Published on 12, July, 2020
I am going to do the best I can to explain this scenario. My husband and I have not been doing great. There are a lot of changes that he needs to make so I am aware this isn't all on me but here is the scenario I can't work out. I will give an example from the talk we just had.
Him "Yesterday it bothered me that the conversation started with you angry. We need to calm down to talk well."
Me, "You brought my attention to it and I calmed. What action or word could I do that signals to you I have calmed myself?" (I calm from anger rapidly)
Him, "You always defend yourself and fight when I ask for something."
Me, "I'm not fighting. I'm explaining that I thought I met your need and asking for a signal to show you it happened? What do you need me to do?"
Him, "I already told you "
This is paraphrased but at the end there I am completely confused on what to do in the future because I have already done what I thought met a need. He starts saying our conversations are too difficult. This does not seem difficult to me. If you can't articulate right now then think and come back to me with the cue you need.
I even asked him to look at it through the new autism stuff I'm learning and he said that he doesn't think I can.
So, does this seen like me missing a social cue or not getting the generalized way he's talking or this him not wanting to own up to his own emotions and trying to make me figure out how to regulate him?
For future conversations and requests there is a technique my therapist taught me that you may want to try.
Basically when one party asks or says something that needs a respose or reply from you, the other party will respond with what they believe the request to be - a simple checking that the person being asked understood the question.
Both sides need to be completely factual about it, even if it is a "can you warm my feet up" type request may turn in to a "do you want me to get you some socks or do you want me to let you put them on my legs to warm up" response. Make no assumptions and check until you both feel you are being heard.
This is only part of building better communication but it is a good place to start when things are tense.
I have to say, the fact he is not taking an interest in your autism is a red flag. It may be worth explaining to him that this is important to you as it is a key part of your identity and it would mean a lot to you presonally if he would join in the understanding of it and the impact it has had and will have on the relationship.
If you get a "I'm not interested" response then it really does point to him just not caring any more, so you may need to consider your next moves.
He won't say he's not interested out loud but we'll see if he reads anything.
I will try to set the check in thing with him. I am starting to realize how many little issues may have been caused simply because of the way I think and how NT talk. That will make me figure out how to better communicate and some of that will have to be the other person joining me.
I said this in another post but I'll say it here. I don't understand why I needed a diagnosis for people to be considerate of my "quarks." Other people do things that seem odd to be and I just let them do it. I also spend a great deal of energy trying to understand others individually.
I have one good friend and I often miss his sarcasm but he just explains it to me and he's never made me feel odd. We have different value systems (things I consider options, not things I would consider fundamentally wrong) so that's why he's just my friend but everyone should be able to do that.