Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I apologise in advance because this will probably turn into a long ramble.. I guess what i'm hoping for is some support, guidance, maybe from people in similar situations who can relate and help me.
Me and my husband have been together for over a decade. He has always been known as the "grumpy one" or the "angry one", and for years I assumed he had anger management problems. It wasn't until a few years ago the penny dropped. I believe he has undiagnosed autism. And his angry outbursts are actually meltdowns. I feel really stupid because the more i look into autism the more boxes he ticks. I feel ashamed I didn't notice this sooner, but also neither did any of his teachers, friends, even his family!
He does have diagnosed dyslexia and dyspraxia. He really struggles with all forms of communication. He hates social situations, people make him angry and scared and he'd rather just avoid them all together.
He has massive sensory overload, for example someone was mowing their lawn today when he was trying to work and he absolutely flipped out to the point he went marching out the house to find them (don't think he would have approached them, but it wouldn't be uncommon for him to swear at strangers - overacting to a situation). Or when he hears kids playing, laughing, screaming in their garden, at a swimming pool or something, he'll get really angry and leave the area moaning about how they should be quieter and how it's bad parenting in public.
He is ridiculously clumsy, always coming home with cuts on his head, heads, arms etc where he's bumped into something or done "something stupid" he'd say. His observational skills are limited to the point i say he has "tunnel vision", and can make him a scary/terrible driver. If he is on his phone, he won't hear me talking to him, or if he is doing a task, he won't be able to focus or multitask on anything else.
He has adverse reactions to certain materials and foods.
He always says "how do people do this...i just dont get it?" meaning how to world sees things differently to him. I could say with some certainty he has anxiety and depression. He has massive guilt over the smallest of things, is ridiculously hard on himself and always sees the worst in any situation. He is very much a pessimist.
He is VERY opposed to any forms of therapy or counselling. About 6 months ago I built up the courage to approach the conversation of autism. He flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt and upset that I thought he was autistic.
The more I research autism the more certain I am he is autistic. I don't know if a formal diagnosis would make any difference to him, but I thought if he could at least be open to researching about it himself, he might suddenly not feel so alone. Maybe the penny would drop for him and all the things he struggles with and why his brain works differently to everyone else would answer some questions he had. But he is just so against things like therapy... I have even suggested things like breathing techniques and mindfulness to help him but he just says "they don't do anything".
I am really struggling, because I cant talk to him about this and if I tell him how what he says and how he acts affects me he says "Great, so I'm the bad guy!" and goes off in a sulk. He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.
I am completely lost and stuck in this situation and I just don't know what to do anymore.
If you made it to the end, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I hope someone out there can give me some guidance.
Based upon what you have described I would say that undiagnosed autism seems a strong possibility. I see a lot of myself in his behaviour and triggers. There is a strong overlap between autism and other neurodivergent conditions such as dyslexia and dyspraxia, so that adds further weight.
It's not clear why he had such an negative and defensive reaction to your suggestion that he may be autistic. Maybe he has some incorrect beliefs around some of the myths and stigma that still seem to surround autism.
Many of us who have not been diagnosed until later in life have found it beneficial to finally understand why we are who we are and see the world so differently. Ultimately if he is going to seek a diagnosis it has to be his decision and it isn't something you can force.
For now I would work on the basis of assuming that he is autistic and what might help both of you. You can research a lot more about autism yourself. The more you understand the more you will be in a position to know what will help him and what won't.
NAS88632 said:He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.
If he can't or won't accept that his meltdowns are causing you distress then you need to do what you can to protect yourself from witnessing them. If the meltdowns aren't about you then he should not be upset by this. Distance yourself physically (eg by going into another room) and give him some space to ride out the meltdown and let it pass. I tend to calm down quicker if I am alone and there isn't anyone to rant to about whatever the trigger was.
Another thing that may help is to gently encourage him to respond differently to known triggers.
