Published on 12, July, 2020
I was never a social butterfly, I never wanted a massive social network. However, I knew that I would have been happy with a fairly tight network of people I could actually keep count of and invest in. I overcorrected and it all went wrong.
I got along with people at school/college etc but nothing that felt like a friendship I was fully invested in. I wouldn't really get to speak to them much outside of those environments.
It was all change when I was 22 and I started a job (working as a runner on a TV show). It was a tight-knit crew and very pally, and I felt more welcome there than I ever did anywhere else. The problem was that I didn't know the line between friendly acquaintances and friends. While I was lucky enough to meet up with three of them outside of that job, I strained other relationships (and even those relationships aren't what they were).
It's hard to really know if we naturally drifted apart or, unbeknownst to me, I pushed them away. I'm leaning towards the latter. I tended to be very intense, needy, and at this stage I didn't really know what I wanted.
When I was 23, I started using Twitter a lot more and engaging with the community there which worked for a while. Directly and indirectly I made connections I genuinely felt were strong. However, I still overloaded myself. Before long, I realised there were 30 people I considered 'friends' based on a very narrow definition.
I used to keep spreadsheets and stuff like that to keep track. I used to assort people based on closeness and how we met etc. I thankfully got rid of that eventually because it's embarrassing. I thought it would help me understand what I want better but it didn't, it stressed me out even more.
I was too mechanical with it all, instead of listening to what I personally felt more comfortable with, but I just couldn't identify that. Eventually I decided that all these categories were too much and I'd just keep it to 'friends' and 'acquaintances' but I wasn't being open enough to really navigate that in a healthy way.
I was desperate to meet people in person, do calls etc. I ended up putting pressure on people, chasing them and I put pressure on myself to hold friendships together. I would go out of my way to do nice things for people (because I wanted to) but I didn't always have the best intentions; there was a touch of 'I hope they'll return the favour' rather than just doing it because I wanted to.
I was embarrassed to speak up and say 'I need your help' because I thought I was being difficult. As a result, things just manifested. Unbeknownst to me I just kept ruining the goodwill I had built up from people by pushing too hard. I would have people who already liked me for who I was and I would still neglect them in favour of someone who was nice to me once and I idealise a friendship with them, even though there is not a natural connection there. There's a balance between that and developing something with someone where there clearly is something there that I didn't really strike.
I almost wonder if I just became self-destructive. I never really knew how to handle having friends and so I ended up completely ruining it. I didn't want to but it's almost like there's a part of me that didn't believe I deserved any of that. I had created a mess and I didn't have the maturity or self-control to clean it up.
It all came to an end a few months ago because I did something stupid but it has allowed me to really reflect.
Did I inflict this on myself? Perhaps I needed a bit more handholding, so to speak? Even the friendships that were actually really pleasant and easy, I inflicted more stress on myself instead of just letting things flow naturally, and I'll always give myself a hard time for it.
There are a lot of comments in this thread that resonate with me.
As it stands I literally have 1 friend (from childhood) in another country. As I'm recovering from my relationship, I'm trying to learn more about the me inside, not the masking me, and obviously I've looked at my relationships in general over the years.
I've always been able to 'attract' friends/boyfriends (people tell me I'm pretty/attractive so I think this is the main draw, lol i doubt its the way i shut down verbally they think is cool), but sustaining the relationships and in a healthy way has never seemed to work for me.
Ive realised throughout school, my closest friends werent actually very nice to me and I tolerated their bullying just to fit in/feel normal. But also I was desperate to learn, imitate and practice my masking. I realised I had 'groups' of friends depending on interests/context but only actually felt comfortable either alone, or with the other so called "weirdos" - for which I was regularly chastised as to "why" I would actually want to hang around with these so called "weirdos" (ND more than likely I realise now). Even the so called weirdos would tell me not to be seen with them as it would draw unwanted attention to them so it strained our friendships - on quite a few occasions I built up the courage and felt bold enough to address my so called friends in defence of the "weirdos". But I then learnt that my punishment was to be given the cold shoulder from these groups of friends. Then I'm having almost secret friendships, which was insane. I should have chosen more wisely and stood up, I do regret this.
I also tried very hard to maintain the friendships, or so I thought, but it seems I never met peoples expectations or demands - either I'm too OTT or extremely lacking/neglectful, literally no balance is the feedback those who bothered, gave me. More often than not, when I try to address built up tensions (yes Im not assertive at the time and takes a while to 'work out' emotions, discussions, opinions etc), I've been often met with fury and then ghosted. It was the same through secondary, then sixth form and post school & @ work = same effect different group and no-ones interested in maintaining a friendship with me post 'confrontation' - I say confrontation as I honestly go in with problem solving mindset desperate to save the scraps of friendship, but am often met with fury, which confuses and stresses the hell out of me and never fails to blindside me.
Moving forward, I have recently come to a realisation that seems obvious to apparently everyone else, but not me - people are NOT machines and they are entitled to change their minds, deviate from the norm or be completely selfish. This has been a revelation to me because I never understood if someone told me a problem for example, they talk through the problem, come up with a solution and then go and take a very different course of action than what we discussed. For me this was absolutely mind blowing and indicated that person couldnt be trusted/have a moral compass - purely because they'd changed their mind or found a different solution. People are not machines, their emotions are not set in stone and thats what makes them human. Just because I think a certain way, doesnt mean the rest of the world has come to that so called logical conclusion and I myself am far from perfect, so its not actually logical is it?
