The “Kids” Discussion with Autistic Partner

Hi all

I have ADHD (32F) and have a partner (27M) who is presently on the waiting list for an autism referral. We both have our own issues, but both work really hard to communicate and work through them together as a team. For the most part, and despite our various issues, we are extremely happy together. 

The main issue we appear to have encountered recently surrounds the topic of having children in future. I want to make it clear from the outset that I am not desperate to have kids right now; I fully recognise that it would not be practical at this time for a variety of reasons (including the fact he is awaiting an autism referral).

I have always known, however, that I do want kids at some stage. It is something I have always held very close to my heart and, since it has become clear that our relationship is so strong and we are both committed to in the long term, it is a topic which has come up.

Of course, the fact that my partner is younger than me naturally has an impact on the conversation and he has said himself that he has only felt like an adult since he moved out of his mum’s and in with me. He has been in relationships before, but none were serious enough to warrant him considering children in future. I get it totally! It’s a big decision for anyone and not something anyone wants to rush into! I am glad that he is taking it seriously and isn’t just saying what he knows I want to hear! 

Since the first time we have had the conversation, he has become more amenable to the idea and has said so, but he also says he is not sure whether it is something he wants. 

I think my main issue is that I’m getting really mixed signals from him. On the one hand, he seems to get quite happy/emotional being around kids and see me with kids. He is constantly sending me posts/videos etc. on social media of cute babies/kids etc. In the main, it does not come across that he doesn’t like the idea of kids. In fact, he has also told me that it’s not the idea of having kids itself he is having issues with, but the issue of him having kids, as he can’t visualise what a future with kids would look like (I understand this can be a symptom of autism - I.e. an inability to visualise anything outside one’s normal routine or comfort zone). He also says that he doesn’t feel he knows who he is and, although realising he probably has autism has helped him make sense of a lot of things, he still hasn’t worked out a lot of stuff about himself.

As I say, I am not in any hurry to have kids. I want it to be right and with the right person. Neither am I suggesting that I want advice about how to convince him it’s a good idea. Ultimately, if it isn’t what he wants then it’s not what he wants and I would never try to push him into it! 

Being completely honest, all I want is to know I’m not wasting my time if he is never going to want what I want. I’m not expecting anyone to be able to answer that for me on here and I don’t expect him to be able to answer that for me now. From my own experience of finding out I had ADHD as an adult, I know it’s an emotional rollercoaster and it does force you to put yourself under a microscope/question aspects of yourself. Naturally, it is going to raise serious questions about what you want in life.

I think I just want to know if anyone on here has been through this (from both sides) and if there is any advice or insight you are able to offer. I am genuinely interested to get a better understanding of how autism might make this decision more complicated and how others have/are dealing with it. 

Thank you!