Published on 12, July, 2020
Im off for the summer now and really struggling in that I've been in a complete state of inertia for nearly a week. What's also in the mix is a chronic fatigue-like health scenario. Sometimes the boundaries are blurred but if I were to put my finger on it, I'd say this is more AS related because I've been here time and again. I can't get going with anything for love nor money. I've got plenty of things to be doing but can't start and don't know how to. I need a project to get my teeth into (of which is covered on the "things to be doing") but in my head I know it won't get finished if I start. I'm resorting to engaging with an interest but I've reached peak saturation on that. I'm flim flamming around and haven't got the attention to stick to anything (which I don't know if this is CFS related but I've experienced this before although it seems to be worse now). I don't know if I'm in some sort of emotional burnout because I haven't experienced this stuckness for quite a while. What also adds is a sense that - I can't tell what my expectations of myself should be. When the fatigue is really thick, I know how to pace, but when I'm in this middle ground I don't know what to do but I see this more as autistic inertia. It's also the fact that I see others are able to structure their time off but I can't and I don't know if I'm putting pressure on myself to be a certain way. I've asked for help with one thing and with other things could do with a bit of "shadowing" to motivate me but the obvious person to ask is busy working more than me and has their own stuff to do.
Sorry to hear this.
I was trying to think of some good advice and then DeS posted.
I think that there's a lot of wisdom in that post (of DeS).
Remember that your garden and your butterflies need you.
It's good that you have that interest and hopefully you find it a place of refuge too, as I do with mine.
I really want to go out and get stuck in but I don't know where to start. It isn't a big garden but at the moment it feels too big with too much stuff. I think this might be one of my burnout signals - when I start over analysing that I've got too much stuff and belongings in my life. I've been doing an hour a day of simple gardening tasks but there's a bit of counting down and then "right I'm done". I cut some flowers yesterday for the house which was nice.
Well seeing as we are getting ever-closer to the excuse to use a bonsai analogy, which I’ve been waiting for a long time, I’m going to use one..:’D It is not an uncommon-occurrence when pruning and shaping a bonsai tree, to be concerned or even threatened by the prospect of making a decision, so it’s often good-practice to just start with the negative-space. You remove upward-growth and downward-growth on branches and you remove weak-growth, by the time you have finished you will often see what you need to do or you will have a path in mind, sometimes it’s better to cover the daily-tasks and the maintenance-task before you focus on the big-picture. So to fully commit to the bonsai-wisdom, lol, life is like a bonsai-tree, it’s about picking a shape and maintaining balance, so it’s about not growing too-big and not growing too-weak..:D
Many a good analogy can come from botany. I know when I do pruning of non bonsai species, I just have to go for it and hope for the best.
I do think some of it is about decision making but t's also about bring able to stick with something and see it through! I know when I have a tidy house it makes me feel better. I don't have any motivation at the moment and don't know where to put my attention.