Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I have ADHD (32F) and have a partner (27M) who is presently on the waiting list for an autism referral. We both have our own issues, but both work really hard to communicate and work through them together as a team. For the most part, and despite our various issues, we are extremely happy together.
The main issue we appear to have encountered recently surrounds the topic of having children in future. I want to make it clear from the outset that I am not desperate to have kids right now; I fully recognise that it would not be practical at this time for a variety of reasons (including the fact he is awaiting an autism referral).
I have always known, however, that I do want kids at some stage. It is something I have always held very close to my heart and, since it has become clear that our relationship is so strong and we are both committed to in the long term, it is a topic which has come up.
Of course, the fact that my partner is younger than me naturally has an impact on the conversation and he has said himself that he has only felt like an adult since he moved out of his mum’s and in with me. He has been in relationships before, but none were serious enough to warrant him considering children in future. I get it totally! It’s a big decision for anyone and not something anyone wants to rush into! I am glad that he is taking it seriously and isn’t just saying what he knows I want to hear!
Since the first time we have had the conversation, he has become more amenable to the idea and has said so, but he also says he is not sure whether it is something he wants.
I think my main issue is that I’m getting really mixed signals from him. On the one hand, he seems to get quite happy/emotional being around kids and see me with kids. He is constantly sending me posts/videos etc. on social media of cute babies/kids etc. In the main, it does not come across that he doesn’t like the idea of kids. In fact, he has also told me that it’s not the idea of having kids itself he is having issues with, but the issue of him having kids, as he can’t visualise what a future with kids would look like (I understand this can be a symptom of autism - I.e. an inability to visualise anything outside one’s normal routine or comfort zone). He also says that he doesn’t feel he knows who he is and, although realising he probably has autism has helped him make sense of a lot of things, he still hasn’t worked out a lot of stuff about himself.
As I say, I am not in any hurry to have kids. I want it to be right and with the right person. Neither am I suggesting that I want advice about how to convince him it’s a good idea. Ultimately, if it isn’t what he wants then it’s not what he wants and I would never try to push him into it!
Being completely honest, all I want is to know I’m not wasting my time if he is never going to want what I want. I’m not expecting anyone to be able to answer that for me on here and I don’t expect him to be able to answer that for me now. From my own experience of finding out I had ADHD as an adult, I know it’s an emotional rollercoaster and it does force you to put yourself under a microscope/question aspects of yourself. Naturally, it is going to raise serious questions about what you want in life.
I think I just want to know if anyone on here has been through this (from both sides) and if there is any advice or insight you are able to offer. I am genuinely interested to get a better understanding of how autism might make this decision more complicated and how others have/are dealing with it.
Thank you!
I think it's cruel to bring children into the home of an autistic person, to both the autistic person and the children.
My father is autistic and would have a meltdown every time we cried because he couldn't stand the noise of it. This was obviously terrifying for us as children and caused a lot of trauma. By the time I was 6 or 7 I had learned to cry silently to ensure my personal safety.
If I lived with a partner who brought children into my home I would probably kill myself.
I know exactly what you mean, it’s not uncommon for most autistic people to have experienced an autistic parent or family, what you describe is my grandfather. My parents also exhibited similar quirks of oppressiveness.
But firstly I found that it’s not cruel to not be perfect, kids have a habit of adopting the shape they need to, though one should strive to facilitate gladness as a parent and not expect it for nothing. Secondly what you are describing isn’t an autistic person, you’re describing an unhealthy/lacking/inflexible coping strategy, something that can be prepared for by the diligent.
The fact that we are here and able to reflect our childhood experiences of having to appease parental quirk, is prove that we are capable of understanding nurturing behaviour, if only because remember our own childhood protocols and behaviours. I think that every parent should seek peer review and mentorship. I think that everyone can benefit from support to succeed in parental endeavours.
DeSpereaux said:The fact that we are here and able to reflect our childhood experiences of having to appease parental quirk, is prove that we are capable of understanding nurturing behaviour, if only because remember our own childhood protocols and behaviours
I am from an autistic family, my father was autistic, my brother and several of his children are autistic. My mother was.. .Something else. Neither of my parents were easy people, my childhood was extremely difficult, by any measure you could think of.
It doesn't define me though, because through endless struggle I have learned to be better; to strive not to be defined by my early life. I would have no issue with being a parent, because I am not my own.
It's very difficult, I know - but I believe it possible to define your own life, rather than be the product of others.
Thank you my friend, I appreciate your words
You certainly have a polemic definition to your parents Pegg, relative to the your account of them, you are smart and kind and important. I do not believe that I am the only one here who would endorse you as a great-good Pegg. As such I consider your view to have a greater weight than it would have had if you had not been expressing it..