Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
First post. Please do be gentle if possible.
I’ve struggled for the longest time. Was diagnosed aged 22, only last week in fact.
I’m struggling because I know I won’t have what everyone else has. I won’t have a plethora of friends, or as good prospects in terms of work and relationships. Without going too in-depth, my familial relationships are non-existent; support just isn’t a thing currently. I’m trying to access private therapy but I’ve had an abysmal experience with that thus far.
I appreciate Instagram of all things isn’t indicative of reality, but I get a weird feeling in my throat and stomach because frankly, I have no one to interact with. What’s the point in even having an account?
I won’t understand societal norms, especially pertaining to womanhood. I’ve never particularly been invested in make-up, or hair care, or boys; I say this not in a, “I’m not like other girls,” way, but because it’s innately true. I couldn’t connect and so thus, this created a disconnect between myself and them. And not in a good way.
I’m returning to education soon and frankly, I’m terrified. As much as I’d like to progress, I don’t think I can do this. I feel perpetually burnt out both being stationary, and participating in things; there’s no middle ground it seems. It doesn’t help now that no one takes it seriously. “Everyone’s a little autistic now.”
I’m just frustrated, and people in my family don’t get it. They won’t, and so I thought it might be worth confiding in a space that might. I’m tired and angry with myself, though I know this does absolutely nothing.
Apologies for sounding controversial here, but I’m angry for having this diagnosis; these struggles that simply aren’t within my control. I can learn to interact with others in a way that might be socially acceptable, but even then it’s at the expense of my own health. I know things could be worse.
I just needed to yell into the void. Thanks.
DSM-XIV said:I’m struggling because I know I won’t have what everyone else has.
What difference does that actially make when you look at it?
You have what you have and the fundamentals won't change so embrace it. Wanting something you cannot have is only ever going to make you depressed anyway, so move away from that mindset and try to focus on making the most of what you do have.
Social norms can be learned - you are clearly intelligent so make it a task to treat it like a class to teach yourself the mechanisms, expectations and responses. A book like this will help here:
Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)ISBN 9781941765388
As for not being like other women - there is nothing wrong with being yourself. So long as you keep clean then being practical is perfectly acceptable and you should own the "being a character" when it comes to your dress style.
For private therapy, can you let us know what you have tried so far please? I found my therapist on:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism
Finding someone who has an understanding of autism is key and if you find they don't "gel" with you then find another. That worked for me.
For the education struggles - make sure the educational body has a copy of your diagnosis as they are required to offer you support and it can be effective. You may also need to manage your own expectations around your social involvement but that is something to work through with your therapist.
As for feeling angry about the diagnosis, this is pointless I'm afraid. You are no different after than before - you simply know the reasons for your struggles.
Knowledge is power, so use this to make aspects of life better for yourself. Get support in your education, understand your limitations and accommodate the ones that cannot be changed while working to improve those that can be helped.
Most importantly is to learn to manage anxiety as best you can - this is the energy killer. I would suggest a combination of reading about it and working with a therapist:
Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)ISBN 9781843108955An Aspie's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)eISBN 9781784501198
I would also avoid social media as this is a toxic mix of lies, misinformation and advertising designed to make us feel worse about ourselves. I tend to only use it to follow a few special interests I have but need to time limit using this to avoid doom scrolling when using the app.
This is a lot to take in, but there is a lot you can do to turn things to a more positive direction.
We are here to support and help so please use us as a substitute for friends IRL if it helps you.
Hi lain,
Today is unfortunately a bad mental health day. Nevertheless, I wanted to thank you—and simultaneously apologise due to the lacklustre nature of my reply—for writing this very detailed, very elaborate reply.
You’re absolutely right.
I’ve utilised the directory to seek therapists before and honestly, even with the filters applied I’ve not found many seasoned therapists in my area; I’ll have to look for online/over the phone.
Many thanks.
DSM-XIV said:I’ve utilised the directory to seek therapists before and honestly, even with the filters applied I’ve not found many seasoned therapists in my area; I’ll have to look for online
Online for therapy is very much the post-covid way and one all the therapists I know have embraced. So long as you have an internet connected computer or phone and somewhere private for the session it is all you need.
Another book that may help with making your sense of femeninity is:
Aspergirls - empowering females with Asperger Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2012)ISBN 9781849058261
All things for a better day though. Get through today knowing we are here to support and sometimes help, sometimes chat but always to have your back.
Until then - look after yourself.