The Choice

I used to beat myself up constantly, assuming people hated and shunned me because I was 'weird' and had 'perverted' aspects of my personality that I had to keep secret. The best thing I ever did was throw all that stupid baggage in the bin and fully unmask. I now celebrate my difference, and you should too. 

I have a suspicion that a lot of us autists get into LARPing and D&D for this reason. I used to RP on dedicated forums myself back when I had more time. Ofc forums themselves are rare now, it's Discord servers and FB groups that would mostly do them now.

I Sperg said:

The N.T.'s ALWAYS sniff you out after a time.

Yes!!!

Acting "normally" will eventually catch up with you, I know from experience and it's not fun.

My advice is if you feel you can't present your true self, try and project a modulated version that you can keep up, it's like a lie, it's easier to believe if it has an element of truth.

Masking ASD is like hiding a bright light behind a blackout curtain. The light bleeds around the edges. 

But ask yourself, do you mask to make yourself comfortable or so people feel comfortable around you?

That's quite sad Number, but I know where Debbie (hibernating) is coming from, though just being my curious self I think my first thought would be to look for your dog, as most folks I see out walking in the countryside are walking the dog.

I agree I Sperg, we cannot be anyone but ourselves and we shouldn't have to be, NTs could just not speak in coded ways and say what they mean but they choose not to for their own comfort at our exclusion. We aren't responsible for their pathological need for social cohesion at cost to their own integrity and they unrealistically expect people to know what the issue is without actually telling them.

Iain said:

It doesn't take much to find that sweet spot between being full on yourself and full on masked, but whether you have the willpower to keep doing it is down to you.

It's not willpower Iain, it's energy. I've never known a fellow autist to be able to mask well if at all after a bad night's sleep. And that's not how tics work, the more you try suppress them the more they will come out. Everyone masks to a degree but the extent ND people are expected to is inherently harmful and none of us should have to damage ourselves for the convenience of others, we have as much right to exist as our true selves and take up space as anyone else.

Yes familiar, though I think how I get percieved when I unmask is quirky-inconsistent-oddity I was fortunate to be born with a "cute" and expressive face and retain it into adulthood or so I've ben told quite a few times from different sources, I am trusted as much as any stranger on the street because by good fortune I have a very non thretening aura by default.
My issue is once I open my mouth people don't know how to pigeonhole me into the neat categories that society likes to put people in, I talk with a "posh" accent apparently but then I use extensive slang from multiple sources, people can't even tell where I'm from. And although they don't stop being friendly I can tell it makes thems standoffish because they feel like not being able to read certain things about me is a barrier to us being anything other than amicable aquaintances. So being outwardly approachable doesn't necessarilly equate to easy friendship building. But I am as I have said before the kind of person that puts the aut in autist, I'm very self contained and self content, and I don't get lonely which has not always stopped me feeling oestracised but it has always kept me from feeling isolated in a negative sense.
I tend to mirror mask just enough to build a raport with people and then try let it slip in early that I am ND so there's no shock when I can't or won't hold the mask up anymore because it's not in me to be fake, and sometimes that's worked actually, because nice people like that you felt able to trust them with that information. And if it doesn't work out then logically I chalk it up to you can't be friends with literally everybody not even if you were NT anyway. Sometimes even if there's nothing unpleasant about you some people will just not like you and there's nothing you can do about it so it's important for your mental health to realise you cannot take all rejection personally.

Good for you man, that is an act of kindness I'm sure he's never had before and I'm sure he will always remember and be grateful for.

I have a quirky side - don't we all? But I rarely get to let that side of me come to the surface. I love to pretend play, usually secret agents I used to do that all the time with my sister, loved it and so did she. People used to laugh, they still would now but I don't care the world can judge if it wants I'm just going to have fun.

That is precisely why I avoid the associated stress levels through 121 engagement. You're wrong if you openly admit to ASD and equally wrong if you stay shtum about it as I do. People in both instances do not understand. In my case I am labeled as antisocial and a person to be avoided. I guess it's finally a personal choice with continuing with the social struggle and its associated stressful complications or by taking avoidance tactics. 

You’re absolutely right it that Pegg, ‘less distinct’ is exactly what it is as a ineffective p-protocol rusts in a corner of our mind, as the other behaviours we succeed-with then metastasise around a bad protocol, thus cutting us off from it for the most part.. you say that very well..

DeSpereaux said:

I think it’s the case that not being aware of encircle, before they close in makes being decimated all the more traumatising, because you have no clear understanding of the events.

Yes...  It can be very difficult to read a situation in which you're about to become a target for hostility... NTs have their own methods of masking, sometimes compounded by us being our authentic selves.. Their social code generally appears to exclude straightforward transactions or honest words. 

We weren't born masking, it's learned behaviour, arising from the rejection of our authentic selves by the NT world in which we must survive. There's an old picture of me, aged 4, at nursery - I'm painting - all the children are painting... But already I'm on my own, apart from the larger group. I had already been excluded, was already learning to mask. 

