Published on 12, July, 2020
This is mainly me just venting and most probably oversharing, I know it’s thought that meltdowns are uncontrollable with autistic people, I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s when it would have just been seen as ‘bratty’ behaviour and severely dealt with. I learnt to know when things were too much and channeled feelings into a shutdown, it was less noticeable, not talking for days was just looked at as sulking.
For the first time in a long while, I couldn’t stop a meltdown, it was all from allowing other people to ‘push my buttons’, I’m dealing with the sale of our house at the moment, the questions from the buyers solicitors have been non stop, I did my best to answer everything, my wife then had an appointment at the hospital which was sudden as someone else had cancelled, I didn’t have time to prep for a large waiting room full of people with no sound deadening. The final part of the day was another round of questions from a solicitor and then being told by a family member, “ why do you overthink everything?” The house was empty of people later in the day, I can’t remember much but looking in the wheelie bin, I need to buy some new crockery, at least only crockery was hurt.
I too seem to have lost my ability to suppress and internalise a meltdown. I somehow acquired the ability to do that during primary school, after several years of being repeated punished for them. However now when I'm triggered it's coming out regardless. The best I can aim for these days is to get to a safe place before the worst of it.
I believe that the monumental effort that suppression takes becomes increasingly more difficult as we age. Maybe it is also part of the demasking process that we no longer have to suppress.
Moving is incredibly stressful so go easy on yourself. Looking on the bright side at least the crockery will be one less thing to pack when you move and you won't have to worry about it breaking in transit.
Thanks, my wife did say she was going to chuck most of the crocks anyway. The masking does seem to be harder recently, I don’t really care what the humans think of me anymore. Seems strange to think that being autistic was punished at school, there was about 500 children at my school, at least 5 would have been autistic, unfortunately no one stood out in the crowd. No one dared.
Roy said:unfortunately no one stood out in the crowd. No one dared.
That would depend entirely how far one will allow him/herself to be pushed. I had to tolerate the continual harassment received by all in military boot camp. Fortunately, I had already developed a mask that allowed me to shut out such extreme duress---unlike the trooper standing next to me who threw a punch landing on the shouting drill sergeant's chin. He was immediately dragged away and discharged from the military as undesireable. I anticipated this sort of treatment and needed to prove to myself I could take it with a grin ---that only made it worse for myself, but I quickly learned.