Published on 12, July, 2020
One year ago, I thought that "self improvement" was going to be a natural by-product of finally knowing how and why I "see" and "do" and "think" differently to most other people. Autism.
The relief of finding the explanation for my crafted life and inner thoughts - was overwhelmingly wonderful - especially in the early weeks. It still makes me smile to think of that feeling now.
I thought that, knowing the reason WHY I can be so dysfunctional, suboptimal and darn right frigging useless......would allow me to "hack myself" to improvement.
I thought that, knowing the reason WHY I can be unusually competent and impressive in some respects ... would allow me to "hack myself" to the zenith of my capabilities.
I rationalise and utilise knowledge and information every day to good effect.......so I presumed my self-knowledge would be profoundly powerful....allow me to 'get' or 'engineer' the right help.
I couple of important aspects of my life are much better now......but the majority of my nonsense.....remains nonsense.
I consider myself a lucky survivor, who has earned a magic key of understanding…I'm worried that I'm not using that key to best effect at the moment.
Often on these pages, people say "don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself time, relax, its not your fault etc"........but should we all also be saying, just as often, "keep striving to be better, improve yourself and the lives of those around you, keep challenging yourself etc" ?
I'm feeling some frustration - with myself - I want the next 12 months of my journey to be AT LEAST as constructive as the 12 months since that blinding flash of realisation.
Thoughts anyone?
You may have hit one of the dips on the post diagnostic/realisation emotional rollercoaster.
In the beginning it can be quite euphoric, the relief that there is a reason for everything you have struggled with in your life so far.
Once the initial elation has worn off it becomes more apparent that nothing really has changed, you still have the same struggles as before, you still have the same lack of support as before.
Any changes have to come from you and as all autists know change can be terrifying
As Homebird says you can avoid some of the things you find difficult or don't enjoy, without feeling like that is the wrong thing to do. Conversely it also empowers you to seek out and enjoy what matters to you, without feeling guilty about it.