice does your therapist give you about the situation with your parents?

I feel like I'd need a template or something. My parents' first language isn't English but they understand it reasonably well. It just feels like I'm in a no win situation. My neurotypical siblings definitely don't get the same treatment.

I wish I could say driving gave me freedom. I can't even go for just a drive without being asked a million questions.

I don't feel capable and my parents seem to insist I learn by doing, but then I get conflicting advice. My mum expects me to just learn how to make tea and toast on my own but my dad insists that I don't because I'll hurt myself. My argument is that I'm at that stage in my life where I don't care if I hurt myself or injure myself; I've lost so much already I don't feel like I care about my future or anything else.

I could always share with you this guide I put together for them if it'd help. 

Yes. I remember feeling very lonely in my family home sometimes before I left home, and going back always was difficult. Now my parents are really old - my mum has advanced dementia and doesn’t even know who I am anymore - and my Dad is just as bad as he ever was in terms of being a completely negative person who never has a good word to say to me. So I can relate to how depressing and frustrating it can be - and it’s possible that your parents might not be capable of change (although it’s also possible that they might). Either way their behaviour/beliefs etc are their issue - and it would help if you could find a way to insulate yourself from the emotional impact of that. Easier said than done of course. I understand how overwhelming it can be - you can’t get away from them. It’s hard. But at least internally try to remember that they probably don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to you (sorry - I don’t mean to insult them - I’m not saying it disrespectfully - but it’s possibly true). Try not to internalise their perception of you - because it’s distorted by their own views/beliefs/emotions/history etc etc.

In terms of not feeling capable - I think so many autistic people feel that way. We struggle with some every day normal things and that really dents our confidence. But we also have strengths and it’s important to focus on those when we can. You can drive - that’s great. I didn’t learn to drive til I was about 34! And my husband and sons don’t drive. A lot of autistic people don’t take to driving. It’s good that you have that because it brings a measure of freedom and independence - and it sounds like that’s what you crave (don’t we all really). 

in terms of writing a letter - your posts on here are eloquent and interesting - you’re obviously a capable communicator in written form. So what’s to lose? Maybe include something positive about your parents in there - just to help their ego a little bit and make them feel more receptive! They are probably (like most parents) always doubting themselves when it comes to whether or not they’ve done a good job as parents. So give them credit where credit is due

Perhaps open up to them about how hard you’re finding life, and the fact that you really are doing the best you can to build a life for yourself - but finding it just so hard. The fact you’re engaging with therapy shows that you’re doing what you can to move forward. Therapy isn’t easy a lot of the time - a lot of people don’t realise that. It takes courage to try and tackle our problems - and you’re doing that. 

I don’t doubt that your parents want their relationship with you to be happier and more positive - because all parents want that. We love our children and we want to get on with them, and we want them to be happy more than anything. So even though it often doesn’t feel like that they are probably on your side, underneath it all. They’re possibly just very confused sometimes and don’t know what to do to help you.

I hope things will improve. You’re not alone - many of us have had dysfunctional relationships with our parents. One day you’ll have a place of your own and all this will just be a memory. In fact one day they won’t be here anymore. My parents are really old and ill now - and that feels weird too. Life is weird basically! 

It can feel suffocating at the best of times. I'm 26 and I feel like I may as well still be 13; if anything I feel I can do less now than then. I can drive but I don't have many other skills.

I've never been good at drowning out negativity, and my heightened stress levels don't help. It seems when I turned 18, everything just became so much worse. Suddenly I'm more prone to acting out and getting worked up over things.

As a child I could scream the house down if I was angry without much care. It's different now.

I don't know how I'd present a letter or what I'd put in it.

