Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Thank you, everyone! I just came back here ready to delete my post because I figured if no one replied, I'd feel even more alone. But now i see that I am not.

And I'm sorry for those who are struggling. While most of us don't seem to need a lot (if any) social interaction, it's still hard not seeing anyone like oneself in the larger culture. And I see that some here are struggling with depression, too. I wish I had solutions.

As much as I hate covid, I *loved* certain aspects of lock down (yes, I do feel bad for those of us who suffered because of it, financially--I did too--or otherwise). I felt (and still feel) sad when everything got back to "normal" because during lockdown, I finally saw myself in the larger culture--people were not going to bars. People were enjoying nature. They were cooking at home, making their own fun, cutting their own hair, wearing whatever clothes they had. And then suddenly when it was lifted, they were all trashing that lifestyle and leaving it behind happily in an instant. I went from feeling like my life was like everyone else's to living the life that everyone hated, once again.

Part of what prompted this mini breakdown with me is that my cat was diagnosed with a chronic (and most likely terminal) disease this summer. She and my dog are my world. She has almost died a number of times, but with 'round the clock care and veterinary intervention, she is still with us. I know it won't be long, and I am not coping well. I am not sleeping or eating enough, and I go nowhere. I can't just go out and "have fun" when she's like this. I want to be with her for the time she has. And it's killing me knowing that she's ill, knowing that she'll be gone, and struggling with finding the best meds, food, etc..

People are being nice about it, but no one understands fully, so I don't go on and on with people. For me, it's like a family member is in hospice care and I am the only caregiver. I imagine this as if it were someone else--like that person is still expected to work, be in public, take care of their own needs, etc....but they're being the nurse 'round the clock with meds, etc. No one would expect that person to be ok if they were being the hospice nurse for a family member. They'd expect them to take time off work. They'd organize "meal trains" and other ways to help. People would check in. People would expect them to cry and struggle and would rally around them.

But not with a pet. They're as nice as they can be and know how to be in our current culture. But no one understands that my pets are my people and this is like being the one hospice worker for my dying family member, in my home. It's *that* hard on me.

I'm tough and rarely show struggle. I'm used to being the "only one who...." and being the weirdo. Whatever. But with her illness, it's just become painfully obvious that there is NO one like me in my world...and a reminder of post-lockdown isolation and hearing people say such awful things about the lifestyle that is mine (not going out, etc.). 

It has raised the old question again about whether I should get formally diagnosed, which I know many of you have pondered. I am seen as a leader in some ways in my community because of the work I do. If I were diagnosed finally, if I chose to "come out," I could see that as being a major part of the work I do with my workshops and other professional endeavors. But at the same time, I don't know if I want anyone knowing that about me. People judge. I don't know if I want a label in people's minds. Maybe it's my own business.

And what if I don't have autism...my dad and his dad (my grandpa) have autism. My mom has a personality disorder, OCD, and other things. I may have just learned these behaviors. The one thing that makes me think that maybe I don't have autism is that I don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it. So...? (I'm not asking for people to help me with that decision...I'm just pondering.)

Anyway, I have read (and will read) all responses and I really appreciate them and hope the best for all of you. I am new to this forum, so I'm still learning about how the forum works. If I don't respond in some way, it's not that I haven't read it; I may be just still getting to understand the way things work here.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

It has raised the old question again about whether I should get formally diagnosed, which I know many of you have pondered. I am seen as a leader in some ways in my community because of the work I do. If I were diagnosed finally, if I chose to "come out," I could see that as being a major part of the work I do with my workshops and other professional endeavors. But at the same time, I don't know if I want anyone knowing that about me. People judge. I don't know if I want a label in people's minds. Maybe it's my own business.

If you are diagnosed or decide to self identify it doesn't mean you have to tell anyone, unless you want to share. It is very much your own business.

Eventually, as more autistic people are brave enough to be open, I hope that society will become more understanding and accepting, rather than seeing it as a label and having so many misconceptions about autism.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

And what if I don't have autism...my dad and his dad (my grandpa) have autism. My mom has a personality disorder, OCD, and other things. I may have just learned these behaviors. The one thing that makes me think that maybe I don't have autism is that I don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it.

The evidence of familial links is strong. The fact that you have autism in your family seems a strong indicator. 

Have you considered that your mum may be undiagnosed autistic too. Back when we were growing up in the 1970s autism was usually thought to only affect boys. Right up to recent times autistic females have been more likely to be misdiagnosed with personality disorders or simply labelled as anxious. My mum was diagnosed with a personality disorder years before I was born. I'm sure that was wrong and it was actually undiagnosed autism.

It is possible to learn how to read faces and body language. A while back one of those 'guess the emotion from the eyes' tests was posted on here. I was surprised how high I scored. Some autistic people have hyper empathy, in that they pick up on others emotions very strongly.

Thank you! Well, one big hurdle is that in my state, anyone diagnosed with autism must be reported to the state health department and put in a database! That's the law here, no exceptions. So although that's supposed to be confidential, it still means that I don't have 100% control over who knows.

And I'm sort of a public figure in my town and know a lot of people in state government (just due to work and whatnot, not because I'm some big deal lol). So it makes me nervous to be on a list...especially because what if in time I realize that perhaps I'm like my dad but not truly autistic (not likely, but just pondering...). There's no way to get removed from The List.

My mom--no, it's very clear that she has the disorders she's been diagnosed with and not autism. But my dad and grandpa, yes.

I definitely learned to read body language, etc., for my career. And yet other times it's like you say...hyper empathy, especially with animals.

Anyway, thank you for your response and for the food for thought.

Thank you! Well, one big hurdle is that in my state, anyone diagnosed with autism must be reported to the state health department and put in a database! That's the law here, no exceptions. So although that's supposed to be confidential, it still means that I don't have 100% control over who knows.

And I'm sort of a public figure in my town and know a lot of people in state government (just due to work and whatnot, not because I'm some big deal lol). So it makes me nervous to be on a list...especially because what if in time I realize that perhaps I'm like my dad but not truly autistic (not likely, but just pondering...). There's no way to get removed from The List.

My mom--no, it's very clear that she has the disorders she's been diagnosed with and not autism. But my dad and grandpa, yes.

I definitely learned to read body language, etc., for my career. And yet other times it's like you say...hyper empathy, especially with animals.

Anyway, thank you for your response and for the food for thought.