What helps you with releasing anger/dealing with PDA?

I feel like the next step is to put across something like "I can't go on anymore". I don't want to feel like I'm manipulating them but it's technically true. It was already hard and now it's harder than it ever was. 

It's like I could scribble a note and leave it on my dad's work desk or something, but I don't know.

I'm awful at conflict/confrontation, which admittedly has gotten me into these situations. I do believe 90% of the problems in my life wouldn't have happened if I had just spoken up. I always fear that I'm being difficult. 

Could you just show your parents what you’ve written here? They’d have to have hearts of stone to not respond to what is obviously a sincere sincere wish by you to make progress with this and restore some peace and harmony to your family dynamic. Please don’t feel embarrassment and shame - because you don’t deserve to feel that way. You’re just a human being dealing with such a lot and trying to navigate so many challenges. Be kind to yourself - don’t judge yourself. We all get things wrong sometimes, and I think your parents have obviously struggled to connect with many of the things you’re going through. That’s not your fault, and they probably want things to be different too. None of us are perfect, maybe acknowledge to them that you know you’ve made mistakes too? Because your struggling to cope with life (as many - perhaps most - autistic people do).
I don’t know your parents (obviously), but I know this: a mother’s love for her child runs deeper than words can say and deep down I feel sure that your mother will want to make things better between you. Have confidence in that - and try reaching out to her. Life is hard enough without facing it all alone - we all need connection with other human beings. I know that I could NEVER be truly at peace if my relationship with my children was not loving and positive. Most mothers feel this way - deep down anyway. Reach out. Be honest with her, tell her how you feel. Make that connection - or at least try. What have you got to lose by doing that? I can’t believe that a mother wouldn’t be moved by you honestly opening up to her about how you feel. And if things don’t improve after that - well at least you will know that you tried. 

I feel like something needs to happen because it feels like it's going on forever, and as the years progress my brain erodes in a way. I become more sensitive, more angsty, more prone to lashing out. Whenever I think I'm making progress by not reacting or whatever, it comes out in a much bigger way later on and I can't get to sleep. That sort of thing.

I think I've got so much embarrassment and shame. I don't feel like I've got much of a voice, I'm so conscious of how things sound when I say them. 

There might be something that works but I don't know what. I think I've come to terms with the fact me verbalising it won't be the solution because I'm constantly anxious and overthinking. I used to come to therapy with a list of notes as almost a script; I recently decided to go without because I needed to build my confidence somehow.

I need someone to speak for me, an advocate-type, but I haven't found anyone. My relatives aren't really in the place to do it.

I think you have a good understanding of some of the dynamics of what’s going on. I almost feel like you and your parents need to ‘wipe the slate clean’ and have a fresh start. Forgive and forget past issues and try to lay down some ground rules on all sides that will keep things more positive. A fresh start. For our family (my immediate family I mean) we really do try to always treat each other with respect. We don’t always manage to avoid sometimes being snappy or angry or whatever - but if that happens we apologise and don’t hold grudges. Not holding grudges is a big advantage because we all make mistakes but it’s important to be able to move on. Not being afraid to admit we’re wrong, having no problem with saying sorry. Just basically us all knowing that we are on each others side - even if at some points we might lose our cool or whatever. That way we manage to know we are working together, even though we have lots of difficulties like anxiety, ocd, etc etc. 

If you could build bridges with your family it would be great - because not getting on with the people you live with is so stressful, and that’s the last thing you need. Maybe you could start by handing out an olive branch by saying “I know things have not been great between us  these last few months (or years), but I want things to be better, and I would really ike us to work together if possible to make things better for all of us. I know I’ve not been easy to live with, and I know we sometimes don’t get on, but I really want us to get on. Can we forget the past and have a fresh start?’

I think the events of the last few months really exacerbated it. There's both a sense of "things can't possibly get worse than every friend I ever had hating me" and "things could absolutely get worse". My parents made me feel worse about it when I eventually opened up about it.

I feel like I'm made to feel like I'm being "disrespectful" when I merely answer back and I dislike my parents' backchatting anyway. Some of the things they've said are just plain cruel and can't be explained away by it coming from a place of love or whatever.

I think I'm at that point though where I'm so frustrated and angry a lot of the time that I am exaggerating some of the things. Like with the driving, I convince myself that they won't be happy unless I'm locked in my room all day. It's almost like I WANT that to be the case so I can be like "see? All those thoughts I had were completely right".

I haven't spoken as in depth about the parent situation with my therapist but I did bring up the guide I did and my struggles with speaking up. I spoke about wanting to self-advocate better but I feel like I need someone to basically do it all for me at this point.

My son often feels like that: that he’s past caring almost. I’ve sometimes felt like that too. It’s easy to feel stuck and lose hope of anything improving. I’m sorry you feel that way. But things really can change. 

