Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been struggling for both for a while. My stress levels have been heightened for a while too so it's perhaps unsurprising that I'm so sensitive to pretty much anything.
My mum can't tell me to do anything now (I'm 26 and still living at home) without me feeling like I want to break something. I've had so much pressure put on me with regards to finding work that I want to run away from any discussion of it.
I fear someone lecturing me/screaming at me all the time. I've basically become so much more hypervigilant than I was.
I have been considering finding something like a rage room or anything I can do to release that frustration that continues to build up but I don't know what I can do.
I turn to watching comedy or something as a distraction but it's only a short term fix. The issues are still there, even if I calm down a bit.
Has anything worked for you?
When stress levels are heightened the level of trigger needed to tip into a meltdown is greatly reduced. You understand what your triggers are, so you can take action to avert that response.
Next time your mum tries to bring up the subject of finding work then why not follow your instinct and literally run away before those feelings have a chance to escalate. Go to wherever is a safe space for you.
Once calm you could try explaining to your mum how that is a trigger for you at the moment, although she may not be receptive. You need to protect yourself first and foremost. When it comes to meltdowns prevention is better than cure, as the saying goes.
Obviously the work issue cannot be shelved forever but it's something that needs to be led by you and at your own pace. If you have pda tendencies then external pressure is likely to have the opposite effect.
Exercise and stimming can help release some of that excess 'fight' energy from your 'fight or flight' response.
It seems I've been trying to have that conversation with my parents for 8 years. I've said time and time again that I am unwilling to work a job I really don't like, but they ignore me anyway. I worked for a while (it was freelance but it was still work) and the first thing they said after I completed a week was "now you need to find a permanent job" and that made me feel pretty crap. Like nothing I do was ever enough.
I might run away occasionally and then she'd guilt trip me and turn on the waterworks, complaining that her kids don't want to talk to her, but then she did say that something went wrong in my brain when I was born as recently as a year ago... she might have been angry for whatever reason but I tried bringing that up last week and she couldn't remember so insisted that I was lying.
I feel like I need some kind of outlet to release everything; I've got a lot on my shoulders that is basically staying there.
I’m sorry that your mum is struggling to understand how this is for you. I have two sons - both in their twenties - and one lives at home with me and my husband. I feel very lucky to have him with us and we get on well the vast majority of the time. He left college about 2 years ago due to mental health issues and he doesn’t feel able to tackle looking for work. He has ocd, anxiety, and selective mutism - so it’s really hard for him. I think because I’m also autistic I can really relate to how he feels (his brother is autistic too) - so we all are understanding about how hard it can be to deal with ‘the world out there’. I learnt with my eldest that sometimes our children just don’t want to talk - and often mothers feel that talking about stuff will always help. But sometimes people aren’t ready for that. obviously I don’t know your mum but I imagine that she loves you so much and I’d ps just worried about you, and wants you to have a fulfilling life. In her mind you getting a job is a big part of that probably. She probably feels fearful about your future and your ability to earn a living and afford a home etc etc. All the pressure she is putting on you probably stems from her love and concern for you. I think you need to try and communicate with her - I know you’ve tried but I think it’s the only way really. Could you write her a letter? Explaining how this is making you feel and how hard it is for you to cope right now? Most mothers love their children so much and just want desperately to help, but we often get it wrong, and we often just don’t know what to do to help. And after there is fear for the future in the mix too.
Anything media related tends to be my thing. I have experience in the TV industry but am not tied to it.
HMO said:Something that I enjoy, isn't mentally taxing and I can do in my sleep (more-or-less).
What do you enjoy that is something you can see a job being connected to?
The other two criteria are hard to get anyone to pay for unfortunately but there is a chance we can find a suggestion for an interest based role.
Iain said:From what you know in life, what job would be perfect for you and why?
Something that I enjoy, isn't mentally taxing and I can do in my sleep (more-or-less).
Iain said:The bad news is that most jobs have a significant amount of being miserable in them, at least to some degree.
Word
HMO said:It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I'd rather not if it means I'll be miserable.
The bad news is that most jobs have a significant amount of being miserable in them, at least to some degree.
Until you build up the skills to be able to get a job where you are important enough to avoid the miserable bits then you have to slog through it like the other 99% of humanity.
I'm afraid there is no way to sugar coat it. People who say you can find a job that is perfect for you without skills, experience or an advanced education are likely to be telling porky pies.
If you can find a way to accept that this is part of the process then you may be able to move on and accept it.
From what you know in life, what job would be perfect for you and why?