Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I apologise in advance because this will probably turn into a long ramble.. I guess what i'm hoping for is some support, guidance, maybe from people in similar situations who can relate and help me.
Me and my husband have been together for over a decade. He has always been known as the "grumpy one" or the "angry one", and for years I assumed he had anger management problems. It wasn't until a few years ago the penny dropped. I believe he has undiagnosed autism. And his angry outbursts are actually meltdowns. I feel really stupid because the more i look into autism the more boxes he ticks. I feel ashamed I didn't notice this sooner, but also neither did any of his teachers, friends, even his family!
He does have diagnosed dyslexia and dyspraxia. He really struggles with all forms of communication. He hates social situations, people make him angry and scared and he'd rather just avoid them all together.
He has massive sensory overload, for example someone was mowing their lawn today when he was trying to work and he absolutely flipped out to the point he went marching out the house to find them (don't think he would have approached them, but it wouldn't be uncommon for him to swear at strangers - overacting to a situation). Or when he hears kids playing, laughing, screaming in their garden, at a swimming pool or something, he'll get really angry and leave the area moaning about how they should be quieter and how it's bad parenting in public.
He is ridiculously clumsy, always coming home with cuts on his head, heads, arms etc where he's bumped into something or done "something stupid" he'd say. His observational skills are limited to the point i say he has "tunnel vision", and can make him a scary/terrible driver. If he is on his phone, he won't hear me talking to him, or if he is doing a task, he won't be able to focus or multitask on anything else.
He has adverse reactions to certain materials and foods.
He always says "how do people do this...i just dont get it?" meaning how to world sees things differently to him. I could say with some certainty he has anxiety and depression. He has massive guilt over the smallest of things, is ridiculously hard on himself and always sees the worst in any situation. He is very much a pessimist.
He is VERY opposed to any forms of therapy or counselling. About 6 months ago I built up the courage to approach the conversation of autism. He flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt and upset that I thought he was autistic.
The more I research autism the more certain I am he is autistic. I don't know if a formal diagnosis would make any difference to him, but I thought if he could at least be open to researching about it himself, he might suddenly not feel so alone. Maybe the penny would drop for him and all the things he struggles with and why his brain works differently to everyone else would answer some questions he had. But he is just so against things like therapy... I have even suggested things like breathing techniques and mindfulness to help him but he just says "they don't do anything".
I am really struggling, because I cant talk to him about this and if I tell him how what he says and how he acts affects me he says "Great, so I'm the bad guy!" and goes off in a sulk. He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.
I am completely lost and stuck in this situation and I just don't know what to do anymore.
If you made it to the end, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I hope someone out there can give me some guidance.
Hi there,
Thanks for your great post.
I just wanted to say that I don't know how it feels to be in a relationship like this, so I can't offer advice exactly, but my father is almost certainly undiagnosed autistic and he also suffers from a terrible temper which I and other people find frightening.
I think a lot of my dad's temper comes from being frustrated. He often says in dismay about how he doesn't understand certain things in the world as they are now, because they're different to how they were when he was younger. He is struggling very badly to move 'with the times' because he's so set in his ways and is often confused about modern life. Maybe your husband also feels frustrated because he can't communicate things rationally (like the lawnmower bothering him) he just loses his temper instead.
He clearly feels attacked if you bring up anything about this - and I know how that feels. It can feel like you're being targeted for being different in a way that you're not able to control and that can be upsetting.
Well done trying to get answers for him, even though he isn't able or willing to seek them himself. I think deep down he will really appreciate that you are trying to help him - it's clear to me this is coming from a place of love, care and compassion.
Thank you for understanding my views, I was so scared reaching out in case it sounded like I was being uncaring. I know it would take something drastic for him to accept any kind of help (which terrifies me!), but maybe I can do something to help or better understand him.
The thing I struggle with the most is his anger, it seems uncontrollable.
Hi!
I just wanted to add a little something that may help. For me personally, I found it insulting the first time someone said I may have autism. Not sure if it was their tone, the circumstance or my poor understanding of autism in general.
But that being said. It did linger. I then slowly started to question myself more and more as time went on.
It was about 3 years from this point that I eventually started to look at getting my own diagnosis. Whilst he may seem standoffish on the suggestion. I’d say there’s a very high chance that something you’ve said to him will stick. Maybe just gently approaching the subject every few months is a good approach? Something along the lines of ‘I read an article someone with autism wrote, their views are very similar to yours, would you like to have a read?’ Then, if not, drop the subject for a little while.
Sorry if this doesn’t help, just reading your post, your husband sounds very similar to me and this is how I wish I’d been approached.