Published on 12, July, 2020
So I'm not sure I really belong in here. I'm a mum to a wonderful little girl, who struggles in the bug wide world.
For the past year, we had noticed she wasn't like her siblings or her peers. She struggles in all social settings, nursery has been a huge problem, as her anxiety has caused her to struggle. Struggling to communicate with teachers to even ask for basic things like the toilet, she has to have structure and routine because if it changes she reverts completely back into her shell and refuses to talk, or participate. She is obsessive over a particular friend. Without him, she again reverts back to her shell.
She's been under the care of extra help at nursery which has helped, but not enough that they hadn't got their concerns.
At home she is different. Loud, vibrant, songs and dances, but she is also anxious at the thought of her dad leaving for work, she pre empts it and breaks down. Her temper is like nothing I have ever known. Once she's down the rabbit hole, she can't come back out.
She refuses certain food and clothes. They have to be familiar and things she likes, even down to the point she would only wear trousers that were so tatty they had huge holes in them. She has to sit in certain places, and if someone sits there, she loses it and you can't reason with her.
Nursery have referred her to senco as she starts reception in the autumn, and has said we should look for a referral to have her assessed as they feel something isn't quite lining up.
I'm struggling to get one of my children to understand and he just winds her up to the point of hell breaking loose.
I honestly don't know what to think, or do or say, as we don't know yet,.but deep down, I think iv always known.
I want to encourage you if I can. Your daughter sounds a lot like me at four or five years old. Always getting into fights at school. Not just with the students with the teachers. Watching open University lectures and then demanding that my teachers teach me digital electronics instead of boring arithmetic. Constant battles with my parents over food, Fishfingers hidden on the counters and behind fridges so I didn’t have to eat them. Woolly jumpers taken off and thrown away as soon as I could get them off my skin. Labels fastidiously cut out of underwear and T-shirts.
Life was not a dead end for me. Many mistakes were made in my upbringing many things could’ve been done better but life did not simply decline or stall. By obsessive tendencies made me a scientist. I’ve got my PhD and I currently work at a university as a researcher.
I still have a lot of difficulties and problems don’t we all. but it wasn’t like I didn’t I get to have some good experiences in life and do some interesting things.
what do you say about her brother concerns me. parents have children and they think they’re making playmates but as one comedian said it in fact you are making their nemesis. I knew a girl once. Her parents were told they were completely infertile so they adopted a girl with severe special-needs. They thought well with just one child we can give all of our attention to her and she can have a really great upbringing. And almost immediately after the adoption they got pregnant and gave birth to my friend. And the truth is as much as my friend feels bad about it as a part of her that’s always resented her sister and her parents for showing her almost no attention growing up.
however as far as I’m aware my friend never took it out on her sister because her disability was very visible. Your daughters disability is not visible. There is a good chance your other children will resent the extra attention and take it out on their sibling. Remember Jacob‘s brothers threw him in a well and sold him into slavery and all his dad did was give him a special coat.
you are in an unenviable position. Your children will know if they get less attention because you’re spending more energy on your daughter with special needs. But you can’t not address those special needs. What do you really need is a third parent. An extremely close friend a member of extended family who can come in and lavish a lot of extra attention on your children. Of course there is no guarantee that there’s anyone nearby who could possibly do that.
now the positives. it’s really great she has a close friend who she can rely on to help her navigate social situations. she may not even realise how important that relationship is to her and it will be good for you to help her nurture it as much as possible. he may at some point start getting pushback from other people for hanging around with her. if it’s at all within your power it would be good to demonstrate to her friend that they are getting preferential treatment because they are hanging around with your daughter.
I know you understand these meltdowns your daughter is having they are not temper tantrums, it’s more like a panic attack with violence. And like many panic attacks it takes them quite awhile to cool down regardless of what you do. The best thing you can do is try to be understanding about what sets them off in the first place because even if you can’t avoid it just knowing that somebody understands why it is that you are completely overwhelmed by a situation does help.
perhaps it’s something you should discuss with her father. it sounds like she has a really good relationship with him. would be interesting to know what he thinks of it all.
https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/education-advice-line I am sorry you are having these troubles. It may be worth also trying the education rights helpline. I have used them for my children in the past. They may be able to help you challenge the sending issue.
Hello NAS88103,
Thank you for sharing this with the community. I'm sorry to hear that you have had a tough time with your daughter.
You may like to look at our information about autism spectrum disorders:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism
f you were interested in finding out if she is on the autism spectrum, you would need to have a formal diagnostic assessment. You may find it useful to have a look at the following link for further information about diagnosis and the benefits of getting one:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis
Furthermore, it is important the professional you see has experience of autism spectrum disorders. You can find details of diagnostic services on our Autism Services Directory in the Assessment and diagnosis section:
https://www.autism.org.uk/directory
All the best,
ChloeMod
NAS88103 said:I'm struggling to get one of my children to understand and he just winds her up to the point of hell breaking loose.
If you have tried reasoning with him, made him aware of the actions required and he still does this then it is time for teaching him about consequences.
I would tell him that if he does it again then there will be a consequence (or punishment if you prefer). You need to stand firm and enact the consequence while telling him why you are doing it - eg "I asked you not to do that, you still did it and now you are having (for example) your bike taken away for a week".
I know there are some people who do not believe in punishments but I believe a sensible one educates your child in actions and their consequences. Finding the right balance is going to depend on what is important to your son and his sensitivity though.
Only my opinion though.