Published on 12, July, 2020
I was never a social butterfly, I never wanted a massive social network. However, I knew that I would have been happy with a fairly tight network of people I could actually keep count of and invest in. I overcorrected and it all went wrong.
I got along with people at school/college etc but nothing that felt like a friendship I was fully invested in. I wouldn't really get to speak to them much outside of those environments.
It was all change when I was 22 and I started a job (working as a runner on a TV show). It was a tight-knit crew and very pally, and I felt more welcome there than I ever did anywhere else. The problem was that I didn't know the line between friendly acquaintances and friends. While I was lucky enough to meet up with three of them outside of that job, I strained other relationships (and even those relationships aren't what they were).
It's hard to really know if we naturally drifted apart or, unbeknownst to me, I pushed them away. I'm leaning towards the latter. I tended to be very intense, needy, and at this stage I didn't really know what I wanted.
When I was 23, I started using Twitter a lot more and engaging with the community there which worked for a while. Directly and indirectly I made connections I genuinely felt were strong. However, I still overloaded myself. Before long, I realised there were 30 people I considered 'friends' based on a very narrow definition.
I used to keep spreadsheets and stuff like that to keep track. I used to assort people based on closeness and how we met etc. I thankfully got rid of that eventually because it's embarrassing. I thought it would help me understand what I want better but it didn't, it stressed me out even more.
I was too mechanical with it all, instead of listening to what I personally felt more comfortable with, but I just couldn't identify that. Eventually I decided that all these categories were too much and I'd just keep it to 'friends' and 'acquaintances' but I wasn't being open enough to really navigate that in a healthy way.
I was desperate to meet people in person, do calls etc. I ended up putting pressure on people, chasing them and I put pressure on myself to hold friendships together. I would go out of my way to do nice things for people (because I wanted to) but I didn't always have the best intentions; there was a touch of 'I hope they'll return the favour' rather than just doing it because I wanted to.
I was embarrassed to speak up and say 'I need your help' because I thought I was being difficult. As a result, things just manifested. Unbeknownst to me I just kept ruining the goodwill I had built up from people by pushing too hard. I would have people who already liked me for who I was and I would still neglect them in favour of someone who was nice to me once and I idealise a friendship with them, even though there is not a natural connection there. There's a balance between that and developing something with someone where there clearly is something there that I didn't really strike.
I almost wonder if I just became self-destructive. I never really knew how to handle having friends and so I ended up completely ruining it. I didn't want to but it's almost like there's a part of me that didn't believe I deserved any of that. I had created a mess and I didn't have the maturity or self-control to clean it up.
It all came to an end a few months ago because I did something stupid but it has allowed me to really reflect.
Did I inflict this on myself? Perhaps I needed a bit more handholding, so to speak? Even the friendships that were actually really pleasant and easy, I inflicted more stress on myself instead of just letting things flow naturally, and I'll always give myself a hard time for it.
Call me a dullard, but I found life too short to allow myself to get so wound up over my lack of friendships. Through trial and tribulation I must have consciously created a mask or defense layer --- call it what you like --- as I have had lifelong practise with going my own way.
It is in the nature of women to bond in a much greater degree than with men. I had an uncle who I was told travelled the length and breadth of the USA by freight rail in box cars looking for work during the great depression. Ok, those were unusual times, but nevertheless any man worth his salt -- in my view, and despite his 'toxic masculinity' --- will support himself however necessary it is to achieve that with appropriate action. Yes, I recognise this is a contradictory comment to make on this type of forum with people like us with our many autistic limitations. I was brought up with a work ethic and the reality that whatever you want, you work hard for within your abilities to do so.
My point is this. I don't know if this was a past scheme of some sort or if it was the result of careless authority but our environmental fresh water supply is awash with estrogen as a result of birth control medication first introduced in 1961. This hormone can't be filtered out and keeps on accumulating. Is it any wonder that men have become more feminized and with a gamut of gender ID consequences now creeping into our educational system? some body let this happen.
Sorry, but I diverted from my opening paragraph and went off on a rant.