Published on 12, July, 2020
I was never a social butterfly, I never wanted a massive social network. However, I knew that I would have been happy with a fairly tight network of people I could actually keep count of and invest in. I overcorrected and it all went wrong.
I got along with people at school/college etc but nothing that felt like a friendship I was fully invested in. I wouldn't really get to speak to them much outside of those environments.
It was all change when I was 22 and I started a job (working as a runner on a TV show). It was a tight-knit crew and very pally, and I felt more welcome there than I ever did anywhere else. The problem was that I didn't know the line between friendly acquaintances and friends. While I was lucky enough to meet up with three of them outside of that job, I strained other relationships (and even those relationships aren't what they were).
It's hard to really know if we naturally drifted apart or, unbeknownst to me, I pushed them away. I'm leaning towards the latter. I tended to be very intense, needy, and at this stage I didn't really know what I wanted.
When I was 23, I started using Twitter a lot more and engaging with the community there which worked for a while. Directly and indirectly I made connections I genuinely felt were strong. However, I still overloaded myself. Before long, I realised there were 30 people I considered 'friends' based on a very narrow definition.
I used to keep spreadsheets and stuff like that to keep track. I used to assort people based on closeness and how we met etc. I thankfully got rid of that eventually because it's embarrassing. I thought it would help me understand what I want better but it didn't, it stressed me out even more.
I was too mechanical with it all, instead of listening to what I personally felt more comfortable with, but I just couldn't identify that. Eventually I decided that all these categories were too much and I'd just keep it to 'friends' and 'acquaintances' but I wasn't being open enough to really navigate that in a healthy way.
I was desperate to meet people in person, do calls etc. I ended up putting pressure on people, chasing them and I put pressure on myself to hold friendships together. I would go out of my way to do nice things for people (because I wanted to) but I didn't always have the best intentions; there was a touch of 'I hope they'll return the favour' rather than just doing it because I wanted to.
I was embarrassed to speak up and say 'I need your help' because I thought I was being difficult. As a result, things just manifested. Unbeknownst to me I just kept ruining the goodwill I had built up from people by pushing too hard. I would have people who already liked me for who I was and I would still neglect them in favour of someone who was nice to me once and I idealise a friendship with them, even though there is not a natural connection there. There's a balance between that and developing something with someone where there clearly is something there that I didn't really strike.
I almost wonder if I just became self-destructive. I never really knew how to handle having friends and so I ended up completely ruining it. I didn't want to but it's almost like there's a part of me that didn't believe I deserved any of that. I had created a mess and I didn't have the maturity or self-control to clean it up.
It all came to an end a few months ago because I did something stupid but it has allowed me to really reflect.
Did I inflict this on myself? Perhaps I needed a bit more handholding, so to speak? Even the friendships that were actually really pleasant and easy, I inflicted more stress on myself instead of just letting things flow naturally, and I'll always give myself a hard time for it.
You describe me. I never seemed to gel in a group, always on the outside looking in. I was never able to "read" people and react with an appropriate behaviour.
Weirdly enough I find that there is a rule to group-socialising and another for one-to-ones, I have found that I can be ‘me’ to someone and be fine with them, but together with a group I don’t find that I get on the same with that person, even though I haven’t changed my tune at all.
I get subordinated to the back of the line in a group, as such I choose only to interact one-on-one, if the prospect of friend-of-friend gatherings come into it, I back out all together..
DeSpereaux said:I find that there is a rule to group-socialising and another for one-to-ones,
Same here - part of it here is knowing when to have my say.
I tend to end up interrupting or talking about something that people have just moved on from so I come across as rude or slow.
I also can take time to process what is being talked about, what peoples expressions and body language are saying, filtering this through my knowledge of what it signifies and inevitably find myself constantly playing catch up and feeling tired over the mental effort required.
On the bright side if someone asks my opinion on something I tend to have though enough about it to give a meaningful response, but they I think I get seen as being overly academic and snobby.
If they only realised how difficult it can be to do stuff they take for granted and seem to enjoy.
I have a friend who told me that I seemed like know-it-all in conversation when he was greeting used to me, which he told me years later, but he also told me that he realised over time that it was just the way I talked and that I was cool, I’m inclined to believe him on that because I find him to be honest to a fault..