Published on 12, July, 2020
It doesn't matter if it's help with something personal or it's a little thing. I feel like I'm being difficult and the other person is inevitably going to blow up at me.
I know where it comes from. I know people generally don't like me and that I exhaust and irritate people just by existing. I also know that people don't always tell me if I've done something to hurt them or make them uncomfortable until it's too late.
Even at school, I would rarely ask for help. I know there were support systems there for me but I just didn't access them. I was too embarrassed.
I had friends who liked me and supported me, and I always downplayed things. Even though I know it would have been fine, I just couldn't be open with them about the support I needed.
Before anyone asks, I know I wouldn't react that way if someone else came to me. If I can help I would, if I can't I'd say so. The last few months have perhaps intensified the extent to which I give myself a hard time.
Yes I get this totally. I have a massive complex about not being able to do things 100% myself and being a failure. I think it stems from my childhood where I didn't understand lots of things, particually verbal instructions. I just tried to blend in and not draw attention to myself because of bullying. I would rather keep my head down, not understand things and hope to get away with it. In adult life I feel a failure if at work I ask for help, it doens't help that i oftern find it difficult to articulate what I need.
Yeah, knowing the support I need and putting it into words is just about the hardest thing to do in the moment. I'm probably a bit better at identifying it now but even saying it is just something I don't allow to happen.
I set out to be the agreeable child who is quiet and always follows the rules when I was 5. Unfortunately that attitude doesn't work as an adult.