Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi thanks for taking the time to read this post, I'm 28 and got diagnosed with autism 2 years ago been getting help from the NHS giving me a depot injection for 2 and a half years ive just came to the end of this now! (Thank someone for that!)
Anyways,
Ever since I was a child I've always had quite a destructive personality if it be breaking things after having uncontrollable meltdowns in my younger days. I still have these meltdowns to this day breaking things and it's just getting worse and worse as the days go by, Nothing is changing its just getting worse.
I've paid off over £10,000 at LEAST in my dads name for items i have gotten on finance from different shops throughout the years none of this was paid off in my name as when I was 18 I managed to get myself payday loans and credit cards for stupid silly amounts of 200 pound here and there which has absolutely ruined me for the future.
I destroy everything I own, controllers for consoles, consoles themselves, mice for pc, keyboards, tvs, phones anything to do with technology I just have a rotten relationship with and can't seem to undo any of that at all. I mean hey I've even put my pc in the bath filled it up with water and watched £1000 swim in water in my tub. I mean to the literal form of having a phone worth 300 pounds for a week and smashing it into pieces by the end of that very week. I hate mobile phones, it's causing me nothing but pain but who in 2023 doesn't own a mobile phone? Not many people.
I get really upset and literally to the point where I can't move out of my bed I wake up and it's sunrise and I stay in bed right until its night time. I watch people and kids go to school everyday passing my house and I see them go past and I wonder to myself in that time they've progressed bettered themselves and even learnt new things, meanwhile I'm in a state of depression in my bed can't move my legs literally are wasting away I'm obese and I can't get out of this mess.
What it boils down now is that for about 4 months now I've literally sat in silence all day everyday for multiple hours at a time watching daylight come and go all from the same spot in my bed, depressing right? I live alone so there's no stimulating noises around me apart from when the kids kick the football into my garden and set the dogs off which triggers the living life out of me. It's everyday and they're really not nice children, but saying that do many autistic people like kids? I'm not fond. They make me annoyed and just make loud noises all of the time it's straight up scary.
I can't afford anything due to my financial situation and I live in a dump. I'm in debt and I'm really sick of my life.
What’s the smallest thing you could do today? Reduce pressure on yourself so that you do one positive thing. Make it microscopically small, barely noticeable. When everything seems like too much for me I allow myself to only do a millisecond of work. Just starting on that millisecond is sufficiently ‘started’. My neurology is not like the majority who can follow other suggestions on ‘how to get things done’. I have a hobby which might be expressed as ‘what novel ways can I think of to motivate myself or move in the right direction’? It’s my own secret game.
I have days like this especially when my routine is interrupted by something or someone!
It can be daunting but create a plan for the next day the day before, think about the things you need to do and also what you would like to achieve.
If you have a reason not to stay in bed and in silence hopefully you will not feel that is what you need to do.
Also, you should be eligible to receive personal independence payments which will help with your financial situation, speak to citizens advice and get some support with completing the application.
Wish you all the best
Golly....you describe a growingly painful situation for yourself there.
I think Autonomistic is right by suggesting that you just start doing something....even if it's only a really little thing....once a day. When I was completely burnt out and utterly unable to do anything meaningful....I just started doing something tangible...every day. I built back up from that starting point.
I hope you find a way to improve your situation.
Best wishes,
Number.
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear that you are living in such terrible circumstances. Hopefully your first post here will mark that important first step in beginning to turn things around.
Like you I find noise such as children screaming and dogs barking extremely triggering. Both combined is sensory torture. I crave silence but unless you're fortunate enough to live in the middle of nowhere that's often not possible.
Some suggestions that may help:
Remove or distract yourself from the noise as soon as it starts. Move to another room, use earplugs, play loud music to drown it out. Basically anything to avoid triggering a meltdown as prevention is better than cure.
Have a safe place you can go to calm down during a meltdown, preferably well away from any valuable tech devices.
Aim to do some short bursts of exercise, even a coup!e of minutes every hour would help keep muscles from wasting away.
It's not going to be easy but every action, however small, is progress from where you are right now.
I'm really sorry you feel this way and find yourself in such a dire state of life and mind right now
Sadly there's nothing I can say or do to help you but I wanted to message to say that I do understand and I really do.
I'm a very self destructive person in a lot of ways and at times I hate my life and myself
I find I'm in that dark place more often than I'm not where I'm feeling like I don't want to be here anymore but I live in hope that things will get better and not worse.
I hope things will improve for you soon x
(Edit) - there's also Samaritans you can ring when things are overwhelming and you need someone to talk to.
I call them on a regular basis and usually the person on the other end is really nice and understanding
Sometimes it's a comfort knowing there's someone who understands
Hello NAS89278,
Thank you for sharing this experience with the community. I'm sorry to hear that you've been suffering in this way. You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health
If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help.
All the best,
ChloeMod