Published on 12, July, 2020
One year ago, I thought that "self improvement" was going to be a natural by-product of finally knowing how and why I "see" and "do" and "think" differently to most other people. Autism.
The relief of finding the explanation for my crafted life and inner thoughts - was overwhelmingly wonderful - especially in the early weeks. It still makes me smile to think of that feeling now.
I thought that, knowing the reason WHY I can be so dysfunctional, suboptimal and darn right frigging useless......would allow me to "hack myself" to improvement.
I thought that, knowing the reason WHY I can be unusually competent and impressive in some respects ... would allow me to "hack myself" to the zenith of my capabilities.
I rationalise and utilise knowledge and information every day to good effect.......so I presumed my self-knowledge would be profoundly powerful....allow me to 'get' or 'engineer' the right help.
I couple of important aspects of my life are much better now......but the majority of my nonsense.....remains nonsense.
I consider myself a lucky survivor, who has earned a magic key of understanding…I'm worried that I'm not using that key to best effect at the moment.
Often on these pages, people say "don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself time, relax, its not your fault etc"........but should we all also be saying, just as often, "keep striving to be better, improve yourself and the lives of those around you, keep challenging yourself etc" ?
I'm feeling some frustration - with myself - I want the next 12 months of my journey to be AT LEAST as constructive as the 12 months since that blinding flash of realisation.
Thoughts anyone?
Replyin to the original post: I've had a poorer experience.
I thought the same would happen to me, but in fact it's just killed my motivation to win, and the knowledge of my condition just seems to remove any faith anyone else I know, that I'll ever do anything useful again.
Doubly so, coming here and mixing with my "peer group".
Triply so, as I read more books on Autism and come to understand better my position in the world.
I'm pretty much marking time, pottering about, until I die now.
Holy carp man !!! WTAF ?
Stop wallowing !
I know you better than you attempt to present yourself here - you are having a bad day mate. You'll be back on fire soon enough......raising your autistic army, ready for the revolution?
Chin up dude !
It's all a matter of perspective.
I have many to choose from, but they are all viewing the same reality.
Groovy......you're back.
NO. I'm pretty sure that's my baseline reality, and all the stuff I do, the dope I smoke, the hard to fid knowledge that I store up, is just me distracting myself from that reality, because I find it hard to accept, and wish to change it.
I don't find it healthy to focus on those aspects of my reality for very long, but they are there.
No matter how hard one runs, you cannot escape who you are.
I've given myself a day to acquire a happier attitude and indeed, today I have enjoyed some success with a job I was expecting to be horrible & difficult proving far less trouble than expected. I'm in a better rmood than yesterday, because there is an excellent chance I will be a lot warmer in here this winter when we finish installing the new ceiling and insulation, which having resolved the difficult bit, should proceed quickly next week..
Might as well be comfortably warm as I potter about ineffectively, and inefficiently in here.
I too, as you know, have many (perspectives) to choose from.
I ensure I don't wallow in any of them for too long, because to do so, either gives me a false sense of capability or a false sense of incapability.......but then you know that too. Like I say, I'm confident that you are just having a bad day.