Published on 12, July, 2020
It's a constant feeling I've had since I was a teenager. I'm not just talking about lack of success in the friend department but in terms of general life achievements.
I generally don't recognise my achievements cos I think they're not as good as what other people have done. While I have worked on a TV programme and had a credit (on screen), I know people who have gone on to work on films or people who seem to really be hyped up by those around them.
I've always felt indifferent, insignificant and unremarkable and there's a general feeling that no one would miss me if I was gone. More so now after the last 5 months (where I've had no support network at all). I feel it should spur me on to do more but it doesn't. It feels like every good thing I've ever done means nothing because of the big bad thing I did and I do believe I am a bad person.
I often feel like if the thing I do isn't outwardly, it doesn't count. If I was an impressive singer, I think I'd be more appreciated than something which probably means nothing to people (the TV stuff) or having climbed Mount Snowdon.
I'm really sorry to bring the mood down as I try and avoid doing that on here. It has just been a bit difficult.
Thank you for sharing this.
For myself, I'm coming to realise that achievement is a very personal thing that to some extent must be detached from external validation. I have academically, always achieved, A's in school, First class degree, but the sense of achievement never really landed in these things. I have discovered that a lot of this devaluing of my own achievements i think comes from longing for or expecting external validation. I look to others around me to give the achievements true value. This isn't helpful or useful to personal growth or confidence. The achievements we gain can only be seen truly in their wholeness through our own eyes. Only we ourselves know how much energy, effort, and struggle was overcame to achieve.
The same can be said about other's achievements. We may look at them with envy or longing to achieve something close to that, but in fact the other may themselves not value their own achievement, or it may not be much of an achievement at all. Perhaps they were in a position of privilege that made the achievement easier, maybe they didn't have to go through anywhere near the amount of struggle or effort that we have to achieve a goal. Maybe it was handed to them. These are things we simply cannot know. And so should not allow their achievements take anything away from what we know about ours.
Internal achievement, internal growth, reflection, anything is still achievement. It is difficult when you feel so insignificant, but your achievements still matter, and they should matter to no one else more than yourself. I know it is hard, but give yourself credit for even the smallest of things, the meaning comes from within yourself, not what other people think or have 'achieved' in comparison.
Anyway I've monologued here I'm sorry, I hope some of that makes sense or is useful in any way. Take care.
I think it comes from a fear of embarrassment when it comes to accepting my own achievements. I have this feeling that someone's going to pop up behind me and tell me that it's all a lie and that I'm actually worthless and have no positive qualities.
It's not just a voice, it's people who have said those things to me in the past. I know that I don't want them to control my life but I often feel like I don't have a choice.
I get you. That internal self-critical voice of self-doubt is one of the biggest struggles. I'm sorry people have said such things to you in the past. Criticism is hard enough from yourself never mind from others. But unless it's constructive, which it doesn't sound like it is, it doesn't need to be true. I know how you feel, it's debilitating sometimes.
Yeah it's rarely constructive sadly. My brain is very black-and-white in terms of how I think so as soon as someone criticises me, it's like "that's it, it's never going to be good enough".