DeSpereaux said:

Whenever I approached these circumstances again I always seem to come up against, all these unprocessed experiences, that I had once left behind

Are they unprocessed, do you think? Or maybe we just live through them - and the next time we meet circumstances that resonate with past experiences we are reminded - but we can also be armoured by them, potentially.. I used to think that experience could be resolved, but now - that it is less resolved than absorbed into the tapestry of our lives, becoming less distinct, yet more integral to ourselves.

You have survived thus far and so you will continue to do so. In spite of the slings and arrows of life, which can throw us off course for a time, we do get better at living it.

WiredDifferently said:

partly the lack of space, if like me you’re 6’2” and walk like a combination of Ja Ja Binns and The Jolly Green giant, with a loping gait, and a habit of sighing loudly as I’m walking along, then the suspicions start to rise alarmingly.

Funny!

I'm considered "big" by most and "frightening" by many.  I tend to walk often with the speed and intensity of a "guilty" man who looks like he is getting away from somewhere asap, but without drawing attention by running.

I'd be wary of me approaching in an underpass or lonely woodland!

I am constantly on high alert to try and reassure people as quickly as possible....but naturally, any such effort can equally heighten their arm or concern.

There is no winning way of doing right......but then you already know that.

I live in a village where there is this lad, roughly 17. He is autistic, but to a much greater degree than me. He dresses as a Jedi to go outside and i often see him in the street practicing with his light sabre. 

Many people laugh at him or pretend he doesnt exist. The first time i saw him i walked right up to him and said 'dude that is the coolest thing i have seen all year'. 

He looked at me and simply said 'thank you.' 

Given a choice i am always my quirky self. Let the people laugh or ignore me. That way i know that the people that talk to me are not hostile. 

I think what I Sperg said is about right, eventually they single you out, eventually it’s not enough to be inert.  
Small-minded people will always be looking to test their firepower out on small fries. But I think it’s the case that not being aware of encircle, before they close in makes being decimated all the more traumatising, because you have no clear understanding of the events. 
I have survived thus far, it is true, but I don’t seem to be able to consolidate how it has affected me. Whenever I approached these circumstances again I always seem to come up against, all these unprocessed experiences, that I had once left behind.  
I seem to compartmentalise all of my wisdom and experience within various protocols, which means I can live through uncorrupted paths, without being harangued by traumas. I am quite affected by my bad unfinished-conversations though..

My third attempt at a reply... I just can't find the words today. 

If you've been able to pass without particular notice in these environments; and if that has insulated you from the persecution that typically arises from standing out, then that's good. Anything that helps us survive in the world is good.

Yeah, totally relate to that, people viewing single males as some kind of threat by default, and that’s a big pity because the biggest healing factor in my life has been walking in parks and the countryside where I can depressurise and let organic processes in me come and go in their natural rhythm.  It lets my brain and body return to their natural state.

But in most towns and places, if I go to the park alone, people look at me like a rapist or a peado, because I’m not walking a dog or looking after my children, I’m just there enjoying the ducks and the geese and the swans and the trees and the squirrels and grass and trees and sunshine - what a nutter! definitely must be something wrong with him.

Strangely enough, the only place I find this doesn’t happen much is London, which is an absolute godsend from my point of view, as its where I live.  I think in such a densely packed and chaotic place there is some kind of acknowledgement that people have to get out, and London being what it is, there is a great deal of diversity who live in the place - people who are alone, people who are with groups, people of all types of sexualities and races, people who dress totally way out, people who dress ultra conservative - it’s sort of an overwhelming mixture, but gives a sense of freedom, people are sort of allowed to be who they want to be, within limits.  It’s either that, or the feeling of “I’ll never see these people again, so who cares.”

However, that said, walking on the street, people seem to get a lot more uptight / aggressive / suspicious - particularly at night for obvious reasons, I guess its partly the lack of space, if like me you’re 6’2” and walk like a combination of Ja Ja Binns and The Jolly Green giant, with a loping gait, and a habit of sighing loudly as I’m walking along, then the suspicions start to rise alarmingly.

Especially as we have a tendency to stare.

It's the pincer movement.

Hammered at the Crucible.

I was normal, as a kid; and young man. However, the longer I dealt with life, the more suspicious I became.

I'm respected in my local community; however, no one comes to me. That suits me, better. Quality of friendship, not quantity.

I’m not so sure that I even comprehend that I’m being found out..

When I was at work everybody knew me, even the executives who didn’t know anybody of my pay grade, I was ‘red tie guy’. 
When I was at school I was ‘blazer kid’. 
But generally I just obliviously go about my business..

oh my sweet summer child. Guys get called a rapist just for looking 'funny' at a women these days. You get judged on tiny nuances of body language you display subconsciously in women's presence.