The “Kids” Discussion with Autistic Partner

Thank you my friend, I appreciate your words

Children bring huge change and lots of uncertainty. Sometimes it can take autistic people a lot longer to come round to things maybe than for neurotypical people.  Also many autistic people need a lot of alone time to recharge from the world and children, especially when young need a lot of attention. The prospect of burnout (again) is very real for some people. I can relate to "not knowing who he is". Once you kind of do, life settles down a bit and it's really hard to think of having ones boat rocked again.

You certainly have a polemic definition to your parents Pegg, relative to the your account of them, you are smart and kind and important. I do not believe that I am the only one here who would endorse you as a great-good Pegg. As such I consider your view to have a greater weight than it would have had if you had not been expressing it..

DeSpereaux said:

The fact that we are here and able to reflect our childhood experiences of having to appease parental quirk, is prove that we are capable of understanding nurturing behaviour, if only because remember our own childhood protocols and behaviours

I am from an autistic family, my father was autistic, my brother and several of his children are autistic. My mother was.. .Something else. Neither of my parents were easy people, my childhood was extremely difficult, by any measure you could think of. 

It doesn't define me though, because through endless struggle I have learned to be better; to strive not to be defined by my early life. I would have no issue with being a parent, because I am not my own. 

It's very difficult, I know - but I believe it possible to define your own life, rather than be the product of others.

To get back to the OPs point. You may have heard the saying other peoples children are wonderful, or kids are great so long as you can give them back. It’s a fact that having children will really restrict how your husband can live his life. Children are the kind of thing that when they come along your life tends to have to wrap around them. Autistic people are not that flexible and generally require life's environments to wrap around their needs. I’m not saying a balance can’t be struck but it has to be carefully planned.

Your husband probably wants to be very sure that once for kids are born he can cope and he can still have a life he can stand. ‘We will just find out what happens’ approach will not work with him. You probably need to have a firm plan in place for how you’d raise the kids before they’re born. And a set of tests as to when you would have the resources and everything in place to be able to do it. And you probably need to have backup plans for those plans because as they say no plan survives contact with the enemy and that goes doubly for children.

He might even want kids but he’ll probably want every condition to be perfect before he takes the plunge.

True. It would be a bad idea for OP to have kids with a reluctant partner even if he turns out not to be autistic.

Been there, done that. My father is a paranoid schizophrenic that always refused to treat or acknowledge his problem. Growing up in that house was hell.

I’m not trying to take away from your experience, in fact I would say that the workable nature of psychology that your parent failed mould, makes it all the more aggravating in my opinion..

I understand that but I’d just like to point out that the adjective you used there is not a core tenant of autism, you could remove the autism and your statement would still mean the same thing, you use the word cruel as if the reluctance was not the main issue but he autism was.. Reluctant is a psychological issue and thus a malleable one with the right support.. There is nothing inherently bad about the core tenant of autism nor is it cruel to have to learn to work with it..

Please please please, both of you get a diagnosis and start addressing your issues BEFORE having children. Many people have children even while they are not ready to take care of them. Somehow, people think that "children will fix everything". That's just not true. Child rearing is extremely stressful and triggering, especially if the child inherits some of the parents issues. Please, think twice before doing that.  

Sorry for your experience but this blanket statement needs to better reflect the diversity of the autistic community.

I'm autistic, and from an autistic household. My experience was much more positive than this and I know I'm providing a solid and loving home for my son so, autism isn't the defining factor here. Many autistic households will be amazing places to grow up

Personally I would rather not have been the child in the "can a reluctant autistic be a good parent?" experiment. It was absolutely cruel to both of us.

I know exactly what you mean, it’s not uncommon for most autistic people to have experienced an autistic parent or family, what you describe is my grandfather. My parents also exhibited similar quirks of oppressiveness.

But firstly I found that it’s not cruel to not be perfect, kids have a habit of adopting the shape they need to, though one should strive to facilitate gladness as a parent and not expect it for nothing. Secondly what you are describing isn’t an autistic person, you’re describing an unhealthy/lacking/inflexible coping strategy, something that can be prepared for by the diligent.