I see - and I can understand that. That’s a difficult obstacle to overcome certainly. I remember seeing an item on tv once about women from a particular community in the U.K. feeling unable to go to the doctor about possible cancer symptoms because of cultural related reasons. My son is currently seeing a therapist (on the phone) and I had therapy this year too. It’s good that you’re able to access that and I hope they’re helping you. I think older people sometimes feel there’s stigma around therapy - but that’s such an outdated view to hold these days. 
However annoying it must be to have them ask you about your therapy I suppose on the bright side it infers they do at least care. 
I think if your parents really do lack understanding - even though you’ve done your best to inform them - perhaps you just have to accept that they are simply not able to fully understand what life is like for you. Actually my own parents were like that to be honest - I tried to get them to understand for years but they never really ‘got me’. In the end I just had to accept that they probably weren’t capable of understanding me - for complex reasons of their own. You might have to accept that they simply can’t give you the understanding you’d like (and deserve). I left home at 19 to go to college - and that was probably for the best (even though I struggled a lot to manage life when I was a student - and ever since to be honest!). However I know from my eldest son’s experience that finding a place to live now is so expensive and hard to find and not possible for everyone. 
So if you really can’t leave your family home maybe the only thing you can do is to attempt to emotionally detach from your parents attitude to you and the things they say. There’s a really good Eckhart Tolle video on YouTube called ‘How to deal with toxic relatives’ - which is pretty good. If your parents aren’t capable of being enlightened and informed about autism and your particular situation then the best policy might be to make yourself more immune to what they say. Detach. Don’t take what they say to heart, try to view them objectively and remember that they’re simply not capable of giving you what you need. I don’t doubt that they most probably love you very much, but this way they relate to you might be the best they can do at this stage in their lives. That doesn’t mean it can’t improve, and I would (in your shoes) maybe still write them a letter to put your perspective. But if you do that do it with the acceptance that it might not actually change anything - and don’t be disappointed if they can’t rise to the opportunity of building a better relationship with you. Remember: you are an adult. You no longer need to be defined by your parents (probably quite limited) view of you. Sometimes we need to realise that our parents have failings that we cannot correct. But please remember that they probably love you so much, even though sometimes they might not show that. So try to forgive them their limitations if you can. I really hope things improve for you soon - I know what it’s like to feel alienated from your parents in the family home - it’s really horrible. 

Unfortunately I think it's a cultural thing. They're from Pakistan originally and they moved here just before I was born. It seems they'd rather ignore it or just dismiss it.

I don't have any friends anymore (I lost them all earlier this year due to something stupid I did but that's a story for another time) and I have one trusted contact & my therapist. Even then my parents make me feel bad for even having a therapist.

Every now and again they'll interrogate me about what I talked about (which I refuse to disclose) and ask if it's working. It genuinely does feel like it never will be enough.

If you were diagnosed at 8 you’d think they’d know a lot by now. I’m sorry. Surely they must know that people don’t grow out of autism?! Do they lack the intelligence to understand - or are they simply not willing? 
Do you have any friends who are supportive? Is there anyone in your life who really does understand? 

I don't think it's the money, they're worried that I'm wasting my time etc. It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I'd rather not if it means I'll be miserable. I know when I am; I've been at jobs that I've left after a few days cos it was just wrong for me. 

And there's the whole thing of "it'll never be enough" which often makes me not want to do it at all. That's probably the main thing that holds me back in many areas of my life, that general sense of "what's the point".

Well it’s a good sign that the written stuff you put together did get through for a while. So it shows they are capable of responding to that. What exactly is their main issue - is it because they want you to contribute financially by getting a job? Are they worried about the money side of things? 

I don't talk to my siblings much at all, never mind about autism. We've not had a big falling out, there's just not much there.

I think my parents' understanding of autism is fairly basic. I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old and there's probably still a belief that as an adult I should have "grown out of it" by now.

I used to do a lot of cycling. I think tension does get stored in the body and moving about is a definitely a good thing. As I said above - maybe putting how you feel in a letter might get through to them more. I’m really sorry that they are so unresponsive to your attempts to get them to understand what this is like for you, that must be so frustrating and upsetting for you. Do you have any siblings that are supportive? And if so could they help your parents to understand? Do your parents have much understanding of autism generally? 

