Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I am 33 and I have a suspect that I maybe on the spectrum because I find things annoying, i always remember others telling me to either "Grow uo" or "Stop overreacting" or some thing find that I take things to literally or out of context a lot.
First of all I would like to say, that I was labelled as a bad kid in secondary school, like I was quiet and silent as a child upto the age of 14, around year 9, even if I was bullied for being this in the bullies own words "Weird, Anti-social and quiet freak". Because breaks, lunch times, even walking to school and home from school, i would have ear phones in to a CD player and I would "even now at 33" nothing changed much, if am listening to music, i will bounce my finger on my hip to the beat of the music, bop my head to the music, or randomly burst out singing loud "unfortunately am not the best singer" but something I natural do.. but when year 9 came around and my bullied push me to the limit, I snapped cause I didn't like him doing the pen tap on my shoulder entire of math, distracting me during the lesson, and I did the unthinkable and hit him ( I never been an aggressive person, i tend to hide or seek shelter if I feel someone intention is bad, because I cannot tell what there body language is saying".
This carried on, I mean my home life was not that great and still is not, but I spent most of my time alone in my bedroom, reading books by Stephen Hawkins around Blackhole theories, or reading those A-Z medical books that you got from local shop or supermarkets each week and if I was not reading, I was watching Manga/Anime, CBBC cartoons and Tracy breaker, cause it was the only thing that kept my attention for more than 10 seconds. Unless it was movies that came on DVD from being out in the cinemas cause I didn't like going to the cinemas at all because it made me feel out of place and scared that someone would hurt me.
I mean even work and relationships always been a issue for me.. work because i don't like being given a task one minute and then told the next minute to do something else and return to the task i was previous doing, because when i returned to the previous task i couldn't restart it and have to do it from the start or stress out to the point I screamed "Looked boss am doing this task, that task can wait till i finish this one" which caused some situations where I was always in trouble and on the firing line for disrespect or refusing to a job task that I was asked to do. Relationships is a hard one to say, like romantically even if they are family or friend relationships too, i don't like people make false promise, saying one thing and doing the other thing. Like promising or saying to me "I will be here for you when you need me" and you find out in your time of struggles they perfer to do something else and it angers me that they said or promising me that and not showing me.
Or like romantic relationships, telling me that am worth this and taht to them and they choose scrolling through their phone or seeing friends more than being close with me. It make me feel worthless to them and then am the mean one for saying.. do not say that "I mean this much to you, because do you remember this day or that day where you chose your phone for 6 hours straight to talk to others instead of me. Or that time you asked me to come to meet your friend in a place that made me feel uncomfortable because they was too much hapoening too many disteacting sound happening. Or recently just last october/november my first time on a plane to the United states of america to visit my partner who I felt instantly connected to and meeting her for the first time and spending 3 weeks, promised me to spend time with me and her daughter as well as some days with her family, spend most of her time on the phone and it royally angered me and made me feel worthless. Even though her daughter who turned 5 while I was there wanted to play with her dolls and I found my happiness returning playing dolls with her because it felt like her kid saw I need a distraction and cheering up.
I am sorry for this long description, i have a habit of detailing everything I speak about, i know how annoyed people get with me on that, and am sorry if I made mistakes in spelling and grammar, I do have a diagnosis of learning difficulties thatnare dyslexic and dyspraxia. Thank you for reading this. I would if anyone could shred any light on this.
P.S. I had people randomly and even in my University days had people ask me "Stephen, just a question.. Are you Autistic" and i always replied No, I don't think so, because I don't know myself bevcause am not actually diagnosed with ASD and I do not believe on self diganosing myself. Just reaching out to see what other people would say that may understand where I am coming from. If you have any questions, do not hestitate to ask
Thank you. I will i tend to creative pieces about what I see and how i truly feel about the world around as a coping system and a lot of people tend to not like them cause am either to blunt or offensive in my words. When all I am trying to be is my true self.. like am not out to offend anyone.
Its just that people tell me to be who i am and speak how I do and be honest with myself but it feels like a crime. I will follow on with the disganosis thing to get answers but for me there is something not right and it never been right all my life.that how I am looking at this.
Like I always seen myself as nothing to everyone. Am a burden and all this and I try to be social, i tried night outs with a friend and end up ina chruchyard at 11pm at night crying and wanting to be in bed and bedroom safe. To being in large groups to go home and collasping in exhaustion cause I pushed myself too much. It just one of those things I tried to be me and advocate for myself to be who i am.. it just exhausting every day to do it. Like ot get to 5pm and am ready for sleep, unless am gaming, listenng to music, fishing or drowning out outside noise
Sounds like you could well be on the spectrum. But, being someone with a diagnosis, my advice is to continue as you are now by working on yourself. A diagnosis wil help answer some questions, but it opens up many more.
So continue trying to establish what you need in order to facilitate the person you are, you wants & needs, not the person you think you should be.
Then, most importantly, take steps to adjust your working & personal life to accept and accommodate this needs.
You need to become your own biggest advocate. Remember, as an adult, the damaged child you once were, needs you now. Support yourself through making the necessary adjustments to live a life specific to your needs.
Keep talking, and good luck with the journey
Yeah I mean my upbringing was bad, but only time I would go into an episode (I don't like saying meltdown) is when someone who phsyically (not actually body physically) anger towards me... but like shouting at me and that.. it would scare me to the point i would cry... and my dad is ex army and he always told me "Boy real men don't cry" which I took literally every single time and wipe away the tears and act like a man.
Same if i was forced to be in a roomof people all talking at one, i would run out because it was like who was talking to me and i responded to the wrong person, I felt guilty for inturperting someone else conversation but trying to explain that i could not keep up with who was talking to me. I was always told to clean my ears out.
