Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote a discussion yesterday... I have been under mental health and have completed Anxiety Therapy and they want me to start a group therapy that making me feel sick..
I have did not state in the first discussion I started yesterday, I forgot to state..
I have Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder.
Emotional Unstable personality Disorder (BPD type).. I have never been sanctioned or put under mental health stay and watch.. never actually been a threat to anyone else.
I do have episodes that lead to me "hitting myself and repeat words that are said to me like "Stupid, stupid, stupid" this I am aware off because I done this since I was a kid.
Anger issues.. but that was due to fact that a bully in secondary school was none stop pressing a pen into my back and it got distracting and annoying and teacher was doing nothing about, so I hit him.
Learning difficulties - dyslexia and Dyspraxia..
My mental Health professional that discharged in March this year.. helped me get a ASD questionaire that I got a score of 32 on and send me the ASD disgnosis forms out to fill in last October.. however, I filled in my forms but my father who had his form to fill in has not filled it in and I tried to ask him since october to do it..
But I just asked father and my whole family, do they actually care about it, cause I never felt like they cared all my life and they jist gone extremely silence like I am no body to them... I am not autistic but trying to get diagnosed on the NHS because I really cannot afford to go private.. I am aware that i listed all my Mental and learning difficulties, but that who I am.. detail for me is everything.. I am just wondering as anyone else felt like this.. cause i feel like screaming and all choke up and not a clue how to regulate my emotions.
StephenB said:I do have episodes that lead to me "hitting myself and repeat words that are said to me like "Stupid, stupid, stupid" this I am aware off because I done this since I was a kid.
This sounds very similar to how I feel and behave when I'm having a meltdown. Have you ever seen a pattern in the times that you feel this way? If not, maybe you could start making a note of when and where they happen to see if there are triggers. I know that for me, it happens if I have to hide my autistic traits for too long or if I experience sensory overload.
If your father won't fill out the form for your assessment, could you ask someone else who knew you when you were a child? It's okay if not, because they can often diagnose you without that input if you have a good memory of your childhood, and it sounds like you do.
My mother wont do, and my brothers won't, my uncles and auntie wont. My whole family never cared. Like once i was 14 and it was a family wedding and i spend every moment of the wedding and reception outside and my own parents, family member told me to grow up and act my age, there nothing scary about a room full of people..
I said it not scary, it just too loud, too distracting and people are talking around me and i dont know whose talking to me. and it too stressful cause i dont know who to reply back too and i am scared ro reply to someone and then be screamed at for it.
mom's mom died and she said don't you have any emotions. Cause I didn't cry until I was alone because my dad would have made me regret crying in front of the family.. but I always cry or shake end of each night alone in my room because the day been too stressful and emotionally draining.
For the pattern part.. yes. It normally when I get a job interview, when am talking and someone said am too blunt or outspoken. I mean I do hide away everything like I was brought up, hearing Your a man. Act like on. Men dont cry. And that. But always told, oh your dumb or stupid, you don't know anything.
It like I learnt to hide my interest and my knowledge from everyone and afraid to speak out about it because I annoy everyone.. and it just words like "Stupid and when someone tell me am far too much". I mean certain sounds don't help like unexpected sounds make me jump out of my skin and feel extremely unsafe