God Bless everybody. Thanks Mods. Thanks to those who replied to me. I do not deserve to be here.

Hello, I’ve just read through your replies and a few years ago I was very much like you. Using alcohol was an any easy way to try and act, look and I suppose function in some sort of normal way, it was like I could shut autism down for just a while. It is a way of masking but it takes its toll in the end. I thought acting the clown would help me be accepted, if you look at old pictures of clowns you will see they often had tear’s painted under their eyes, it was a mask. Some clowns would drink heavily, I wonder if most were neurodivergent. It wasn’t until I realised I’m autistic and started to accept that person I had created wasn’t me that I started to let the mask slip, too be honest I don’t have a lot of friends now but I’m starting, only starting to like myself. Just a little bit. I’ve had people preach to me about drinking and I understand it doesn’t work. I still go to the village pub at the weekend with my wife as I understand she needs a social life, I will often then put a film on that I have watched a hundred times to keep my mind just busy enough , I’ve stopped drinking during the week and found I actually function better now as the real me comes to the surface more. I still have bad days, shutdowns and anxiety are all parts of me but the good days are starting to outweigh they bad, try to manage autism, you can’t destroy it as it will always surface, it’s part of you. It is an old cliche but you first need to like yourself for who you are, not what you think you need to be for the sake of others.  Chin up and take care.

Hello, I’ve just read through your replies and a few years ago I was very much like you. Using alcohol was an any easy way to try and act, look and I suppose function in some sort of normal way, it was like I could shut autism down for just a while. It is a way of masking but it takes its toll in the end. I thought acting the clown would help me be accepted, if you look at old pictures of clowns you will see they often had tear’s painted under their eyes, it was a mask. Some clowns would drink heavily, I wonder if most were neurodivergent. It wasn’t until I realised I’m autistic and started to accept that person I had created wasn’t me that I started to let the mask slip, too be honest I don’t have a lot of friends now but I’m starting, only starting to like myself. Just a little bit. I’ve had people preach to me about drinking and I understand it doesn’t work. I still go to the village pub at the weekend with my wife as I understand she needs a social life, I will often then put a film on that I have watched a hundred times to keep my mind just busy enough , I’ve stopped drinking during the week and found I actually function better now as the real me comes to the surface more. I still have bad days, shutdowns and anxiety are all parts of me but the good days are starting to outweigh they bad, try to manage autism, you can’t destroy it as it will always surface, it’s part of you. It is an old cliche but you first need to like yourself for who you are, not what you think you need to be for the sake of others.  Chin up and take care.