However on the flip side, I then allowed people around me who used this to abuse me - told me that I have to accept these disparities and not question/disapprove because clearly according to them I "dont get it". In this case, the more failings, the more I began to overcompensate the completely wrong people - buying gifts, lending money etc
The other problem I have, is later in life I thought a healthy way to manage friendships especially, is to 'lay down the law' (I really enjoy reading law and the parameters they create in society), have very strict boundaries and then if those are crossed = lock them off/ghost them. I had neither the tolerance (too much to process) or understanding to query this way of setting boundaries and emotionally checked out so never felt guilt/protected myself. Now I begin to wonder which people were actually OK, but I was intolerant of because I thought my boundaries were reasonable/normal. Not having friends to share/discuss only impacts this further.
I would like to make more ND friends (as scary as that is, I cant combat loneliness locked away indoors staying in my comfort zone, this terrifies me btw), I was hoping that ND people would 'get me', but appreciate again, we're all humans and from HMO25's post, I can see that is naïve. But I still think Ive got a better shot in this 'realm'/community.
The comment about spreadsheets - wow, I immediately thought 'genius'...lol I have a thing for spreadsheets. But yes accept why this wasnt actually effective. So already have learnt from someone else without going through the process myself, which I imagine was very time consuming HMO25. So I am grateful for your thinking and post!
Im a work in progress and by taking this leap into this community, I hope to navigate this issue through other's learned/lived experiences and advice. If only there was a rigid framework for us all eh lol?! Sorry for the long ramblings, but it regularly stresses me out.
Bimmer Lady said:I also tried very hard to maintain the friendships, or so I thought, but it seems I never met peoples expectations or demands - either I'm too OTT or extremely lacking/neglectful, literally no balance is the feedback those who bothered, gave me. More often than not, when I try to address built up tensions (yes Im not assertive at the time and takes a while to 'work out' emotions, discussions, opinions etc), I've been often met with fury and then ghosted. It was the same through secondary, then sixth form and post school & @ work = same effect different group and no-ones interested in maintaining a friendship with me post 'confrontation' - I say confrontation as I honestly go in with problem solving mindset desperate to save the scraps of friendship, but am often met with fury, which confuses and stresses the hell out of me and never fails to blindside me.
I have often tried to assert myself in friendships, as a means of asking where we stand. I even clarify whether we're friends or acquaintances. Of course, what I didn't realise is that the fact I even have to ask suggests that something is up which I haven't really tackled.
Most responses were fine and clear, some people it rubbed up the wrong way but I thought I was clear with it. It was a misjudged thing and I kick myself but I don't think it was a great loss in those cases.
Bimmer Lady said:Moving forward, I have recently come to a realisation that seems obvious to apparently everyone else, but not me - people are NOT machines and they are entitled to change their minds, deviate from the norm or be completely selfish.
I have had a few people who felt differently about the friendship at some point down the line. I had no issue with that, but when I ask them if everything's okay (because I've had my suspicions) and then I find out that they've felt like it's not for them for a couple of months, I feel really guilty.
So many questions. Why, even in our capacity as friends at that time, did they not feel comfortable enough to speak to me? Did they think that I was going to blow up at them? Yes, it would have been difficult for me to hear but that's not their responsibility, especially if they've been really kind about it.
Bimmer Lady said:The other problem I have, is later in life I thought a healthy way to manage friendships especially, is to 'lay down the law' (I really enjoy reading law and the parameters they create in society), have very strict boundaries and then if those are crossed = lock them off/ghost them. I had neither the tolerance (too much to process) or understanding to query this way of setting boundaries and emotionally checked out so never felt guilt/protected myself. Now I begin to wonder which people were actually OK, but I was intolerant of because I thought my boundaries were reasonable/normal. Not having friends to share/discuss only impacts this further.
I regret not setting clear boundaries at the beginning, but I go back to how mechanical I used to be. Like if I didn't hear from someone for a while, I decided to cut them off. In this case, that's removing them from my Instagram followers list. I did that with many people.
I regretted it down the line because all that did was made me more conscious about my follow count.
I also wonder how many good connections I ruined because of that. It would have been better to talk to them but I just didn't know how. What to say, how to say it etc.
Bimmer Lady said:I would like to make more ND friends (as scary as that is, I cant combat loneliness locked away indoors staying in my comfort zone, this terrifies me btw), I was hoping that ND people would 'get me', but appreciate again, we're all humans and from HMO25's post, I can see that is naïve. But I still think Ive got a better shot in this 'realm'/community.
In many respects they may well still get you but every ND person is different which is something I would often forget. I also tended to go by the assumption that a neurotypical just wouldn't get me either.
It's about communication and if both parties are willing to do it, then you'll surely be okay.
Bimmer Lady said:The comment about spreadsheets - wow, I immediately thought 'genius'...lol I have a thing for spreadsheets. But yes accept why this wasnt actually effective. So already have learnt from someone else without going through the process myself, which I imagine was very time consuming HMO25. So I am grateful for your thinking and post!
I thought it was smart at the time, but it just added (and put a spotlight on) my anxiety rather than help it.
Managing it wasn't very time consuming, but looking at it every day, making changes based on tiny things that happened between me and that person - it quickly spiralled into something unhealthy.
There's definitely alternatives.