How do YOU deal with being accused?

I admire your resolution..

It's simple, I don't get accused of things because I don't do bad things or pi*s people off! Just be nice and stay on the right side of people and they will leave you in peace. It's a win/win solution! 

Okay one of the recurring themes I’m seeing here is people talking about trying to avoid the situations in the first place often by being very selective about the company they keep and where they go.

but what if that isn’t an option? what if that option was taken away from you and you were forced to socialise with people who may not be considerate or understanding in the first instance? For example in work, or if it’s a straight choice between near total social isolation and being around people some of whom might not be accommodating of your autistic differences?

One way that people can avoid situations is to simply never say anything, never do anything, to try as hard as possible to be invisible. But even if you’re physically present in a social group if you’re invisible you’re not really part of it. And unless you happen to have a group of available friends who you can really connect with and who are all fairly understanding then avoiding accusations while having a social life isn’t really an option.

so I’m going to reiterate the question, when you are accused how do you respond? what works for you in terms of making sure you don’t get kicked out of places or otherwise excommunicated after someone’s decided to vilify you because of your autism or something that happened because of your autism?

I tend to let others dig themselves into their hole, I don’t explained nor do I apologise, when I cannot see a reason for placating an accuser..

"My telepathy skills are wanting. You'll have to be more direct." 

"Don't put me in a Double-Bind" (a type of trap, where other would like to force you to choose 1 of 2 evils, the devil and the sea and all that)

While these 2 phrases have come in useful, I've taken practical steps to secure necessary precautions so I don't end up in situations with people who don't know me. This is from a great deal of trial and error and severe failure over the years, and so I set these precautions in place long before I knew anything about Autism.

The first is to evaluate who is safe and who is not. Remind myself it's OK to remove myself from individuals who are toxic (...to me - this doesn't mean they're inherently bad, but would be a liability to my livelihood and create more health problems than I would care to manage). For all of you here, you can imagine how difficult it is to sever any bond. This was emotionally hard and eventually I found a few days to a week tops with Xanax helpful when I needed to do this. After a week, I discovered it's psychologically easier. 

This was a learning curve with ADHD friends before I knew what ADHD was. One in particular who's not always reliable and I occasionally work with. But heart of gold and doesn't appear to, but always listens. He's one of my closest friend to this day. But lives far away.

Most people are not trust worthy, but also, trust is a MASSIVE responsibility. I was taught about this all wrong when growing up. I learned in my 30's to implement rules / techniques on how to afford someone room to earn my trust and also prove myself trust worthy in return. Psychological trust is no less an investment than a financial trust. Tuppence are fine for someone you don't know. 

I also learned to find these metaphysical systems within principles (friendship, marriage, dignity, respectfulness, and so on). Once I learned to adhere to this 'higher' system, I actually began to feel internally grounded. And then I began to expect the same in others before I would allow myself to be any degrees of vulnerable around them. 

One of the best things I've learned in the last 10 years is that most NT's will engage with one another through this role playing of a psychoanalytical "guilt-debt" relating-with. This is what Freud based Neurosis on, this daily ritual of an exchange, and it's everywhere. It's part of what makes society 'civilised' to some degree. It's specifically what creates NT PDA (Such as ghosting) and it's the underpinning of why Autistics will be accused of a 'lack of empathy'. 

This became a valuable realisation because I don't feel or sense doing things out of a guilt or indebtedness, so I had to find the flip side to this coin, in other words, how can I operate in a way that is more genuine because it's OK to do my part? My only guess here was to make an active effort to create a little gratitude, which then provided an essence of humility, which allows doubt to be a friend rather than foe. It's seemed to work in my favour more often than not. 

It’s in the way I understand it. It must be frustrating wanting to be a professional athlete and training hard and then seeing someone come along and lap you easily without doing any training at all and then to say they’ve no interest in joining the team or competing.

some people treat looking attractive like a sport.

You'll find more of it here than other places. I'm fortunate that my female friends are not typical girls by any means although I'm probably at the top of the pile of "atypical". 

Edit: first sentence refers to "honesty".

More judgment by appearances.. it's crazy.

Fellow Neanderthal at 6' and 17 stone with a face like bigfoot, I am often viewed as threatening. I'm really a big pussycat ---no that's not what I identify as!  I recently walked into a local mental wellbeing shop front to have a chat.  I was invited into a private room, After our chat this young lady curiously said " If you are not a threat to me you are always welcome here"--- Huh???? 

Women can be the worst- they just randomly hate me. It doesn't seem to matter that they know nothing about me! 

I'm so pleased to find that it's ok to be honest about this here.. 

Unknown said:

From what I can gather, people with bodies and faces that other people find very "beautiful" are cursed with precisely what you describe above as your experience.

And as you say, it's impossible to tell anyone that you hate it, because of the negative response. It's like talent and intelligence to an extent- they're meant to be 'gifts' - so you're supposed to be thankful and humble that you have them, especially as a woman. 

My 'beauty' has never been good, I've been abused for it in every way since I was a child. Often that was reckoned my own fault. Certainly not a blessing. And nobody sees you either, not the real you... 

