Family Party

Thank you for posting that.
That is exactly what I have been doing for the last 49 years. It’s only the last 8-9 months that I have started to break everything down that I realised how truly anxious I feel about these situations. I am now at a stage where we have a party invitation in November and I’m already going over possible scenarios and conversations, the thoughts generally tend to be negative and me trying to figure out how to get through it. 
Why do I continue to put myself through this and how have I managed it up to this point. 
Avoidance sounds amazing but I have a family to keep happy so need to find some sort of balance I guess. 
Old Timer, I love that you have your sanctuary in your study with all the provisions you need to get yourself through a social minefield…. I don’t like whiskey too much but I might stash some pistachio vodka in a quiet spot along with some short term survival gear. 

I completely agree with everything you have said. In my sessions we talked about avoidance as a way to deal with anxiety. I made it clear I hadn't avoided anything that caused me anxiety - the very opposite in fact! And this is when, underneath, you know how you feel isn't normal, but it becomes normal because you push through, mask and carry on ....till the wheels fall off. 

Goosey said:

I've not done that yet.. I get so worked up and flustered and in a panic usually I pass out which is very embarrassing

But I haven't worked out how I'm feeling yet it's a nightmare lol.

I have Lily OC! But I can't take her in to shops sadly

That must be very tough to cope with and I can see how it would increase your anxiety. It sounds as if you have interoceptive difficulties which means you are not able to 'feel' when you are approaching the point of overwhelm. There are some helpful resources on this topic here:

https://www.kelly-mahler.com/free-resources/

Have you tried shopping in open air markets, so that you can keep Lily with you for support? There is less noise and you are not as trapped as in a shop. 

The good news is that everything can be bought online these days, so going shopping isn't compulsory.

out_of_step said:

I came to the conclusion that going to work and/or socialising was actually daily exposure that I'd had all my life. 

The "damage" that CBT did was making me think I could keep tolerating "environmental" anxiety. I understand theres an element of this needed, but when it's day in day out it leads to burnout.

I agree and my experiences have been similar. It tends to be the things I am exposed to on a daily basis that cause the most anxiety. Throughout my years at school / college / work I endured extremely high and constant levels of anxiety on a daily basis. I used to think I could 'feel the fear and do it anyway' and I did. Indeed that is what society and therapists encourage. The anxiety never did subside and eventually led to severe burnout.

CBT is damaging if the anxiety is sensory in nature and therefore rational, something that I did not realise until after my diagnosis. 

Tolerating high levels of anxiety for a long time can result in the body becoming accustomed to that as the new normal. Years of that left me with a constant high 'baseline' anxiety 24/7. I have become so sensitised to every sensation and noise and constantly hypervigilant, often for no apparent reason. I believe this can also result in a multitude of health issues as we age.

Even worse if you have CFS as well

Look after yourself and don't put too much pressure on yourself x

I tried explaining to my therapist, when I had CBT that I felt I had a higher threshold for anxiety than most people I knew. Obviously I can't speak for others but it was a feeling I had. (It seemed i could put up with it for longer and with higher levels). I came to the conclusion that going to work and/or socialising was actually daily exposure that I'd had all my life. 

The "damage" that CBT did was making me think I could keep tolerating "environmental" anxiety. I understand theres an element of this needed, but when it's day in day out it leads to burnout.

I feel that a lot of professionals push on the exposure thinking that it's going to work which it might for some but I think most find it doesn't work

That's been my experience so far and I've seen a lot of people here are the same way. Which is nice because it means we're not in this alone :) 

I think that's great that you've learnt that technique in taking yourself out of places to give yourself time

I've not done that yet.. I get so worked up and flustered and in a panic usually I pass out which is very embarrassing

But I haven't worked out how I'm feeling yet it's a nightmare lol.

I have Lily OC! But I can't take her in to shops sadly

Thank you for the book recommendation! ^^ I have a huge list of books I need to get.

Yes anxiety in autistic people is sadly misunderstood by a lot of professionals.

Exposure is only going to work if the anxiety is irrational. If you go into a situation and find that it isn't as bad as you feared, that what you feared might happen didn't, then anxiety will reduce the next time. 

However autistic people can experience anxiety that is rational, such as going into situations that will almost certainly trigger sensory overwhelm. If every repeated experience is every bit as bad as you feared then that isn't going to reduce the anxiety and will likely increase it. It can be useful in gradual small steps, as long as the exposure doesn't reach the point of overwhelm.

For shopping what works for me is going at quieter times and always using earplugs when going into a shop. I focus straight ahead on where I am going and what I need to buy, ignoring as far as possible any people in my immediate surroundings. If it gets too noisy or overwhelming, rather than forcing myself to endure it, I calmly place down my basket somewhere and leave the store. Usually I return 10-15 minutes later and my shopping will be still where I left it. Just knowing you are in control and can leave when you want to helps enormously.

If you haven't read it already I recommend the book 'Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Adults' by Dr Luke Beardon.

Sounds like bliss. A bit of socialising until you've had enough, followed by a bit of quite time. Perfect

I've noticed this with a lot of things as well Autonomistic

Like going shopping. No matter how much I do it I never get used to different surroundings and new people

Constant anxiety all the time

I'm not sure exposure to things always works like a lot of professional say it does.

Sounds like a good plan :-)

Anxiety about such gatherings doesn't reduce by repeated exposure to them. That is a myth. They tend to not get any easier for autists as we still have the same social struggles, the same sensory overwhelm from the noise and multiple conversations all at once. Studies have shown that autistic people do not habituate to sound by repeated exposure the way non autistic do. In fact sensory sensitivities can worsen as we get older.

Lol I like your escape plan *writes it down for future use* :P 

I hope you're party goes well and you enjoy your time with your grandson ^^

The study sounds perfect, the mingling, just smile and wave.

Neither would I.

Ben

I just wouldn’t go.

Hi Old Timer, 

I would 100% do what you plan! Would gladly join you for a quiet drink in the study over some books. Sounds very much up my street. 

There ain't nothing wrong with that! Memories for Matthew and what sounds like a much needed refuge for him too!