Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm sorry if my question does not belong here. I am not officially diagnosed but have suspected autism. Every time I start a new job, I am fine for a few months, then I go into a spiral of thinking I'm not liked or not wanted there... especially if I interact with these people a lot everyday. I can never read peoples intensions with me. Of course it could be related to my psychosis diagnosis, but I don't feel its paranoia. I realise that I could be wrong in my thinking and I know I am overthinking it, but I cannot stop it. I don't feel people are plotting against me, I just don't feel very liked or wanted. And I end up feeling like I don't fit in.
I've never been very popular. It's highly like that I'm the most unpopular person ever in the 459 year history of the public school I went to.
I believe popularity is simply a passing whim with people who enter and exit your life and should not justify all the efforts to gain it. Apart from a narcissistic desire I can't understand why popularity is held in such a high regard. Perhaps this is a rationalisation I have created for myself. I detest pushy influencers and view such people with great suspicion---what is their ulterior motive? I question altruistic behaviour in the same way. This may be part of my rationalisations. For me as an ex-pat New Yorker justification is needed in my mind before I can accept someone as authentic. To my experience authentic people are a rarity.---such is life, (or perhaps it's just my distortion of it ??).