NAS88632 said:He has massive sensory overload, for example someone was mowing their lawn today when he was trying to work and he absolutely flipped out to the point he went marching out the house to find them (don't think he would have approached them, but it wouldn't be uncommon for him to swear at strangers - overacting to a situation).
Rather than storming outside he could have some noise cancelling headphones on his desk and use those to try and block out the noise. Autistic people cannot filter and block sounds like others can. An interruption like that is one of the worst things for our monotropic brains.
NAS88632 said:Or when he hears kids playing, laughing, screaming in their garden, at a swimming pool or something, he'll get really angry and leave the area moaning about how they should be quieter and how it's bad parenting in public.
He needs to either use something to block out the noise or remove himself from the situation before it gets to the point of overload. You could act as a gentle prompt when you see a situation like this building up.
NAS88632 said:He is ridiculously clumsy, always coming home with cuts on his head, heads, arms etc where he's bumped into something or done "something stupid" he'd say.
The clumsiness is likely linked to his dyspraxia. The 'something stupid' comment is concerning. It sounds as if he may be having meltdowns when you are not around and is unable to admit to you what happened.
NAS88632 said: I could say with some certainty he has anxiety and depression.
Both are common in autistic people unfortunately, due to trying to live in a world that is not designed for us. Conventional treatments, designed with neurotypical people in mind, may not help for various reasons. A resource I can recommend for understanding anxiety in autistic adults is the book by Dr Luke Beardon "Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Adults"
NAS88632 said:He is VERY opposed to any forms of therapy or counselling.
Autistic people can often reject the idea of therapy because verbal communication can be so difficult for us. Then when we do we are often misunderstood and treated with a neuro-normative attitude. It's very important that any therapy is with someone who is knowledgeable and experienced in autism. I have seem comments on here reporting that the most helpful experiences of therapy have been when the therapists are autistic themselves. You need to be aware that he if does pursue a diagnosis there is almost no post diagnostic support available on the NHS for late diagnosed adults. Any therapy would have to be on a private basis.
Thank you so much for your detailed reply. Hearing your views, does sound like you can relate to his emotions a lot and that helps me understand him better. Trying to stay neutral with my own emotions is something I really do try to do, as I know this can help but as you can imagine sometimes it is very hard to.
I've certainly considered the noise cancelling headphones, is there any brand or type you would recommend? Also seen things like Loop, any experience?
NAS88632 said:Hearing your views, does sound like you can relate to his emotions a lot and that helps me understand him better. Trying to stay neutral with my own emotions is something I really do try to do, as I know this can help but as you can imagine sometimes it is very hard to.
It's interesting you should focus on emotions, as I thought I was approaching the issue from a practical rather than emotional angle. Not a criticism in any way, just an example of how we see the world differently.
That has reminded me of another reason why autistic people can often reject the idea of therapy or counselling. The belief (rightly or wrongly) that we may be asked about and have to try and explain our emotions. Many autistic people suffer from alexithymia, which means we have difficulty identifying and verbalising our feelings and emotions. If the therapist does not recognise that it can leave an autistic person believing that they have failed at the therapy too, by being unable to describe their emotions.
https://stimpunks.org/glossary/alexithymia/
That links to one of the theories behind why meltdowns happen, that we do not identify the negative emotion (such as anger or anxiety) until it reaches the point of being overwhelming.
Autistic people also tend to relate and understand more with each other than with non autistic people, as we can have similar experiences of the world. It is known as the double empathy problem.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy
NAS88632 said:I've certainly considered the noise cancelling headphones, is there any brand or type you would recommend?
It's really down to trial and error and what the person is able to tolerate wearing. Some autistic people do not like the sensation of anything inside their ears.
The best noise cancelling headphones come from Bose and Sony but they are expensive. Soundcore by Anker are a decent alternative and more reasonably priced.
Maybe he could start out by trying a pair of ear defenders, which are much cheaper. Also some ear plugs to carry around when out, if he can tolerate them.
I haven't tried Loop. Personally I use Howard Leight Smart Fit reusable ear plugs.