Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote a discussion yesterday... I have been under mental health and have completed Anxiety Therapy and they want me to start a group therapy that making me feel sick..
I have did not state in the first discussion I started yesterday, I forgot to state..
I have Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder.
Emotional Unstable personality Disorder (BPD type).. I have never been sanctioned or put under mental health stay and watch.. never actually been a threat to anyone else.
I do have episodes that lead to me "hitting myself and repeat words that are said to me like "Stupid, stupid, stupid" this I am aware off because I done this since I was a kid.
Anger issues.. but that was due to fact that a bully in secondary school was none stop pressing a pen into my back and it got distracting and annoying and teacher was doing nothing about, so I hit him.
Learning difficulties - dyslexia and Dyspraxia..
My mental Health professional that discharged in March this year.. helped me get a ASD questionaire that I got a score of 32 on and send me the ASD disgnosis forms out to fill in last October.. however, I filled in my forms but my father who had his form to fill in has not filled it in and I tried to ask him since october to do it..
But I just asked father and my whole family, do they actually care about it, cause I never felt like they cared all my life and they jist gone extremely silence like I am no body to them... I am not autistic but trying to get diagnosed on the NHS because I really cannot afford to go private.. I am aware that i listed all my Mental and learning difficulties, but that who I am.. detail for me is everything.. I am just wondering as anyone else felt like this.. cause i feel like screaming and all choke up and not a clue how to regulate my emotions.
My mother wont do, and my brothers won't, my uncles and auntie wont. My whole family never cared. Like once i was 14 and it was a family wedding and i spend every moment of the wedding and reception outside and my own parents, family member told me to grow up and act my age, there nothing scary about a room full of people..
I said it not scary, it just too loud, too distracting and people are talking around me and i dont know whose talking to me. and it too stressful cause i dont know who to reply back too and i am scared ro reply to someone and then be screamed at for it.
mom's mom died and she said don't you have any emotions. Cause I didn't cry until I was alone because my dad would have made me regret crying in front of the family.. but I always cry or shake end of each night alone in my room because the day been too stressful and emotionally draining.
For the pattern part.. yes. It normally when I get a job interview, when am talking and someone said am too blunt or outspoken. I mean I do hide away everything like I was brought up, hearing Your a man. Act like on. Men dont cry. And that. But always told, oh your dumb or stupid, you don't know anything.
It like I learnt to hide my interest and my knowledge from everyone and afraid to speak out about it because I annoy everyone.. and it just words like "Stupid and when someone tell me am far too much". I mean certain sounds don't help like unexpected sounds make me jump out of my skin and feel extremely unsafe
StephenB said:I do have episodes that lead to me "hitting myself and repeat words that are said to me like "Stupid, stupid, stupid" this I am aware off because I done this since I was a kid.
This sounds very similar to how I feel and behave when I'm having a meltdown. Have you ever seen a pattern in the times that you feel this way? If not, maybe you could start making a note of when and where they happen to see if there are triggers. I know that for me, it happens if I have to hide my autistic traits for too long or if I experience sensory overload.
If your father won't fill out the form for your assessment, could you ask someone else who knew you when you were a child? It's okay if not, because they can often diagnose you without that input if you have a good memory of your childhood, and it sounds like you do.