Published on 12, July, 2020
It doesn't matter if it's help with something personal or it's a little thing. I feel like I'm being difficult and the other person is inevitably going to blow up at me.
I know where it comes from. I know people generally don't like me and that I exhaust and irritate people just by existing. I also know that people don't always tell me if I've done something to hurt them or make them uncomfortable until it's too late.
Even at school, I would rarely ask for help. I know there were support systems there for me but I just didn't access them. I was too embarrassed.
I had friends who liked me and supported me, and I always downplayed things. Even though I know it would have been fine, I just couldn't be open with them about the support I needed.
Before anyone asks, I know I wouldn't react that way if someone else came to me. If I can help I would, if I can't I'd say so. The last few months have perhaps intensified the extent to which I give myself a hard time.
to be fair i find it embarrassing to say anything to anyone... ask for help, say thanks, say good morning when a stranger says it to you. it all feels cringe to me.even if i needed to go to my boss in his office and ask for a holiday form, it feels like i need mental build up to do it. i dont like talking to people i guess. or saying stuff. id have to really normalise with a person first. and im not normalised with my boss yet after 2 years with him lol when i am comfortable with a person i have nothing to say anyway or cant think of anything so its still silent.whats good though is written word, text. it gets rid of embarrassment.... so in that matter, instead of asking for help perhaps writing for help would get around the embarrassment? but then its embarrassing when whoever read your written request comes to you and then asks you about it forcing a conversation.
Writing is easier if there is the option. I really need to be comfortable with the person.