Published on 12, July, 2020
I always hoped I would never become a burden, because let's be honest no one wants to be like that, and now I've come to realise that's exactly what I am.
A big fat burden on my family, especially my mum. She loves me to bits and I love her, more than anything, yet I am a burden. My mum is away for a week, she asked me several times and I said yeah go for it. I didn't want her to, I hate when people are away but I thought my mum could do with a break away and I was right. She sent me a picture today and she looks so happy, happiest she's been in ages.
I'm happy she is happy but I'm sad because she's not as happy when she's at home and that's because of me. I'm hard work, I know I am.. I don't mean to be but I am. I can be unbearable, telling about my anxiety and health, and it upsets her. She's never said so but I know it does and I've tried to talk about it less.
What doesn't help is that I'm suffering from mental problems now with my physical health problem. This first happened to me during my first year of secondary school and now it's going for me again but weirdly I can't fight it off like I did before..
My mum never complains, she's nice like that but I feel bad now for being like this.. She doesn't work, she stays home to look after me.
I hate who I've become.
I try to do everything I can when I can to ease the weight, including trying to cope on my own even when I'm really struggling. I know that my mum would be happier if I were okay and she didn't need to base her life in any way on me.
So I try to be unaware of dragging people down, but it's true so it's kind of impossible to not have that awareness swim to the front every so often.
My mum lives in an annexe built on the side of my brother's house in Cambridge, which is where I was born and grew up. I live about 70 miles away from her in Norfolk now because I simply have to be by the sea. It has been my security blanket for over 20 years now. I think my mum sees this as an inconvenience and blames me for it. I went to stay with her for a long weekend a few weeks back and we ended up having a massive row because she kept on and on about how wonderful my brother is. I get on brilliantly with my brother and there is no competition between us but my mum seems to think I should live my life just like he does. I feel like I'm a big disappointment to her, especially since my dad passed away in 2006. I was very close to him and we used to go fishing together, or play golf, and I miss him terribly. I love my mum but we're so different in every way that we frustrate each other so much and I often feel like I want to distance myself from her to save the confrontation. I feel guilty because my brother does so much for her. It's so hard to be your best self on your own terms but take other people's needs into account too. You are who you are, and I'm sure your mum loves you for who you are, just as mine probably does too, but it's difficult to reconcile this in our own minds.