I’m a burden

On my parents and my husband. I hate being autistic and depressed and unable to get through a whole day without being exhausted by the end of it from doing nothing. I feel guilty when I am not ok so can’t talk to my husband as he will go back to drinking in order to cope. I can’t talk to my mum because she has had enough of dealing with my problems and wants to live an happy uncomplicated life now in to retirement. My life is destined to be miserable with chronic depression and the only reason I am still here is because I don’t want to leave my children with no mum. I’m not sure what use I am here alive and miserable though either, that will also affect them. I try to avoid letting them see me sad so I cry in another room whilst they play and laugh together being kids. I wish I had the energy every day to play with them and be happy like I can in short stints. I know the loss of their mum at such a young age could be detrimental to them and I want them to be happy. This is no life. Some days are hard and todays one of those days, or weeks or months, or however long this depression lingers for this time