Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m 44 and not yet diagnosed, I have two teenage boys. I struggle with communication with my children (and friends/colleagues) in that I like to talk to them but just don’t really understand what to say to make general conversation apart from the obvious “how was x?” “are you ok?” type questions. We’ve just come back from a holiday and it was all the more obvious there over mealtimes, there were a lot of silences and I found it quite upsetting. I asked my eldest son if he is on his phone so much and so quiet when he is with his dad or on holiday with friends’ families, and he said no. He said that conversation just flows with other adults so he is more engaged. This is what I sense already - other people seem to find general chit chat natural, whereas I have to think about any questions or topics before I speak. I also feel very sensitive and sad when I feel that family time isn’t going as it ‘should’ be. I don’t understand why I seem to be different to other parents and not managing to spend time together like other people seems to. I do realise that teenagers are tricky with communication, but from talking to mine it seems like the awkwardness is coming from me without meaning it to. Does anyone else struggle in this way? Sorry for rambling!
NAS88317 said:He said that conversation just flows with other adults so he is more engaged.
This bit is important - the issue seems to be that there is a combination of autism conversational weakness on both sides and the age old problem where teenage boys don't get on well with their fathers until later in life.
There is an interesting article on this here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201011/the-challenge-fathering-adolescent-son
Since casual conversation is not a strong point then I would suggest you build some common ground for the subject of conversations. Looking back on my childhood I recall my father taking time to teach me a bunch of practical skills (how to operate a lawn mower to start, how to lay a path made of slabs then onto bicycle maintenance the motorbike maintenance etc - skills that help me later in life and become more confident as an adult.
This will give you some quality time with them individually, a chance to play with some "toys" (eg a motorbike) and a sense of bonding through the skills transfer.
Think about stuff as simple as setting the thermostat for the central heating - explain what maintenance needs doing on it, why it needs flushing occasionally, how to use the washing machine for different types or clothes / treating different types of stains - basically whatever skills you have developed that are useful day-to-day can be imparted.
If you lack practical skills then work with what you do have and find shared interests.
From that new common patform of experience, the time and events you shared and the teacher/pupil dynamic you should have a lot more to talk about.
Thank you so much, I haven’t read anything about the Double Empathy Problem so I’ll do some research! It’s the feeling like I don’t quite fit in that I really struggle with, everything just feels a bit wrong and a bit harder than it seems for most people. Lots of learning to do!
Have you read any articles on the Double Empathy Problem? They might be helpful to you.
I'd also maybe just have a discussion with your boys, teenagers can be a lot more understanding than you think, especially when it comes to their mothers!
You could also maybe think of topics for discussion before hand and have a prepared mental list to work through, for example your boy's hobbies/interests, school, their friends etc. However you should also try and offer some information from your day and talk about the things you enjoy as well. You will often find that if you are enthuastic about something then it will engage people even if they aren't generally interested in it!
I am a late diagnosed adult (also a former teenage boy) and I also struggle with communication, however I have had a lot of people say I'm fun to talk to! I usually just try to follow the above steps that I have learned from my lifetime of masking ha ha ha.
I hope some of this helps, and no need to apologies for rambling. That is what forums are for!