Published on 12, July, 2020
I find life complicated. I also find it interesting and mysterious. I find it difficult and overwhelmingly annoying. I often lay awake at night thinking about purpose - what my purpose is. My purpose as a woman of this world. Is it to have kids? Get married? Work? Learn to drive? If so then all of that is gone, no chance anymore because I am wrecked mentally and physically exhausted from the trauma of the things I've been through.
So really my purpose is to exist but not really live. I feel like a computer that's on but not exactly doing anything. Every day I do the same things and nothing ever changes. I'm here but I'm not here, that's how it feels. I don't have anything to do with my siblings now but last I heard they were all married, working and had children. It kind of feels like I've been forgotten about and life is passing me by quickly. Everyone is living, growing and changing but I'm stuck on the outside looking in.
Strange though because I'm not depressed. I'm anxious as always but I am happy.
I often think back to when I was little and how I was so hopeful and full of dreams for my future and then this happened and looking back I can't really see how. Just one of those things I guess.
Every time I think of changing things and turning my life back round the exhaustion amplifies and I'm in bed for the next week or two.
Just my thoughts tonight. Thought I'd write them out and that has helped clear my head. Maybe now I can get some sleep.
Night all.
blank space said:I often think back to when I was little and how I was so hopeful and full of dreams for my future and then this happened and looking back I can't really see how
You can still find a way to revisit your dreams in the light of the experince of the life you have lived and make a very concious choice on whether you want to follow them.
I believe we are simple biological machines who are not part of any gods master plan of pawns of destiny etc - we are just a variant of ants in an anthill, doing what we think we should be doing for the majority of the time.
If you want your dreams, make the hard choices to go and win them. Is your partner dragging you down? Ditch them. Kids are harder to sort out but there may be scope to get your partner to take them on if your dreams mean enough to you.
Obviously some dreams are going to be difficult if they rely on you being fit enought to be a world class ballerina or beat Mr Bolt in the 100m sprint. So you need to temper the dreams with reality and decide what is actually possible.
If you want to be a bestselling writer, start writing - like today. You want to work for Doctors Without Borders - better get to medical school sometime soon.You want to climb Mt Everest - get training and saving for the fees.
You get the point - you are the only one holding you back so plan, get ruthless and get on with living those dreams, autism or not.
That's what you get for dropping a steaming existential crisis on us then signing off with "night all" LoL.
Iain said:You get the point - you are the only one holding you back so plan, get ruthless and get on with living those dreams, autism or not.
I think for me that's the hardest part because I'm aware of it but I'm just so exhausted that whenever I try to help myself get out of this I get nowhere and end up needing more sleep and rest.
I think I've probably hit burnout which is very unfortunate.