Published on 12, July, 2020
I am going to do the best I can to explain this scenario. My husband and I have not been doing great. There are a lot of changes that he needs to make so I am aware this isn't all on me but here is the scenario I can't work out. I will give an example from the talk we just had.
Him "Yesterday it bothered me that the conversation started with you angry. We need to calm down to talk well."
Me, "You brought my attention to it and I calmed. What action or word could I do that signals to you I have calmed myself?" (I calm from anger rapidly)
Him, "You always defend yourself and fight when I ask for something."
Me, "I'm not fighting. I'm explaining that I thought I met your need and asking for a signal to show you it happened? What do you need me to do?"
Him, "I already told you "
This is paraphrased but at the end there I am completely confused on what to do in the future because I have already done what I thought met a need. He starts saying our conversations are too difficult. This does not seem difficult to me. If you can't articulate right now then think and come back to me with the cue you need.
I even asked him to look at it through the new autism stuff I'm learning and he said that he doesn't think I can.
So, does this seen like me missing a social cue or not getting the generalized way he's talking or this him not wanting to own up to his own emotions and trying to make me figure out how to regulate him?
it seems like there might be some miscommunication and frustration on both sides. You're trying to find out what you can do to signal that you've calmed down and met his needs, but he's expressing that you defend yourself and fight when he asks for something. This difference in perception could be causing confusion and difficulty in resolving the issue.
It's possible that you may not fully grasp his expectations, or he might be having difficulty expressing them clearly. Additionally, there could be emotional factors at play that are hindering effective communication between you two.
When you mention the new autism-related insights you're learning, it seems like you're trying to bring in alternative perspectives to help him understand your challenges better. However, his response indicates that he might not be open to considering this at the moment [link removed]
In such situations, it's crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner. If possible, try to approach the topic when both of you are calm and relaxed, and express your feelings and concerns. Encourage him to do the same and listen actively to each other's perspectives. Seeking couples counseling or therapy might also be beneficial in navigating through these challenges together.
Remember, relationships take effort from both parties, and resolving communication issues requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to work together.
Thank you ever one! I had a busy two days and just wasn't on here. I will learn what double empathy is and also watch the video. All the comments were helpful.