Published on 12, July, 2020
It's a constant feeling I've had since I was a teenager. I'm not just talking about lack of success in the friend department but in terms of general life achievements.
I generally don't recognise my achievements cos I think they're not as good as what other people have done. While I have worked on a TV programme and had a credit (on screen), I know people who have gone on to work on films or people who seem to really be hyped up by those around them.
I've always felt indifferent, insignificant and unremarkable and there's a general feeling that no one would miss me if I was gone. More so now after the last 5 months (where I've had no support network at all). I feel it should spur me on to do more but it doesn't. It feels like every good thing I've ever done means nothing because of the big bad thing I did and I do believe I am a bad person.
I often feel like if the thing I do isn't outwardly, it doesn't count. If I was an impressive singer, I think I'd be more appreciated than something which probably means nothing to people (the TV stuff) or having climbed Mount Snowdon.
I'm really sorry to bring the mood down as I try and avoid doing that on here. It has just been a bit difficult.
A lot of people feel that way about themselves. There's a myth out there that 'the thing itself' is its own reward. It isn't. It's BS. I mean, if you create a sculpture say, or a painting, what is really the point if no-one else is ever going to see it...? 'Achievement' is a very difficult concept.
You seem to feeling that the grass is greener in a different camp, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be - it would just carry with it different problems!
It's that feeling of "I need to get to this level before I can be happy about myself" and I know that's an unhealthy way of thinking about things. It's something I'm working on but it feels impossibly hard especially when it's actually true that most of the people you know actively dislike you (not remotely an exaggeration on this occasion).
Certainly from the outside other people seem a lot happier than I am, it seems to be one thing after another.
I absolutely know what you mean, but I'd be careful though as when you do finally reach that level it can just be replaced by another impossible bar to have to reach.
I'm always suspicious about the concept of 'happiness'. For me it doesn't exist, it's like a null concept.
I'm definitely prone to latching on to people (!) but it's just a case of allowing myself to feel and not having these extra pressures.
I know, we latch on to stuff like a dog with a bone!
Yeah, I've already learnt the hard way that putting that pressure on myself does more harm than good. It's hard to get out of the habit.
Sure, don't forget though that the vast vast bulk of the human race live and die without having anything to show for it. It's difficult, it's a struggle. When you're old fuddy duddy it's even worse! The pressure is phenomenal.
Yeah, I'm trying to rid myself of these expectations and bars but I'm afraid of going too far the other way and not having anything to show for my life (although admittedly that's where I am now).