Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I apologise in advance because this will probably turn into a long ramble.. I guess what i'm hoping for is some support, guidance, maybe from people in similar situations who can relate and help me.
Me and my husband have been together for over a decade. He has always been known as the "grumpy one" or the "angry one", and for years I assumed he had anger management problems. It wasn't until a few years ago the penny dropped. I believe he has undiagnosed autism. And his angry outbursts are actually meltdowns. I feel really stupid because the more i look into autism the more boxes he ticks. I feel ashamed I didn't notice this sooner, but also neither did any of his teachers, friends, even his family!
He does have diagnosed dyslexia and dyspraxia. He really struggles with all forms of communication. He hates social situations, people make him angry and scared and he'd rather just avoid them all together.
He has massive sensory overload, for example someone was mowing their lawn today when he was trying to work and he absolutely flipped out to the point he went marching out the house to find them (don't think he would have approached them, but it wouldn't be uncommon for him to swear at strangers - overacting to a situation). Or when he hears kids playing, laughing, screaming in their garden, at a swimming pool or something, he'll get really angry and leave the area moaning about how they should be quieter and how it's bad parenting in public.
He is ridiculously clumsy, always coming home with cuts on his head, heads, arms etc where he's bumped into something or done "something stupid" he'd say. His observational skills are limited to the point i say he has "tunnel vision", and can make him a scary/terrible driver. If he is on his phone, he won't hear me talking to him, or if he is doing a task, he won't be able to focus or multitask on anything else.
He has adverse reactions to certain materials and foods.
He always says "how do people do this...i just dont get it?" meaning how to world sees things differently to him. I could say with some certainty he has anxiety and depression. He has massive guilt over the smallest of things, is ridiculously hard on himself and always sees the worst in any situation. He is very much a pessimist.
He is VERY opposed to any forms of therapy or counselling. About 6 months ago I built up the courage to approach the conversation of autism. He flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt and upset that I thought he was autistic.
The more I research autism the more certain I am he is autistic. I don't know if a formal diagnosis would make any difference to him, but I thought if he could at least be open to researching about it himself, he might suddenly not feel so alone. Maybe the penny would drop for him and all the things he struggles with and why his brain works differently to everyone else would answer some questions he had. But he is just so against things like therapy... I have even suggested things like breathing techniques and mindfulness to help him but he just says "they don't do anything".
I am really struggling, because I cant talk to him about this and if I tell him how what he says and how he acts affects me he says "Great, so I'm the bad guy!" and goes off in a sulk. He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.
I am completely lost and stuck in this situation and I just don't know what to do anymore.
If you made it to the end, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I hope someone out there can give me some guidance.
Personally, it sounds like there is a good chance he is autistic based off of what you have said. He probably doesn't like the idea of being autistic because of the stigma around it. I certainly was very upset for a while because I didn't want to be "broken". This sounds like it could be a long battle, but I think if you managed to get him a good pair of noise cancelling headphones, that could help quite a lot? Just tell him it's to help his concentration or something? May help to decrease triggering his meltdowns.
In terms of mindfulness and breathing exercises not working, I can empathise with him there. They don't help me and it has always frustrated me when people have been convinced that stuff like that and taking a shower/ going for a walk/ having a cup of tea would cure my depression.
He does need to come to an understanding that his behaviour obviously affects you. A relationship shouldn't be about who is the bad guy but rather a couple of people working together to be the best for each other. Maybe you could try explaining that his behaviour effects you in a similar way that mowing the lawn/ dogs barking affects him? ie, it's not relevant to him and isn't intended to hurt him, but still has a negative impact?
Thank you, for your reply. There's some really helpful advice in there which I think could make a difference.
I'm going to give it go and see what happens :)
The noise cancelling earphones are a good idea, they have helped me a lot. It often isn’t just the level of noise, it’s the amount of different sounds all at once that can be overwhelming.