Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m a partner of a 49 year old male who was diagnosed a couple of years ago. He’s highly fuctional but I’m wondering if anyone else experiences the same thing. May partner seems to want a discussion on everything for ages. For example, the latest one is, our daughter who is 10 no longer wants to go back to Cubs after the summer break. I see that has a normal thing as kids grow, they change interests with different things. However, my partner has to analysis what reasons. My partner is fixed on commitment- all or nothing! I get so frustrated. I know it’s how he sees things but if I want to change my mind, even the little things he gets upset and we end up arguing. I’m dyslexic so I want to describe things well to get my point over but I struggle find the right language. Basically he likes to challenge decisions based on commitment. The thing is it how he need to unpick everything even when me and our daughter don’t see it as a big deal. We just spent a hour talking about her quitting cubs and part of that was her other hobbies.
Autistic people are renowned for our tendency towards all or nothing thinking.
There is some element of truth but I think it is also partly down to the double empathy problem. You don't say if your daughter is also autistic or not. Assuming not your partner may find it hard to understand her way of thinking.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy
One way to approach it is to make it clear that your daughter is a human being in her own right, with her own preferences. It is important for her to forge her own path. He may not understand the reasons for her decision but ultimately it is her decision. Perhaps try and ask how he would have felt if at 10 years of age he had been forced to continue with an activity he was not interested in.