Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I apologise in advance because this will probably turn into a long ramble.. I guess what i'm hoping for is some support, guidance, maybe from people in similar situations who can relate and help me.
Me and my husband have been together for over a decade. He has always been known as the "grumpy one" or the "angry one", and for years I assumed he had anger management problems. It wasn't until a few years ago the penny dropped. I believe he has undiagnosed autism. And his angry outbursts are actually meltdowns. I feel really stupid because the more i look into autism the more boxes he ticks. I feel ashamed I didn't notice this sooner, but also neither did any of his teachers, friends, even his family!
He does have diagnosed dyslexia and dyspraxia. He really struggles with all forms of communication. He hates social situations, people make him angry and scared and he'd rather just avoid them all together.
He has massive sensory overload, for example someone was mowing their lawn today when he was trying to work and he absolutely flipped out to the point he went marching out the house to find them (don't think he would have approached them, but it wouldn't be uncommon for him to swear at strangers - overacting to a situation). Or when he hears kids playing, laughing, screaming in their garden, at a swimming pool or something, he'll get really angry and leave the area moaning about how they should be quieter and how it's bad parenting in public.
He is ridiculously clumsy, always coming home with cuts on his head, heads, arms etc where he's bumped into something or done "something stupid" he'd say. His observational skills are limited to the point i say he has "tunnel vision", and can make him a scary/terrible driver. If he is on his phone, he won't hear me talking to him, or if he is doing a task, he won't be able to focus or multitask on anything else.
He has adverse reactions to certain materials and foods.
He always says "how do people do this...i just dont get it?" meaning how to world sees things differently to him. I could say with some certainty he has anxiety and depression. He has massive guilt over the smallest of things, is ridiculously hard on himself and always sees the worst in any situation. He is very much a pessimist.
He is VERY opposed to any forms of therapy or counselling. About 6 months ago I built up the courage to approach the conversation of autism. He flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt and upset that I thought he was autistic.
The more I research autism the more certain I am he is autistic. I don't know if a formal diagnosis would make any difference to him, but I thought if he could at least be open to researching about it himself, he might suddenly not feel so alone. Maybe the penny would drop for him and all the things he struggles with and why his brain works differently to everyone else would answer some questions he had. But he is just so against things like therapy... I have even suggested things like breathing techniques and mindfulness to help him but he just says "they don't do anything".
I am really struggling, because I cant talk to him about this and if I tell him how what he says and how he acts affects me he says "Great, so I'm the bad guy!" and goes off in a sulk. He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.
I am completely lost and stuck in this situation and I just don't know what to do anymore.
If you made it to the end, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I hope someone out there can give me some guidance.
First off- you have the patience of a saint!
There are a few books that can help with your position as a neurotypical partner of a neurodiverse husband:
22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2009)ISBN 9781849058032Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)ISBN 9781608820771The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)ISBN 9781849054980
NAS88632 said:He also refuses to accept that his meltdowns have a negative affect on me. He thinks because theyre not about me, that I shouldn't feel affected by them.
We often cannot see consequences as well so I recommend keeping a journal for a while and try to keep a factual record of what happened and how you felt about it then present it to him to say "look I am affected by your outbursts - here is my proof" and allow him time to digest it.
Keeping unemotional at this time will probably help as I expect he has trouble dealing with conflict or his impact on others, especially those he loves.
Long term I think getting him to acknowledge the impact of his behaviour will be key to getting him onboard with doing something about it - then couples therapy (with someone skilled in autism AND relationship counselling) will be the way foraward.
Selling it is a way that is "to make life better for me and us" is possibly most effective as he seems to have difficulties in accepting he is the root cause of the issues, so sharing that responsibility may give him the "in" to doing it.
You have quite a journey ahead but I commend you for your patience and bravery in tolerating this for as long as you have.
Thank you for your reply. I was so nervous that I was doing something wrong, but you have made me feel a little calmer knowing that I am trying to be patient with him. At times it does feel very one sided and that i'm fighting a losing battle. I will try the books you suggested for help. I'm not sure how to approach counselling with him, he would see this as me saying "it's over." and would react strongly in a negative way. Even though I agree it would be the best way forward.