Explosive husband refuses to believe he may be autistic

Hi! 

I just wanted to add a little something that may help. For me personally, I found it insulting the first time someone said I may have autism. Not sure if it was their tone, the circumstance or my poor understanding of autism in general. 

But that being said. It did linger. I then slowly started to question myself more and more as time went on. 

It was about 3 years from this point that I eventually started to look at getting my own diagnosis. Whilst he may seem standoffish on the suggestion. I’d say there’s a very high chance that something you’ve said to him will stick. Maybe just gently approaching the subject every few months is a good approach? Something along the lines of ‘I read an article someone with autism wrote, their views are very similar to yours, would you like to have a read?’ Then, if not, drop the subject for a little while. 

Sorry if this doesn’t help, just reading your post, your husband sounds very similar to me and this is how I wish I’d been approached. 

Thank you, for your reply. There's some really helpful advice in there which I think could make a difference.

I'm going to give it  go and see what happens :) 

The noise cancelling earphones are a good idea, they have helped me a lot. It often isn’t just the level of noise, it’s the amount of different sounds all at once that can be overwhelming.

Personally, it sounds like there is a good chance he is autistic based off of what you have said. He probably doesn't like the idea of being autistic because of the stigma around it. I certainly was very upset for a while because I didn't want to be "broken". This sounds like it could be a long battle, but I think if you managed to get him a good pair of noise cancelling headphones, that could help quite a lot? Just tell him it's to help his concentration or something? May help to decrease triggering his meltdowns.

In terms of mindfulness and breathing exercises not working, I can empathise with him there. They don't help me and it has always frustrated me when people have been convinced that stuff like that and taking a shower/ going for a walk/ having a cup of tea would cure my depression.

He does need to come to an understanding that his behaviour obviously affects you. A relationship shouldn't be about who is the bad guy but rather a couple of people working together to be the best for each other. Maybe you could try explaining that his behaviour effects you in a similar way that mowing the lawn/ dogs barking affects him? ie, it's not relevant to him and isn't intended to hurt him, but still has a negative impact?

Hi Number, I think you and I have trod a similar path, I had the view that all autistic people are like Rainman, I’m not like Rainman so there’s no way I’m autistic. I think I would have taken offence at even the suggestion of it as an insult. I had gone down the road of antidepressants and the whole world just being  always puzzling.

NAS88632 said:

"how do people do this...i just dont get it?"

How many times have i said this and still actually say it quite a lot. Once the penny did drop it all finally made sense. I started reading books written by autistic adults and was blown away that there are other people like me, I always thought it was just me who functions like me. The acceptance part is the hardest part, it’s different for everyone, I was just glad I wasn’t mad, bad or crazy, I think you are right in getting to the lowest point before you stop drowning and finally come up for air. My wife was going to leave me. Men are taught from an early age to say nothing and try to keep it all in, the “stiff upper lip.” Once you work out what or who sets you off, it’s much easier to put coping mechanisms in place.

Thank you for understanding my views, I was so scared reaching out in case it sounded like I was being uncaring. I know it would take something drastic for him to accept any kind of help (which terrifies me!), but maybe I can do something to help or better understand him.

The thing I struggle with the most is his anger, it seems uncontrollable. 

Hi Number, I found your response really helpful as you sound similar to my husband. Do you mind me asking how you found your way? When you said you wanted to get to the bottom of your "unhappiness".

Is there anything in particular that helps you stay calm?

My husband often has to burn out all his energy before his meltdowns stop and that can include punching himself, punching walls, throwing things, breaking things etc.

Thank you :) 

Autonomistic said:

It's not clear why he had such an negative and defensive reaction to your suggestion that he may be autistic.

This is an interesting point......but unlike you Autonomistic, I wholly understand why he has such a negative and defensive reaction to the idea of being autistic.

If someone had tried to tell me that I was autistic, even just a few months before I myself realised this to be my reality, then I would probably have laughed at them and CERTAINLY dismissed the possibility of such a ridiculous thing.  I wasn't autistic - and that was the end of it.  If they hadn't let it lie, I would have become frustrated and angry, most probably.

When I was told by various people that I was simply "depressed", it made me feel angry - purely because I knew that I wasn't.

