Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm struggling with my friends. I managed to get myself some friends, neurotypical. But they comment on my autism and my being different.. and because of that I feel like I need to be different. I've started acting different, masking I think it is, and it's draining me physically and mentally. I've been feeling ugly as well, worried no one will want to marry me because I don't look that attractive. I'm feeling particularly self critical now.
I echo the sentiments of Goosey and Def Leepard.
Although neurotypical friends might not always completely understand you, you shouldn't be left feeling as though you need to mask with them. I have neurotypical friends and although they might think I'm a bit odd or whatever, they accept me as I am (mostly).
As for feeling ugly, who says you are ugly? I think most people probably have some kind of hang-up about the way they look. You may think you are ugly, but it doesn't mean everyone else does. Also, there is more to beauty than one's physical appearance.
Friends?---what's that! I've never been able to give of myself enough to allow others to know me. Yes, there have been many transitory acquaintances, but that's it. Even my wife doesn't know the real me. I sometimes wonder if I know myself! I am unable to put on false pretenses so I give away little which in my view are vulnerabilities. I'm ex-military and had the highest of security clearances. I was brain washed to offer information only to those who had a "need to know". I say "brain washed" but that is not the entire reasoning for keeping shtoom about myself. Since childhood I have had this problem of not reaching out. My mother called me a "cold fish". Perhaps it's because I may have been left in my baby crib for too long a time? I was apparently a quiet undemanding baby (let a sleeping dog lay?) I am the product of a hard workingclass disfunctional family, with a father suffering with nervous anxiety stemming from his trauma fighting in the south pacific island jungles during WW2. QED!