Failed at working... again!

Sparkles said:

I get tired, and I mean very tired. Fatigue like nothing I’ve had before.

That statement resonated with me. In the past I use to stand at my workbench shattered with tiredness. My GP asked "how do you sleep" OK, I responded as far as I was aware. My wife is a light sleeper and I was awakening her very frequently in my own --- what I thought---normal sleep pattern. I would frequently stop breathing in my sleep ending in and explosive gasping for air. My GP said I have a condition of obstructive sleep apnea, and refered me to a sleep study centre 40 years ago. I have since slept well. You report several other issues but is this a possible contributing issue for you?

Firstly don't listen to your sister she knows nothing about autism and it's her problem if she mistakingly believes that about you.. Your parents don't so listen to them and all of us here. You're not a sponge, you have autism and it sounds like despite your difficulties you're achieving so much. 10/10 for even attempting work, it isn't the easiest thing to do when you're on the spectrum so well done you.

It sounds like you could have burnout or some kind of fatigue syndrome. It could just be anxiety though, that can cause pretty radical fatigue sometimes so best to check with your GP or maybe even ask the people who assessed and diagnosed you.

Hang in there and pop in to this community when you need to. It's a really supportive and helpful environment for autistic people of all ages.

It IS what you deserve because people don’t deserve to feel-like sinners for being different. I think that a big-step for you is to consider that it is entirely-wrong for others to usurp the moral high-ground from you.

You will feel better once you secure the resources you need to stabilise yourself, and once you stand-tall in the face of shallow-jibes, once they see you succeeding and their cheap-victories turn to ash in their mouths. You will also see that they quickly go from disgusted to jealous, the unhealthy attitude is not yours, and you deserve all the reassurance you need to find stability. 

As you may have surmised, I am no stranger to being treated with coldness or exploitation by the ignorant or the malicious, you deserve to enjoy your life and to be accountable for only the appropriate-level of regret..

Thanks for your understanding. I'm not knowledgeable on ASD like you all are but I know it's something that's difficult to live with because it's so debilitating in certain ways. None of my siblings understand this. I'm lucky to have a psychologist who does though and I feel supported by her.

I'm trying to find new ways to cope with my ASD challenges, I've been suggested useful books by another member and I'm grateful for that. Thank you as well. I've overwhelmed by the support I've got here already it's more than I deserve thank you.

I have a psychologist who helps me and she is really good. I've been a lot worse than this and I feel like I'm starting to come out the other side now. I take baby steps at my own speed and hope that it will take me to better.

Thank you that's so helpful. I've heard of burnout before but I wasn't sure if I had it or not. It feels like it sometimes.

Your sister needs to wind her neck in several-degrees, thats utterly-sick to use the word ‘sponge’ whilst referring to her brother, she has no right or standing in a matter like that.

Life never does play out the way to aim it to, the same is more-true for autists in a neurotypical-world, and more-terrible owing to our insistence on sameness. But that doesn’t mean that your way of doing things and living your life is wrong, it is just different to a clinically-recognised degree, so we require more-support and more-exposure to proceduralise an agreeable daily-life.

Reasonable-adjustments are a difficult one for autism, because we are socially-impaired individuals, fighting for social reasonable-adjustment to opposers. So I think that maybe it’d be useful to research and apply for PIP. It’s not easy to climb off the safety-behaviours you will have made in the neurotypical-world, so try to consider and apply yourself to each question, learn not to hesitate because the opposers wont be nudging you on. The awards of social-resourcing have a habit of speaking for themselves.

Ultimately if your family is happy to consider you odd and unrewarding while you are in a slump, they let them and cut them out, you have your parents and you dont have time to waste on ignorant-opposition.

Iain said:

I get most of my books from Library Genesis (free access if you are a researcher) who fortunately don't need you to sign up or pay

I did wonder how you had access to so many books. I'm amazed you find the time to be on here with all the reading you do 

I wonder if maybe you have some sort of fatigue syndrome or maybe a lack of a particular vitamin/mineral. It could be worth asking your GP about that? 

Maybe you should also consider seeing someone about your mental health because it looks like you're in a bit of a bad place atm. 

I realised I had not included anything to help with the burnout - try the following:

Burnout Survival Kit - Imogen Dall (2020)

ISBN 9781526635679

I note that this is aimed mostly at neurotypicals but most of the principles are quite transferrable to us.

I get most of my books from Library Genesis (free access if you are a researcher) who fortunately don't need you to sign up or pay, but if you find the books help then please go ahead and buy through the usual suppliers.

Thank you lain. That's good advice and I appreciate your understanding of my situation. I'll get there, I know I will it just feels a bit of a low weak moment today. Things will be a lot better soon I know it. It's just fighting through the storm to get to the nicer things beyond. Thanks for the book recommendation as well. I will try and get that when I can.

Sparkles said:

Nobody likes me. I’ve tried being myself. I’ve tried masking, I’m not good at masking and I guess that must show. I make people uncomfortable

While it is nice to be authentic, if this makes people uncomfortable then you have 2 choices:

1 - stop being around people who are not decent enough to accept your authentic self (not easy at work).

2 - learn to mask better by working out what it is you do that makes them uncomfortable and adapting your behaviour (ie masking better, not harder).

Sparkles said:

I get tired, and I mean very tired. Fatigue like nothing I’ve had before.

This is autistic burnout from the sounds of it. You need to learn ways to recharge and minimise the things that cause it.

If you can conquer these 2 issues then the rest of your life has more chance of appearing to be normal although you are always going to need to have ways to keep your mental energy levels replenished.

To help with the social interaction and masking I recommend reading and following the advice in this book:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)
ISBN 9781941765388

To learn to manage your anxiety as best you can, the following book has great advice:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

We all get lost from time to time but if you learn to control your weaknesses and work ways of coping into your lifestyle instead of trying to be like others then you have a much better chance of being able to function and "fit in" more - assuming these are things that you really want to spend your energy on.

There is no point hating ASD any more than hating having a big nose, ginger hair or being short - it is just a part of you and you can make the most of it and work around the limitations if you learn to apply yourself better.

Of course I'm not the one going on this journey so it is easy for me to say

Good luck with whatever you chose to do.