Published on 12, July, 2020
I was never a social butterfly, I never wanted a massive social network. However, I knew that I would have been happy with a fairly tight network of people I could actually keep count of and invest in. I overcorrected and it all went wrong.
I got along with people at school/college etc but nothing that felt like a friendship I was fully invested in. I wouldn't really get to speak to them much outside of those environments.
It was all change when I was 22 and I started a job (working as a runner on a TV show). It was a tight-knit crew and very pally, and I felt more welcome there than I ever did anywhere else. The problem was that I didn't know the line between friendly acquaintances and friends. While I was lucky enough to meet up with three of them outside of that job, I strained other relationships (and even those relationships aren't what they were).
It's hard to really know if we naturally drifted apart or, unbeknownst to me, I pushed them away. I'm leaning towards the latter. I tended to be very intense, needy, and at this stage I didn't really know what I wanted.
When I was 23, I started using Twitter a lot more and engaging with the community there which worked for a while. Directly and indirectly I made connections I genuinely felt were strong. However, I still overloaded myself. Before long, I realised there were 30 people I considered 'friends' based on a very narrow definition.
I used to keep spreadsheets and stuff like that to keep track. I used to assort people based on closeness and how we met etc. I thankfully got rid of that eventually because it's embarrassing. I thought it would help me understand what I want better but it didn't, it stressed me out even more.
I was too mechanical with it all, instead of listening to what I personally felt more comfortable with, but I just couldn't identify that. Eventually I decided that all these categories were too much and I'd just keep it to 'friends' and 'acquaintances' but I wasn't being open enough to really navigate that in a healthy way.
I was desperate to meet people in person, do calls etc. I ended up putting pressure on people, chasing them and I put pressure on myself to hold friendships together. I would go out of my way to do nice things for people (because I wanted to) but I didn't always have the best intentions; there was a touch of 'I hope they'll return the favour' rather than just doing it because I wanted to.
I was embarrassed to speak up and say 'I need your help' because I thought I was being difficult. As a result, things just manifested. Unbeknownst to me I just kept ruining the goodwill I had built up from people by pushing too hard. I would have people who already liked me for who I was and I would still neglect them in favour of someone who was nice to me once and I idealise a friendship with them, even though there is not a natural connection there. There's a balance between that and developing something with someone where there clearly is something there that I didn't really strike.
I almost wonder if I just became self-destructive. I never really knew how to handle having friends and so I ended up completely ruining it. I didn't want to but it's almost like there's a part of me that didn't believe I deserved any of that. I had created a mess and I didn't have the maturity or self-control to clean it up.
It all came to an end a few months ago because I did something stupid but it has allowed me to really reflect.
Did I inflict this on myself? Perhaps I needed a bit more handholding, so to speak? Even the friendships that were actually really pleasant and easy, I inflicted more stress on myself instead of just letting things flow naturally, and I'll always give myself a hard time for it.
Growing up I always struggled in groups because there would be like 5 of us (so an odd number) and obviously that will lead to one person getting left out. Inevitably that would be me. I would try and jump in with a comment to be a part of it but I wouldn't know when is the most appropriate time to do it etc and yeah, it got exhausting so I don't do it anymore.
I used to be a part of peer support groups on Zoom which were easier because at least I can raise my hand. Maybe I should have tried that more in real life!
I did organise a few 'group meet-ups' - or tried to anyway (but the process was extremely stressful, mostly self-inflicted). Those were okay because the dynamics were different. I always had one person to talk to (or mostly did) so I didn't feel like I was on my own, and I felt like I was a part of it.
It felt like something worth building on.
Yeah - I am impressed that you even tried group socialising- i just don’t do groups- one on one is the way to go for me :)
Oh wow- I’ve never realised there are unspoken rules- sounds super complicated when you view it like this. But friendship can actually be simple and easy, if it’s with the right people.
It's a crying shame really because it's something I always wanted, but I went into it blind and that's never a good idea.
I wish I was more honest about how difficult it was.
Friendships are diving in to the unknown and there's so much to process and think about
It's not surprising you and so many others find out so stressful.
I don't have any friends but if I did I know I would find it stressful.
I've read here before that people often get stressed when it comes to making and keeping friends.
Oh well, at least we may possibly have soul mates here.
In my case I think I was just masking a lot, and therefore trying way too hard.
It is really true for me as well! Perhaps I was simply bored? or just could not be bothered. I dunno.
Yeah. Even when I found a group of sorts I didn't allow myself to be fully immersed.
You describe me. I never seemed to gel in a group, always on the outside looking in. I was never able to "read" people and react with an appropriate behaviour.
Iain said:It seems healthier to approach it from the point of view that you need to interact less, with fewer people and to be more open about your "lack of skills" in this area so the other people don't treat you linke an NT with the same reactions they would have if an NT said/did what you did.
All of the friends I had by the end were autistic or at least neurodivergent. I felt it was the most comfortable approach, but we still weren't communicating as openly as we should have. I naively thought we didn't need to because we're both autistic and we'll just get each other etc. Things still went very wrong.
I over thought it. I wanted those deeper connections but I rushed them and even when I did have them, it didn't feel like it was enough. I was constantly worrying that they didn't want me anymore if I didn't hear from them for like a month (it was true on a few occasions which didn't help).
Friendships are a real challenge for us because many of us don't understand the rules in the same instinctive way that neurotypicals do.
You tried to manage the rules but using your spreadsheet and using a mechanical process to direct your interactions, but as you pointed out it doesn't really work that way.
Remember that our brains developed differently in the centres that manage social interaction so you are never going to be able to think like they do, interact like they do and understand the "rules" like they do.
It seems healthier to approach it from the point of view that you need to interact less, with fewer people and to be more open about your "lack of skills" in this area so the other people don't treat you linke an NT with the same reactions they would have if an NT said/did what you did.
I would suggest starting with building up a solid understanding of the rules around social interaction and conversations:
The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)ISBN: 9781941765388
Then spend some time looking at techniques to find / keep friends while embracing your autistic side:
An Aspie's Guide to Making and Keeping Friends - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)eISBN 9781784501259
Friendships The Aspie Way - Wendy Lawson (2006)ISBN-10: 1 84310 427 X
Don't expect friendships to be the same for us as it is between neurotypicals and with the knowledge you will have learned it should put you in a much better position to rebuild.
Also try to work on your impulse control and take extra care when posting anything publically to avoid a repeat of what happened before.
For what it's worth I was much the same in my teens to 20s and I still sometimes let loose with a contentious statement here and there which show that in spite of knowing the rules and training yourself to be better, we all slip up sometimes. It just makes us human. It is best to apologise, stop digging that hole any deeper and step back for a bit - just as you have done.