I Want Advice But Explaining May Be Tough

Thank you ever one! I had a busy two days and just wasn't on here. I will learn what double empathy is and also watch the video. All the comments were helpful.

it seems like there might be some miscommunication and frustration on both sides. You're trying to find out what you can do to signal that you've calmed down and met his needs, but he's expressing that you defend yourself and fight when he asks for something. This difference in perception could be causing confusion and difficulty in resolving the issue.

It's possible that you may not fully grasp his expectations, or he might be having difficulty expressing them clearly. Additionally, there could be emotional factors at play that are hindering effective communication between you two.

When you mention the new autism-related insights you're learning, it seems like you're trying to bring in alternative perspectives to help him understand your challenges better. However, his response indicates that he might not be open to considering this at the moment [link removed]

In such situations, it's crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner. If possible, try to approach the topic when both of you are calm and relaxed, and express your feelings and concerns. Encourage him to do the same and listen actively to each other's perspectives. Seeking couples counseling or therapy might also be beneficial in navigating through these challenges together.

Remember, relationships take effort from both parties, and resolving communication issues requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to work together.

It might be useful for both of you to watch this on things for the partner of an autistic person to avoid doing : www.youtube.com/watch

I confess to not really understand the situation, but for myself, once I got to grips with the double empathy problem,  it's enabled me to assert myself a bit more but also appreciate others communicate differently and to meet somewhere in the middle. My life with my partner is much calmer now. So I'm saying look into it if you haven't already.

Chlotte said:

So, does this seen like me missing a social cue or not getting the generalized way he's talking or this him not wanting to own up to his own emotions and trying to make me figure out how to regulate him?

I think it is more like Chloe said overthinking. We all tend to overthink and hyper focus on things and it plays on our mind repeatedly causing doubts and anxiety. Try to calm down and relax, you will feel better then.

Chlotte said:

I don't understand why I needed a diagnosis for people to be considerate of my "quarks."

The diagnosis is primarily for you to be sure that the condition you are trying to understand is actually autism and not ADHD or bipolar, and also for you to have a piece of paper that has some legal use when you are getting a job etc.

If people will not accept you for what/who you are then they are not really people you want to be associating with if given a choice.

I think you would benefit from doing some assertiveness training with a therapist to help you become more confident and effective to believe in yourself and advocate for yourself. It is not being aggressive but a much more neutral way of standing your ground.

Good luck with the reading options for your partner, I hope they surprise you in the end,

He won't say he's not interested out loud but we'll see if he reads anything. 

I will try to set the check in thing with him. I am starting to realize how many little issues may have been caused simply because of the way I think and how NT talk. That will make me figure out how to better communicate and some of that will have to be the other person joining me. 

I said this in another post but I'll say it here. I don't understand why I needed a diagnosis for people to be considerate of my "quarks." Other people do things that seem odd to be and I just let them do it. I also spend a great deal of energy trying to understand others individually. 

I have one good friend and I often miss his sarcasm but he just explains it to me and he's never made me feel odd. We have different value systems (things I consider options, not things I would consider fundamentally wrong) so that's why he's just my friend but everyone should be able to do that. 

For future conversations and requests there is a technique my therapist taught me that you may want to try.

Basically when one party asks or says something that needs a respose or reply from you, the other party will respond with what they believe the request to be - a simple checking that the person being asked understood the question.

Both sides need to be completely factual about it, even if it is a "can you warm my feet up" type request may turn in to a "do you want me to get you some socks or do you want me to let you put them on my legs to warm up" response. Make no assumptions and check until you both feel you are being heard.

This is only part of building better communication but it is a good place to start when things are tense.

I have to say, the fact he is not taking an interest in your autism is a red flag. It may be worth explaining to him that this is important to you as it is a key part of your identity and it would mean a lot to you presonally if he would join in the understanding of it and the impact it has had and will have on the relationship.

If you get a "I'm not interested" response then it really does point to him just not caring any more, so you may need to consider your next moves.

I can see that now from the reader's perspective. I had a really hard time writing the post so I figured there might be some extra details I would need to add. 

The way you say it then makes it sound like he thought he caught you in a bad mood rather than it was the topic that upset you. :s

Sounds like you overthinking to me. He said what it was, he wants you to both be calm when you talk

I am the one getting the autism diagnosis but maybe he should too. Also, I didn't actually start this one. He brought up something and it made me upset. 

It sounds like things between you have got tense. ... So an autistic person isn't nessiserally easily able to distinguish constructive criticism from 'fighting' or being assertive from being angry. The distinction is often communicated by subtext and non verbal cues. But past experience (I'm guessing) has taught him when you bring up certain topics its usually a fight so he's immediately on the defensive no matter how you approach it.

The second thing is strictly speaking he didn't ask you to calm down ... "Yesterday it bothered me that the conversation started with you angry." ... from his point of view once the conversation has started it's too late. He was asking you to not start conversations before you've calmed down. So when he said he already told you he actually had. He wasn't asking for a special signal or word or a time out or anything like that. Just in general don't start awkward conversations unless you are in a very calm frame of mind.

eh if he wants something just ask him what he wants.
if you think you gave it to him tell him you gave it to him and he already has it so you dont understand. if its something else he meant that he wanted he should be more clear, maybe get it himself.