Appearances don't interest me, only what's real, true and honest. 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Number, I appreciate it

You don't need to solve it. Stick to your guns girl.

I can't tell you the amount of times its been suggested by other women I should dress differently. 

It is defo ok to share here.  I know (very well) a very symmetrical woman who also has the "westernised body perfection."  She HATES being that way.....but if she mentions that to anyone NT....it often makes them angry and hateful towards her - normally in a very passive aggressive fashion.  Moreover, she deliberately tries to "dress down" in a grungy fashion........and that makes people hate her even more for "not making the most of it" ?!

From what I can gather, people with bodies and faces that other people find very "beautiful" are cursed with precisely what you describe above as your experience.

I have the opposite effect on people......I'm not a minger (forgive my boomer language if that is no longer acceptable language - I can't keep up)......but I do apparently look like a neantherall brute.  Generally, that suits me nicely.....but when I do want to engage with people intellectually....they seem unable to align the fact that scary looking people can also have gentle brains.

I suppose it;s hardly surprising..........EVERYTHING these days seems to be all about aesthetics.....and newness.....and presentation.

Personally, I'm all about substance........and from what I can see of our fellows here......I'm not alone.

I tend to try to placate people, I'm not sure really what else to do. I'm not good with people, generally speaking, I have no interest in superficial interactions, which seems to be what people enjoy. I don't get them and they don't get me. 

I am doubly damned by looking nice, people like that. All I ever heard when I was a child was 'Isn't she pretty!' from adults around me, as if I wasn't actually present myself. And now I'm beautiful, apparently. Whatever that means. I couldn't care less, it's not in my value system and means nothing to me. Appearances have never been a factor for me and I just don't get why it even matters. 

Unfortunately, it does matter to almost everyone else. They make all sorts of assumptions about me - I'm kind, generous, fun, etc.-  and then, when it turns out that I don't fit their expectations they despise me. It's almost like I've betrayed them in some way, by not actually being what they imagine. 

And by doing that, inadvertently, I then become dishonest and wrong to them, like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. Usually that's when the persecution starts and I am blamed for everything, even though it's rarely my doing. 

I'm not really trying to elicit sympathy by saying this, but maybe it's ok to share here... 

I don't know how to solve it, there doesn't seem to be an answer  

Interesting one Peter.

I haven't really invested thought or effort into how I deal with being "accused."  I have invested A VERY GREAT DEAL of effort into positioning myself so that I am not "accused."  This does slow me down a little, but also avoids the agg.  I don't enjoy agg.

In my earlier years, my mitigations were short and sweet ie "so if you are sure....." and "well, if you think you can cope with it....."

These days, my mitigations involve being VERY VERY precise about the parameters within which I am expected (and wanted to) behave.  Naturally, I still make my own assessments of what I can and cannot "safely" do or say within a given set of circumstances, but I am also fastidious in ensuring that whomever is my potential accusser, has given express clarity about where they wish the bounds of our interactions to be.  People find this odd.  I can readily cope with people finding me odd - so all is well !

Naturally, there are circumstances where I might become embroiled in accusations or aggravations that I (nor anyone else) could avoid.  Generally, I seem able to defuse these in the moment.....but if I cannot.....my physical presence + my "Number in psycho / chaos mode" mask (which I seem to be able to wear VERY convincingly) seems to grant me a get-out-of-jail-free card.  People tend to wish to leave me when I wish them to leave me......if I consider that the best and safest option.

A very peace loving,

Number.

I gave it about 2 days before I made an apology statement and even then it was like "no that's not good enough" and "you're only sorry cos you got caught". I haven't said anything publicly since (4 months on) because I've effectively been shut out from society.

I think a lot of those people wouldn't have been happy until I was dead in the ground. At least in their eyes it means I'm unlikely to hurt anyone again.

I was never someone able to stand up for myself, so I was always going to succumb to it all. It's little wonder for the past few months I've been like "oh I am a monster, I am a piece of s**t, I am a waste of space" because I think that's what people want me to think.

It is hurtful to be called all sorts of things when I never went out of my way to cause any of that, but no one wanted to hear it. Only now do I even feel comfortable talking about the specifics with my therapist cos I just didn't have the words then, but even if I explained myself it would never have been enough.

That said, maybe there was no choice on their part. When 99% of people are sticking the knife in, the one person who is vaguely defensive ("you screwed up but you know now, and you're trying to make amends") will get abused and piled on, and I don't want that for them either.

Actually I think leaving addressing the issue too long can sometimes be a big mistake. Again those who just want an excuse to vilify you and drive your exclusion Are not going to wait to address the issue.

i’m just saying it’s better not to lead with an apology lead with a justification if you have one because the people who are going to cheerlead for your downfall are not going to be placated by an apology.

especially if your excuse is autism. That autism made you misjudge the situation, or caused others to misjudge you, don’t hide that fact away in the details of your statement, lead with it, hammer at home, don’t act like you’re ashamed of it or you’re sorry to be offering an excuse.

As you know from my own experience a few months ago, I tend to just do the expected thing - make an apology and retreat. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have been so quick to make a statement as no one was wanting to hear it.