Kate Kestrel said:

Could you write her a letter? Explaining how this is making you feel and how hard it is for you to cope right now?

I put together a whole written guide for both her and my dad. I thought I'd simplified it well enough but after 3 months of much reduced pressure, it started up again.

It's hard to know what the solution is because I keep hitting a brick wall every time I try to address it.

I’m sorry that your mum is struggling to understand how this is for you. I have two sons - both in their twenties - and one lives at home with me and my husband. I feel very lucky to have him with us and we get on well the vast majority of the time. He left college about 2 years ago due to mental health issues and he doesn’t feel able to tackle looking for work. He has ocd, anxiety, and selective mutism - so it’s really hard for him. I think because I’m also autistic I can really relate to how he feels (his brother is autistic too) - so we all are understanding about how hard it can be to deal with ‘the world out there’. I learnt with my eldest that sometimes our children just don’t want to talk - and often mothers feel that talking about stuff will always help. But sometimes people aren’t ready for that. 
obviously I don’t know your mum but I imagine that she loves you so much and I’d ps just worried about you, and wants you to have a fulfilling life. In her mind you getting a job is a big part of that probably. She probably feels fearful about your future and your ability to earn a living and afford a home etc etc. All the pressure she is putting on you probably stems from her love and concern for you. I think you need to try and communicate with her - I know you’ve tried but I think it’s the only way really. Could you write her a letter? Explaining how this is making you feel and how hard it is for you to cope right now? Most mothers love their children so much and just want desperately to help, but we often get it wrong, and we often just don’t know what to do to help. And after there is fear for the future in the mix too. 

Kate Kestrel said:

Could you talk to your mum/family about how pressured you’re feeling and how you really need them to ease off the pressure? Can you open up to them about how you’re feeling? Hopefully they would understand and be supportive.

I've done this and it really doesn't seem to get through to them. I often feel like I need to have a big meltdown in front of them for them to stop with the pressure because nothing else has really worked.

I go cycling occasionally, it's the only form of exercise I find myself really enjoying. 

Have you tried some form of exercise? Running? Press ups or gym type exercise? Something that will use up all your energy in your body and leave you exhausted? By the way your frustration is entirely understandable. Could you talk to your mum/family about how pressured you’re feeling and how you really need them to ease off the pressure? Can you open up to them about how you’re feeling? Hopefully they would understand and be supportive. 

Living independently would help but without a job that's going to be extremely difficult to finance. If anything that could be a positive motivational factor for you.

If you have been looking for 8 years maybe its time to accept that your ideal job doesn't exist in your area.

There's no easy answers unfortunately.

It seems I've been trying to have that conversation with my parents for 8 years. I've said time and time again that I am unwilling to work a job I really don't like, but they ignore me anyway. I worked for a while (it was freelance but it was still work) and the first thing they said after I completed a week was "now you need to find a permanent job" and that made me feel pretty crap. Like nothing I do was ever enough.

I might run away occasionally and then she'd guilt trip me and turn on the waterworks, complaining that her kids don't want to talk to her, but then she did say that something went wrong in my brain when I was born as recently as a year ago... she might have been angry for whatever reason but I tried bringing that up last week and she couldn't remember so insisted that I was lying.

I feel like I need some kind of outlet to release everything; I've got a lot on my shoulders that is basically staying there.

When stress levels are heightened the level of trigger needed to tip into a meltdown is greatly reduced. You understand what your triggers are, so you can take action to avert that response.

Next time your mum tries to bring up the subject of finding work then why not follow your instinct and literally run away before those feelings have a chance to escalate. Go to wherever is a safe space for you.

Once calm you could try explaining to your mum how that is a trigger for you at the moment, although she may not be receptive. You need to protect yourself first and foremost. When it comes to meltdowns prevention is better than cure, as the saying goes.

Obviously the work issue cannot be shelved forever but it's something that needs to be led by you and at your own pace. If you have pda tendencies then external pressure is likely to have the opposite effect.

Exercise and stimming can help release some of that excess 'fight' energy from your 'fight or flight' response.