The fact that we are here and able to reflect our childhood experiences of having to appease parental quirk, is prove that we are capable of understanding nurturing behaviour, if only because remember our own childhood protocols and behaviours. I think that every parent should seek peer review and mentorship. I think that everyone can benefit from support to succeed in parental endeavours.

I think it's cruel to bring children into the home of an autistic person, to both the autistic person and the children.

My father is autistic and would have a meltdown every time we cried because he couldn't stand the noise of it. This was obviously terrifying for us as children and caused a lot of trauma. By the time I was 6 or 7 I had learned to cry silently to ensure my personal safety.

If I lived with a partner who brought children into my home I would probably kill myself.

Sounds like he is just having the doubts that most people have? Trust me, I so nearly disjt have kids, I was well against it.

I was always very against the idea of having kids overall because of what I would have to 'give up' from my own life. But, we reached a point where my partner wanted kids and I loved my partner enough, and could see that it would only add to our story and create an even stronger family narrative which I wanted to be part of. This was what clinched it for me.

My son is 3 next month and I can honestly say I can't believe I ever doubted it. Having him has been the single most intensely loving thing I've ever experienced. It's challenged our relationship, our individual personhood, and our bank balance in all the ways you can imagine, and will continue to do so. But it's clear to me now, if I'm not caring for other people I love them what on earth are we on earth to do?

So I recommend you focus on your relationship. Support each other in your hurdles, and, when the time is right, you will be in a place of support in whatever decisions you individually decide, when it comes to having children also.

There are no guarantees in life. But I can guarantee one thing, if you build a partnership of support and love then this is the best and most fundamental part of a successful family.

Go and be happy, together. Then let life unfold

You may be right, that it's something he can't visualize, maybe in turn that makes it harder for him to know how he feels about it. 

Your post reminds me of my brother, who is autistic, was absolutely disinterested in the idea of having children, even after he was married. He couldn't imagine it. 

He now has 5 children - I suppose because, having had one, he was able to understand what it was like. 

I can't say I've been through this situation- my partner and I (both autistic) always knew we didn't want kids. But the way you describe your partner makes me wonder whether his hesitation might be related to anxiety about whether he'd be a good dad.

He seems to like the idea of having kids, and is self-aware enough to know that he's still got some things to figure out about himself before he takes that step of becoming a parent. Have you discussed possible doubts about parenthood at all? Perhaps he's worried that being autistic will make things harder- either for himself, or for you, or for any kids he chooses to have. Or perhaps his hesitation is just because we can struggle with change sometimes. After all, becoming a parent is one of the biggest changes you can make to your life.

Hi! 

I thought this was such an interesting post. 

I need to caveat what I will type after this with: I am a 35yo pansexual cis woman and I have never wanted children. They annoyed me when I was a kid and the vast majority of them annoy me now as an adult. I also don't wish to push anything out of my vagina. 

I think it is super super great you're having this discussion to begin with, pending his diagnosis or otherwise. But having been both 27 and (more recently 32) I know how different these stages feel. It might be at 32 he is going to feel truly whole and satisfied...but you'll be 37 and I'm sure I don't have to explain to someone as smart and articulate as you that that will be a problem. 

If you love him truly you'll figure it out, but keep the discussion open and flowing, he might just need a little longer to stew on it. We're naturally resistant to change and change....it is! 

I think it’s right to have children, it’s also right to be responsible for them, it’s not a good thing to do nothing if you want something. Nothing is ever perfect and life does tend to find a way to utilise the available resources..

This is a complicated question as the primary concern is that of chaos, the unknown, sometimes the greater-good needs less of the planning and the preempting in order to manifest.  
Despite the anxiety of these decisions, autistic people tend not to take-to declaration, as well as they take-to exposure. So I think that once you have the exposure, you will be able to proceduralise parenting in your way, which won’t be something you or an NT can imagine..