It sounds like your parents are struggling to recognise that you are an adult, and it’s impacting on how you see yourself and damaging your confidence (on top of all the other reasons why most autistic people can struggle to feel good about themselves). 
re. driving - you don’t have to answer their million questions. Be polite but firm about what you do and don’t want to tell your parents. It’s your choice what information you choose to share with them. You’re 26, you can drive and you have a car and you can go where you like - which is great. I get the sense that it would be good if your parents could respect you more as the adult that you are. If they can treat your siblings with respect then they can do it with you. You’re autistic - the challenges you face are not weakness or your failings - autism is a neurological difference that you are trying to manage. They should respect the fact that you are dealing with a lot of challenges. It’s not easy for you, they should acknowledge that and respect that. You deserve respect from your parents (and of course you should be having respect for them too - it should be a two way street). 
Thank you for your offer to share the guide you put together - but I’ve read a lot about autism and probably don’t have the energy to read more right now! I think it was a great idea to give that to your parents though - and it sounds like it was quite a successful idea - for a while anyway. That’s a positive and it shows that good communication is still possible between you all. What advice does your therapist give you about the situation with your parents?

I feel like I'd need a template or something. My parents' first language isn't English but they understand it reasonably well. It just feels like I'm in a no win situation. My neurotypical siblings definitely don't get the same treatment.

I wish I could say driving gave me freedom. I can't even go for just a drive without being asked a million questions.

I don't feel capable and my parents seem to insist I learn by doing, but then I get conflicting advice. My mum expects me to just learn how to make tea and toast on my own but my dad insists that I don't because I'll hurt myself. My argument is that I'm at that stage in my life where I don't care if I hurt myself or injure myself; I've lost so much already I don't feel like I care about my future or anything else.

I could always share with you this guide I put together for them if it'd help. 

Kate Kestrel said:

I don’t doubt that your parents want their relationship with you to be happier and more positive - because all parents want that

That's completely not true. Maybe you are not familiar with the parent-child relationship from other cultures. Some parents are so self-absorbed that they just cannot fathom that their children can have independent thoughts and needs. Some parents see their sons as their property and servants. Some wish to be good parents, but are so mentally ill that they end up damaging their sons for life. Not every parent is a good parent. 

Yes. I remember feeling very lonely in my family home sometimes before I left home, and going back always was difficult. Now my parents are really old - my mum has advanced dementia and doesn’t even know who I am anymore - and my Dad is just as bad as he ever was in terms of being a completely negative person who never has a good word to say to me. So I can relate to how depressing and frustrating it can be - and it’s possible that your parents might not be capable of change (although it’s also possible that they might). Either way their behaviour/beliefs etc are their issue - and it would help if you could find a way to insulate yourself from the emotional impact of that. Easier said than done of course. I understand how overwhelming it can be - you can’t get away from them. It’s hard. But at least internally try to remember that they probably don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to you (sorry - I don’t mean to insult them - I’m not saying it disrespectfully - but it’s possibly true). Try not to internalise their perception of you - because it’s distorted by their own views/beliefs/emotions/history etc etc.

In terms of not feeling capable - I think so many autistic people feel that way. We struggle with some every day normal things and that really dents our confidence. But we also have strengths and it’s important to focus on those when we can. You can drive - that’s great. I didn’t learn to drive til I was about 34! And my husband and sons don’t drive. A lot of autistic people don’t take to driving. It’s good that you have that because it brings a measure of freedom and independence - and it sounds like that’s what you crave (don’t we all really). 

in terms of writing a letter - your posts on here are eloquent and interesting - you’re obviously a capable communicator in written form. So what’s to lose? Maybe include something positive about your parents in there - just to help their ego a little bit and make them feel more receptive! They are probably (like most parents) always doubting themselves when it comes to whether or not they’ve done a good job as parents. So give them credit where credit is due

Perhaps open up to them about how hard you’re finding life, and the fact that you really are doing the best you can to build a life for yourself - but finding it just so hard. The fact you’re engaging with therapy shows that you’re doing what you can to move forward. Therapy isn’t easy a lot of the time - a lot of people don’t realise that. It takes courage to try and tackle our problems - and you’re doing that. 

I don’t doubt that your parents want their relationship with you to be happier and more positive - because all parents want that. We love our children and we want to get on with them, and we want them to be happy more than anything. So even though it often doesn’t feel like that they are probably on your side, underneath it all. They’re possibly just very confused sometimes and don’t know what to do to help you.

I hope things will improve. You’re not alone - many of us have had dysfunctional relationships with our parents. One day you’ll have a place of your own and all this will just be a memory. In fact one day they won’t be here anymore. My parents are really old and ill now - and that feels weird too. Life is weird basically! 

It can feel suffocating at the best of times. I'm 26 and I feel like I may as well still be 13; if anything I feel I can do less now than then. I can drive but I don't have many other skills.

I've never been good at drowning out negativity, and my heightened stress levels don't help. It seems when I turned 18, everything just became so much worse. Suddenly I'm more prone to acting out and getting worked up over things.