I was not opposed to finding myself some form of therapy or counselling, but knew that, if it wasn't the right "type" for me, then it would be pointless - and probably counter productive to my mental health.

In short, for me, I needed to get to the bottom of my "unhappiness" in my own time and in my own way.  It took an awfully long time and that long time was awful for all around me.......but the news is good......I did find my way and have reached a place of calm.  Moreover, finding my people has been wonderful and has satiated my concern about myself and how I am.  I'm normal to you lot - weird as hell to them lot.

NAS88632 said:

Hearing your views, does sound like you can relate to his emotions a lot and that helps me understand him better. Trying to stay neutral with my own emotions is something I really do try to do, as I know this can help but as you can imagine sometimes it is very hard to.

It's interesting you should focus on emotions, as I thought I was approaching the issue from a practical rather than emotional angle. Not a criticism in any way, just an example of how we see the world differently. 

That has reminded me of another reason why autistic people can often reject the idea of therapy or counselling. The belief (rightly or wrongly) that we may be asked about and have to try and explain our emotions. Many autistic people suffer from alexithymia, which means we have difficulty identifying and verbalising our feelings and emotions. If the therapist does not recognise that it can leave an autistic person believing that they have failed at the therapy too, by being unable to describe their emotions.

https://stimpunks.org/glossary/alexithymia/

That links to one of the theories behind why meltdowns happen, that we do not identify the negative emotion (such as anger or anxiety) until it reaches the point of being overwhelming.

Autistic people also tend to relate and understand more with each other than with non autistic people, as we can have similar experiences of the world. It is known as the double empathy problem.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

NAS88632 said:

I've certainly considered the noise cancelling headphones, is there any brand or type you would recommend?

It's really down to trial and error and what the person is able to tolerate wearing. Some autistic people do not like the sensation of anything inside their ears. 

The best noise cancelling headphones come from Bose and Sony but they are expensive. Soundcore by Anker are a decent alternative and more reasonably priced.

Maybe he could start out by trying a pair of ear defenders, which are much cheaper. Also some ear plugs to carry around when out, if he can tolerate them.

I haven't tried Loop. Personally I use Howard Leight Smart Fit reusable ear plugs.

Hi there, 

Thanks for your great post. 

I just wanted to say that I don't know how it feels to be in a relationship like this, so I can't offer advice exactly, but my father is almost certainly undiagnosed autistic and he also suffers from a terrible temper which I and other people find frightening. 

I think a lot of my dad's temper comes from being frustrated. He often says in dismay about how he doesn't understand certain things in the world as they are now, because they're different to how they were when he was younger. He is struggling very badly to move 'with the times' because he's so set in his ways and is often confused about modern life. Maybe your husband also feels frustrated because he can't communicate things rationally (like the lawnmower bothering him) he just loses his temper instead. 

He clearly feels attacked if you bring up anything about this - and I know how that feels. It can feel like you're being targeted for being different in a way that you're not able to control and that can be upsetting. 

Well done trying to get answers for him, even though he isn't able or willing to seek them himself. I think deep down he will really appreciate that you are trying to help him - it's clear to me this is coming from a place of love, care and compassion. 

NAS88632 said:

I'm not sure how to approach counselling with him

If he is anything like me then you need to clearly spell it out for him as he probaby cannot empathise with your issues but can understand it if you explain how you are feeling and what it means to you.

Focus on the "building back better" aspects of this if you can.

Good luck

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. Hearing your views, does sound like you can relate to his emotions a lot and that helps me understand him better. Trying to stay neutral with my own emotions is something I really do try to do, as I know this can help but as you can imagine sometimes it is very hard to.

I've certainly considered the noise cancelling headphones, is there any brand or type you would recommend? Also seen things like Loop, any experience? 

Thank you for your reply. I was so nervous that I was doing something wrong, but you have made me feel a little calmer knowing that I am trying to be patient with him. At times it does feel very one sided and that i'm fighting a losing battle. I will try the books you suggested for help. I'm not sure how to approach counselling with him, he would see this as me saying "it's over." and would react strongly in a negative way. Even though I agree it would be the best way forward.

