Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Thank you, everyone! I just came back here ready to delete my post because I figured if no one replied, I'd feel even more alone. But now i see that I am not.

And I'm sorry for those who are struggling. While most of us don't seem to need a lot (if any) social interaction, it's still hard not seeing anyone like oneself in the larger culture. And I see that some here are struggling with depression, too. I wish I had solutions.

As much as I hate covid, I *loved* certain aspects of lock down (yes, I do feel bad for those of us who suffered because of it, financially--I did too--or otherwise). I felt (and still feel) sad when everything got back to "normal" because during lockdown, I finally saw myself in the larger culture--people were not going to bars. People were enjoying nature. They were cooking at home, making their own fun, cutting their own hair, wearing whatever clothes they had. And then suddenly when it was lifted, they were all trashing that lifestyle and leaving it behind happily in an instant. I went from feeling like my life was like everyone else's to living the life that everyone hated, once again.

Part of what prompted this mini breakdown with me is that my cat was diagnosed with a chronic (and most likely terminal) disease this summer. She and my dog are my world. She has almost died a number of times, but with 'round the clock care and veterinary intervention, she is still with us. I know it won't be long, and I am not coping well. I am not sleeping or eating enough, and I go nowhere. I can't just go out and "have fun" when she's like this. I want to be with her for the time she has. And it's killing me knowing that she's ill, knowing that she'll be gone, and struggling with finding the best meds, food, etc..

People are being nice about it, but no one understands fully, so I don't go on and on with people. For me, it's like a family member is in hospice care and I am the only caregiver. I imagine this as if it were someone else--like that person is still expected to work, be in public, take care of their own needs, etc....but they're being the nurse 'round the clock with meds, etc. No one would expect that person to be ok if they were being the hospice nurse for a family member. They'd expect them to take time off work. They'd organize "meal trains" and other ways to help. People would check in. People would expect them to cry and struggle and would rally around them.

But not with a pet. They're as nice as they can be and know how to be in our current culture. But no one understands that my pets are my people and this is like being the one hospice worker for my dying family member, in my home. It's *that* hard on me.

I'm tough and rarely show struggle. I'm used to being the "only one who...." and being the weirdo. Whatever. But with her illness, it's just become painfully obvious that there is NO one like me in my world...and a reminder of post-lockdown isolation and hearing people say such awful things about the lifestyle that is mine (not going out, etc.). 

It has raised the old question again about whether I should get formally diagnosed, which I know many of you have pondered. I am seen as a leader in some ways in my community because of the work I do. If I were diagnosed finally, if I chose to "come out," I could see that as being a major part of the work I do with my workshops and other professional endeavors. But at the same time, I don't know if I want anyone knowing that about me. People judge. I don't know if I want a label in people's minds. Maybe it's my own business.

And what if I don't have autism...my dad and his dad (my grandpa) have autism. My mom has a personality disorder, OCD, and other things. I may have just learned these behaviors. The one thing that makes me think that maybe I don't have autism is that I don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it. So...? (I'm not asking for people to help me with that decision...I'm just pondering.)

Anyway, I have read (and will read) all responses and I really appreciate them and hope the best for all of you. I am new to this forum, so I'm still learning about how the forum works. If I don't respond in some way, it's not that I haven't read it; I may be just still getting to understand the way things work here.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

I *loved* certain aspects of lock down (yes, I do feel bad for those of us who suffered because of it, financially--I did too--or otherwise). I felt (and still feel) sad when everything got back to "normal" because during lockdown

Exactly this and I honestly felt I was the only one in the world who felt like this. Mental health stuff at the time talked about anxiety over catching the virus,  not anxiety over a return to modern life.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

then suddenly when it was lifted, they were all trashing that lifestyle and leaving it behind happily in an instant

Yes but also as more people retreated to nature in lockdown, I found a lot more litter in the places I frequent. I was kind of happy that the "masses" had buggered back off after lockdown.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

mini breakdown

This might be burnout.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

I'm tough and rarely show struggle

Autistic people are far more resilient than they give themselves credit for.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it

You said you "worked hard at it" which indicates it might be learned behaviour....I can relate to being able to read emotions well (sometimes too well but sometimes missing the mark) and I think a lot of it is observed learning. 

For a lot of people, self realisation is enough. Seeking out others who are similar also helps massively to know you are not a weirdo. If you did get a diagnosis you don't have to tell anyone. 

Thank you, out of step! I relate the disappointment in the litter at nature sites. I remember going to a place that no one goes to normally (sacred Native American historic site)...drove the 15 minutes to get there, and there were almost 50 people noisily wondering and leaving trash. The only thing I liked about the lockdown ending was that "my" places were once again empty or free from the temporary visitors who really had no respect for the places.

You may have seen my comments on others' replies, but I don't like that my state requires by law that anyone diagnosed with autism must be reported to the state health department to be entered into a database. And through work, I know many people who work in that department...it's a "small town" kind of place (rural), so diagnosis will not be completely confidential in that regard.

So in addition to the expense and scarcity of agencies that work with diagnosing adults, the lack of confidentiality (and near impossibility of removing my name from a list of disabilities/autistic individuals if I should ever contest the diagnosis for whatever reason), I very much hesitate. It would be "nice" to know, but t here are a lot of cons to the process. That's why I ultimately don't pursue it every time things get rough and I think about it.

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

Thank you, out of step! I relate the disappointment in the litter at nature sites. I remember going to a place that no one goes to normally (sacred Native American historic site)...drove the 15 minutes to get there, and there were almost 50 people noisily wondering and leaving trash. The only thing I liked about the lockdown ending was that "my" places were once again empty or free from the temporary visitors who really had no respect for the places.

You may have seen my comments on others' replies, but I don't like that my state requires by law that anyone diagnosed with autism must be reported to the state health department to be entered into a database. And through work, I know many people who work in that department...it's a "small town" kind of place (rural), so diagnosis will not be completely confidential in that regard.

So in addition to the expense and scarcity of agencies that work with diagnosing adults, the lack of confidentiality (and near impossibility of removing my name from a list of disabilities/autistic individuals if I should ever contest the diagnosis for whatever reason), I very much hesitate. It would be "nice" to know, but t here are a lot of cons to the process. That's why I ultimately don't pursue it every time things get rough and I think about it.

Thanks for your thoughtful response.