As a child I could scream the house down if I was angry without much care. It's different now.

I don't know how I'd present a letter or what I'd put in it.

I see - and I can understand that. That’s a difficult obstacle to overcome certainly. I remember seeing an item on tv once about women from a particular community in the U.K. feeling unable to go to the doctor about possible cancer symptoms because of cultural related reasons. My son is currently seeing a therapist (on the phone) and I had therapy this year too. It’s good that you’re able to access that and I hope they’re helping you. I think older people sometimes feel there’s stigma around therapy - but that’s such an outdated view to hold these days. 
However annoying it must be to have them ask you about your therapy I suppose on the bright side it infers they do at least care. 
I think if your parents really do lack understanding - even though you’ve done your best to inform them - perhaps you just have to accept that they are simply not able to fully understand what life is like for you. Actually my own parents were like that to be honest - I tried to get them to understand for years but they never really ‘got me’. In the end I just had to accept that they probably weren’t capable of understanding me - for complex reasons of their own. You might have to accept that they simply can’t give you the understanding you’d like (and deserve). I left home at 19 to go to college - and that was probably for the best (even though I struggled a lot to manage life when I was a student - and ever since to be honest!). However I know from my eldest son’s experience that finding a place to live now is so expensive and hard to find and not possible for everyone. 
So if you really can’t leave your family home maybe the only thing you can do is to attempt to emotionally detach from your parents attitude to you and the things they say. There’s a really good Eckhart Tolle video on YouTube called ‘How to deal with toxic relatives’ - which is pretty good. If your parents aren’t capable of being enlightened and informed about autism and your particular situation then the best policy might be to make yourself more immune to what they say. Detach. Don’t take what they say to heart, try to view them objectively and remember that they’re simply not capable of giving you what you need. I don’t doubt that they most probably love you very much, but this way they relate to you might be the best they can do at this stage in their lives. That doesn’t mean it can’t improve, and I would (in your shoes) maybe still write them a letter to put your perspective. But if you do that do it with the acceptance that it might not actually change anything - and don’t be disappointed if they can’t rise to the opportunity of building a better relationship with you. Remember: you are an adult. You no longer need to be defined by your parents (probably quite limited) view of you. Sometimes we need to realise that our parents have failings that we cannot correct. But please remember that they probably love you so much, even though sometimes they might not show that. So try to forgive them their limitations if you can. I really hope things improve for you soon - I know what it’s like to feel alienated from your parents in the family home - it’s really horrible. 

Unfortunately I think it's a cultural thing. They're from Pakistan originally and they moved here just before I was born. It seems they'd rather ignore it or just dismiss it.

I don't have any friends anymore (I lost them all earlier this year due to something stupid I did but that's a story for another time) and I have one trusted contact & my therapist. Even then my parents make me feel bad for even having a therapist.

Every now and again they'll interrogate me about what I talked about (which I refuse to disclose) and ask if it's working. It genuinely does feel like it never will be enough.

If you were diagnosed at 8 you’d think they’d know a lot by now. I’m sorry. Surely they must know that people don’t grow out of autism?! Do they lack the intelligence to understand - or are they simply not willing? 
Do you have any friends who are supportive? Is there anyone in your life who really does understand? 

I don't think it's the money, they're worried that I'm wasting my time etc. It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I'd rather not if it means I'll be miserable. I know when I am; I've been at jobs that I've left after a few days cos it was just wrong for me. 

And there's the whole thing of "it'll never be enough" which often makes me not want to do it at all. That's probably the main thing that holds me back in many areas of my life, that general sense of "what's the point".

I see what you mean, but it’s not necessarily the case. And for some people (my son is in this position) he can’t at present deal with trying to get a job, let alone going and doing one. For some people it really is very difficult.

Well it’s a good sign that the written stuff you put together did get through for a while. So it shows they are capable of responding to that. What exactly is their main issue - is it because they want you to contribute financially by getting a job? Are they worried about the money side of things? 

I don't talk to my siblings much at all, never mind about autism. We've not had a big falling out, there's just not much there.

I think my parents' understanding of autism is fairly basic. I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old and there's probably still a belief that as an adult I should have "grown out of it" by now.

believe me or not, it's better to work on a crap job that to live like this. Get a job, any job, no matter how crappy. Your mental health will improve immensely. Put money away and leave the area. Hell, I had to move several thousand kilometres to find a good job, do you  expect to find one in your own town?

I used to do a lot of cycling. I think tension does get stored in the body and moving about is a definitely a good thing. As I said above - maybe putting how you feel in a letter might get through to them more. I’m really sorry that they are so unresponsive to your attempts to get them to understand what this is like for you, that must be so frustrating and upsetting for you. Do you have any siblings that are supportive? And if so could they help your parents to understand? Do your parents have much understanding of autism generally? 

sorry for stating the obvious, but you really, really need to move out. Your physical and mental health will improve in no time, and maybe you will have a better relationship with your family