Published on 12, July, 2020
Does this make any kind of sense to anyone?
For me, society seems to be present me with a choice
1. Act normal, uptight and be accepted on the surface, as a walk down the street, but feel depressed, isolated because I have internally obliterated some of the essential quirky parts of my character.
2. Relax, act a bit quirky, and have people avoid me in the street, and be treated like some kind of rapist, mad animal or wierd alien sub-species.
From my own perspective, it seems that people outside have this extra, unnecessary layer, that is like an armed militaristic assault vehicle designed to convince people of their social status - it makes them seem fake, uptight and often rather reactionary, even if they identify as progressive or left wing, because they can't see past their social conditioning needs, that they push in my face at every possible mimenf. If I try to conform to their behaviours of physical uptightness, pushing out my personality like some kind of armed militaristic assault vehicle then my body has to become extremely tense indeed, it's like I'm absorbing all their uptightness, and externally I seem to go to the extreme of their behaviour and often appear robotic or irritable or unreasonably idealistic.
So, that's my dilemma either become robotic or be treated like a potential alien-weirdo-rapist.
Sound familiar, or not?
WiredDifferently said:2. Relax, act a bit quirky, and have people avoid me in the street, and be treated like some kind of rapist, mad animal or wierd alien sub-species.
You would have to have some pretty way-out stims to make people walk across the road to get away from you - what are you doing that is so different to the neurotypicals?
I found that you don't need to mask to behave exactly like them - mostly just a dialling down of the obvious issues is enough to stop startling them and to save you energy from having to mask so hard.
The confidence from being maybe 90% authentic is self reinforcing I find - just avoid singing out loud to whatever you are listening to on your phone, don't point and stare at people, maybe keep facial tics or changing expressions to a minimum and you can pass for normal.
Since we are a minority in a 95-97% neurotypical world then I think we should try to make an effort not to upset the NTs. It would be nice if we didn't have to do it, but if we know our behaviours scare people then we should take some responsibility to learn to dial it back - in my opinion.
It doesn't take much to find that sweet spot between being full on yourself and full on masked, but whether you have the willpower to keep doing it is down to you.
Sorry to be rude, Iain but this is utter crap.
The N.T.'s ALWAYS sniff you out after a time.
And once they do the word gets around: "You know that guy? There's somethng "off" about him..."
My doctor refused point blank to test me for Autism until I insisted, having taken the online test myself at home. so I guess I "mask" as "normal" at first meeting well enough. But as soon as I get into a "social" situation such as work or training etc. Where there's a bunch of normies, I end up getting the shitty end of the stick.
And don't forget I had no idea until a couple of years ago that I was Autistic, and all the normies could tell me was that "i wasn't quiet right in the head" or "you don't do the right things".
Specific accusations of misconduct were very rare, the vagueness of it was what I couldn't understand...
I Sperg said:The N.T.'s ALWAYS sniff you out after a time.
Yep. That's certainly been my experience.
You’re absolutely right it that Pegg, ‘less distinct’ is exactly what it is as a ineffective p-protocol rusts in a corner of our mind, as the other behaviours we succeed-with then metastasise around a bad protocol, thus cutting us off from it for the most part.. you say that very well..
DeSpereaux said:I think it’s the case that not being aware of encircle, before they close in makes being decimated all the more traumatising, because you have no clear understanding of the events.
Yes... It can be very difficult to read a situation in which you're about to become a target for hostility... NTs have their own methods of masking, sometimes compounded by us being our authentic selves.. Their social code generally appears to exclude straightforward transactions or honest words.
We weren't born masking, it's learned behaviour, arising from the rejection of our authentic selves by the NT world in which we must survive. There's an old picture of me, aged 4, at nursery - I'm painting - all the children are painting... But already I'm on my own, apart from the larger group. I had already been excluded, was already learning to mask.
DeSpereaux said:Whenever I approached these circumstances again I always seem to come up against, all these unprocessed experiences, that I had once left behind
Are they unprocessed, do you think? Or maybe we just live through them - and the next time we meet circumstances that resonate with past experiences we are reminded - but we can also be armoured by them, potentially.. I used to think that experience could be resolved, but now - that it is less resolved than absorbed into the tapestry of our lives, becoming less distinct, yet more integral to ourselves.
You have survived thus far and so you will continue to do so. In spite of the slings and arrows of life, which can throw us off course for a time, we do get better at living it.
I think what I Sperg said is about right, eventually they single you out, eventually it’s not enough to be inert. Small-minded people will always be looking to test their firepower out on small fries. But I think it’s the case that not being aware of encircle, before they close in makes being decimated all the more traumatising, because you have no clear understanding of the events. I have survived thus far, it is true, but I don’t seem to be able to consolidate how it has affected me. Whenever I approached these circumstances again I always seem to come up against, all these unprocessed experiences, that I had once left behind. I seem to compartmentalise all of my wisdom and experience within various protocols, which means I can live through uncorrupted paths, without being harangued by traumas. I am quite affected by my bad unfinished-conversations though..
My third attempt at a reply... I just can't find the words today.
If you've been able to pass without particular notice in these environments; and if that has insulated you from the persecution that typically arises from standing out, then that's good. Anything that helps us survive in the world is good.