Based upon what you have described I would say that undiagnosed autism seems a strong possibility. I see a lot of myself in his behaviour and triggers. There is a strong overlap between autism and other neurodivergent conditions such as dyslexia and dyspraxia, so that adds further weight.

It's not clear why he had such an negative and defensive reaction to your suggestion that he may be autistic. Maybe he has some incorrect beliefs around some of the myths and stigma that still seem to surround autism.

Many of us who have not been diagnosed until later in life have found it beneficial to finally understand why we are who we are and see the world so differently. Ultimately if he is going to seek a diagnosis it has to be his decision and it isn't something you can force.

For now I would work on the basis of assuming that he is autistic and what might help both of you. You can research a lot more about autism yourself. The more you understand the more you will be in a position to know what will help him and what won't.

NAS88632 said:

He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.

If he can't or won't accept that his meltdowns are causing you distress then you need to do what you can to protect yourself from witnessing them. If the meltdowns aren't about you then he should not be upset by this. Distance yourself physically (eg by going into another room) and give him some space to ride out the meltdown and let it pass. I tend to calm down quicker if I am alone and there isn't anyone to rant to about whatever the trigger was.

Another thing that may help is to gently encourage him to respond differently to known triggers.

NAS88632 said:

He has massive sensory overload, for example someone was mowing their lawn today when he was trying to work and he absolutely flipped out to the point he went marching out the house to find them (don't think he would have approached them, but it wouldn't be uncommon for him to swear at strangers - overacting to a situation).

Rather than storming outside he could have some noise cancelling headphones on his desk and use those to try and block out the noise. Autistic people cannot filter and block sounds like others can. An interruption like that is one of the worst things for our monotropic brains.

NAS88632 said:

Or when he hears kids playing, laughing, screaming in their garden, at a swimming pool or something, he'll get really angry and leave the area moaning about how they should be quieter and how it's bad parenting in public.

He needs to either use something to block out the noise or remove himself from the situation before it gets to the point of overload. You could act as a gentle prompt when you see a situation like this building up.

NAS88632 said:

He is ridiculously clumsy, always coming home with cuts on his head, heads, arms etc where he's bumped into something or done "something stupid" he'd say.

The clumsiness is likely linked to his dyspraxia. The 'something stupid' comment is concerning. It sounds as if he may be having meltdowns when you are not around and is unable to admit to you what happened.

NAS88632 said:

I could say with some certainty he has anxiety and depression.

Both are common in autistic people unfortunately, due to trying to live in a world that is not designed for us. Conventional treatments, designed with neurotypical people in mind, may not help for various reasons. A resource I can recommend for understanding anxiety in autistic adults is the book by Dr Luke Beardon "Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Adults"

NAS88632 said:

He is VERY opposed to any forms of therapy or counselling.

Autistic people can often reject the idea of therapy because verbal communication can be so difficult for us. Then when we do we are often misunderstood and treated with a neuro-normative attitude. It's very important that any therapy is with someone who is knowledgeable and experienced in autism. I have seem comments on here reporting that the most helpful experiences of therapy have been when the therapists are autistic themselves. You need to be aware that he if does pursue a diagnosis there is almost no post diagnostic support available on the NHS for late diagnosed adults. Any therapy would have to be on a private basis.

First off-  you have the patience of a saint!

There are a few books that can help with your position as a neurotypical partner of a neurodiverse husband:

22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2009)
ISBN 9781849058032

Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
ISBN 9781608820771

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)
ISBN 9781849054980

NAS88632 said:

He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.

We often cannot see consequences as well so I recommend keeping a journal for a while and try to keep a factual record of what happened and how you felt about it then present it to him to say "look I am affected by your outbursts - here is my proof" and allow him time to digest it.

Keeping unemotional at this time will probably help as I expect he has trouble dealing with conflict or his impact on others, especially those he loves.

Long term I think getting him to acknowledge the impact of his behaviour will be key  to getting him onboard with doing something about it - then couples therapy (with someone skilled in autism AND relationship counselling) will be the way foraward.

Selling it is a way that is "to make life better for me and us" is possibly most effective as he seems to have difficulties in accepting he is the root cause of the issues, so sharing that responsibility may give him the "in" to doing it.

You have quite a journey ahead but I commend you for your patience and bravery in tolerating this for as long as you have.