Published on 12, July, 2020
I hate having ASD. I’ve found no positives with it at all. No matter how hard I try to move forward it feels like ASD, me, knocks me back several steps when I try to go forward by one. Nobody likes me. I’ve tried being myself. I’ve tried masking, I’m not good at masking and I guess that must show. I make people uncomfortable. Half the time it feels like my family don’t like me much, I try to be a nice person, kind, supportive. And yet here I am at 27 single, no friends and just here existing on the journey of life. I tried working, again. Disaster, again. I always start off OK but eventually it’s like everything catches up with me, I get tired, and I mean very tired. Fatigue like nothing I’ve had before. Muscles hurt. Nausea, dizziness, mouth ulcers... WTF? I go to the GP, tests are ran... I’m fine. Seriously right now?? How am I fine lol I feel like sh*t 98% of the time. Guess it’s just an ASD thing. I get pretty bad anxiety so that’s probably it as well, so my GP says anyway, OK fair enough but like they can’t offer any advice on how best to tackle it. It’s a lonely world having ASD. I’m 27 and this is my LIFE, possibly for another year, maybe 50+ more years... right now it’s OK, I have my parents, my sister and brothers but one day they won’t be here anymore and then it’s me. What then? I can’t work, OK I can, but until my body ceases up and that’s bad, very bad it costs me every job I’ve had so far... when I was 13 I dreamt by now I would be working, have kids, be married, be driving... I’ve not got any of that. I’ve never come close to any of it, people hate me and I mean HATE. Even my brothers and sister don’t like me. My parents do, I’m lucky from that side of things but everyone else really dislikes me. My sister said I sponge off our parents, not true, I’m trying to work I have given it my all but my sister accuses me of faking illness so I stay home... not true... I am trying my hardest to overcome the ASD hurdles but not had any success so far. Guess I feel a little lost now, that’s why I thought I would join this site see if anyone can help me overcome all this because right now I have no idea what to do to get over this.
Your sister needs to wind her neck in several-degrees, thats utterly-sick to use the word ‘sponge’ whilst referring to her brother, she has no right or standing in a matter like that.
Life never does play out the way to aim it to, the same is more-true for autists in a neurotypical-world, and more-terrible owing to our insistence on sameness. But that doesn’t mean that your way of doing things and living your life is wrong, it is just different to a clinically-recognised degree, so we require more-support and more-exposure to proceduralise an agreeable daily-life.
Reasonable-adjustments are a difficult one for autism, because we are socially-impaired individuals, fighting for social reasonable-adjustment to opposers. So I think that maybe it’d be useful to research and apply for PIP. It’s not easy to climb off the safety-behaviours you will have made in the neurotypical-world, so try to consider and apply yourself to each question, learn not to hesitate because the opposers wont be nudging you on. The awards of social-resourcing have a habit of speaking for themselves.
Ultimately if your family is happy to consider you odd and unrewarding while you are in a slump, they let them and cut them out, you have your parents and you dont have time to waste on ignorant-opposition.
Thanks for your understanding. I'm not knowledgeable on ASD like you all are but I know it's something that's difficult to live with because it's so debilitating in certain ways. None of my siblings understand this. I'm lucky to have a psychologist who does though and I feel supported by her.
I'm trying to find new ways to cope with my ASD challenges, I've been suggested useful books by another member and I'm grateful for that. Thank you as well. I've overwhelmed by the support I've got here already it's more than I deserve thank you.