Like am not blaming them for how they treated me, but knowing that they treated my brothers better than me and allowed my brothers to phsyically harm me and I would be punished for trying to stop them or fight back.. made me feel like I was family. Then told to stop being dramatic when I locked myself in my bedroom and turn it upside down and cried.
Like they would make remark about the afterbirth being me cause am the "Useless one in the family" and throwing away the real baby.. does hurt alot and I cannot explain how much it hurts to hear that.. because it make me feel like am worthless.
I do understand where your coming from but I know my dad has mental health issues from his army days, my mum has learning difficulties, so does my middle brother and my young brother he has some Mental health issues but it seems that my parents and they have said to me that they would do anything for my two brothers but am old enough to do things by myself.. even though my brothers are 1 year and 3 year younger than me.
I am hurting but really confused why my parents would treat me that way all my life. However, it not only my parents and brothers that treated me like that all my life, school did the same, friends as well and past lovers all treated me like it.. it like I don't know what people mean when they tell me it is okay to just be who i am and to be emotional because everything I am or be myself, it feels like it a crime to them, i done something strange out of nowhere that isn't me to them.
I don't know i just feel lost. Sorry for speaking too much.
Am going to keep them.. but get into GP and speak about him.. because the one that i got from mental health before they discharged me is a waiting list of 6 to 8 years apparently.
Maybe it my dad, I know he has PTSD and his style or raising me was more Army style discipline over my two brothers. My mother, it weird she more of the person who does something that get her into trouble and the blame is me.. it always has been. Like the only closest family member i was close to died when I was 5.. like she would always give me my teddy bear Max that I still have to cuddle and feel safe.
I mean my mum can't read and write, so can't my middle brother, my dad has PTSD and my younger brother is afraid of getting his mental health seen but yet when it came to me getting mine seen too because I felt like there was something wrong and I do feel like the disagnosis of E.U.P.D (BPD) and Anger Issues isn't the correct diagnosis for me, because the only time my anger shows is towards myself is when people have overloaded with a million things, or spoken about their day constantly and not allowed me to speak about my own, because if I spoke about my own "I have to think about others" not myself all the time.
Like I said on my "Feel like Screaming" discussion, I ask my dad, why is it always me that feels like I don't belong in this family and he just stay silent, and i ask him that because no matter if it my own family, friends or past relationships to current relationships, i feel like if I try and speak about my feelings, i have to always consider everyone else first and it makes me feel like nothing or make me feel like my dad and mum was right all life " they kept the afterbirth and threw away the baby".
It always make me feel like they mean it and i take it literally, to where i go to my room ans barriage myself in it and always get screamed at cause I have ear phones in and music on.
At the moment am crying my eyes out and I do not know why, it just feel like am searching for something that I feel is true in me but I don't know if I want to find out the answer to it because I knows the way am treated may never change, it make me look more needier or something. If that makes sense and am sorry for putting or saying too much
StephenB said:I do have the forms but am waiting for my father to complete thw parenr one and he just refusing all the time to compete it.
You don't need him to complete it. People whose parents are gone can still do the process so just submit it as it is, minus his part.
StephenB said:My mother and fathers are trying to say I don't need it.
This may because they don't want to have to acknowledge tat they missed the symptoms and brought you up in a way that made you suffer - it would reflect badly on them.
Or it may be that one or both are autistic (there is about an 80% chance it is inherited though your genes) and they don't want to have to consider it or lack empathy (a common autistic trait).
I have been diagnosed with Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder. Emotional unstable Personal Disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder Type).
Anger issues
And learning difficuties (Dyslexia and dyspraxia)..
However, it was my mental health professional that asked me if I would like a ASD diagnosis and got me to do that ASD questionairre and then forms that needed.. My dad need to compete his one to send off. However, i try and see my doctor or mental health again and see if they another way to do without my family cause all they do is deny and they have always done that as a kid.. they say am normal but tell me i was this bad and mis-understood kid.. because I didnt like big groups etc. So I don't know how to go about it anymore.. i feel like my family does not care.. and my relationships always end because i shut down and never open up about my struggles.. i will take that test but i am just looking for some guidance in getting this sorted without involving my family to complete like a form cause they just throw it back in my face.
I do have the forms but am waiting for my father to complete thw parenr one and he just refusing all the time to compete it. I mean I have the eldest of 3 sons to him and my mothers. All my life, thing that was not medical emerange with me, like school trips or report card signing and or things that I had was last thing with me. However with my other two brothers even now it them two first and me last as always.
So I am trying to get assessed but my brothers. My mother and fathers are trying to say I don't need it. And I am sick and tired of their treatment of me, because if i get a job interview they put me down and call me stupid and that, even (Job centre and old work coach was like that too).. so I feel like trying to get accessed with my family is pointless because he had this form now for 12 weeks and he not compete it and I asked him every day for the past 12 weeks to be compete and I don't not what to do.. cause i feel like if I beg him to do it am a burden, if i ask mental health or my doctors I will be a burden. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I agree with Iain. If only I’d known about Autism or Asperger’s 20 years ago when I was your age, perhaps I would have done something about it. My advice is to get assessed.
There is a fairly straightforward way to see if you are probably autistic - take an online test.
https://www.thevividmind.org/blog/test/autism-test-online/
It is free and you don't need to give personal details.
If the scores are indicative of autism then getting an assessment would be the logical next step so you have the piece of paper to confirm it and give you disabled status (which you don't need to tell anyone about) which gives you some useful legal protections.
Your behaviours are consistent with autistic traits but a more detailed test would be needed to be sure as there are other conditions that share some of these traits (ADHD, bipolar etc).
That would be my advice.